4~ * ~
Life sucks. I lay here under my puke pink daybed and think, 'Life sucks.' You don't believe me?
You say, "Look at the sky outside your window. The sky is blue, the sun is out, there are a few fluffy white clouds chasing each other across the sky." You say, "It's beautiful, just look!" I don't want to. It doesn't matter. I don't care.
I don't care.
I don't care that my mother is an alcoholic. It doesn't matter that I come home to find her crashed on the couch in our darkened living room, muttering to an empty gin bottle and a flickering TV screen. It doesn't matter that I don't get my homework done because I have to go out and work, because she won't. it doesn't matter that we're living off my paycheck and the money that was supposed to send me to college. I gave up on college two years ago, when my mother stopped getting up in the morning.
I don't care that I finally had to quit the track team last week. It doesn't matter that it was one of the only things I had left. We're running out of my college money, and I needed to work more hours. It doesn't matter that I was the star runner, it doesn't matter that I've broken three school records. I don't care.
It doesn't matter that my boyfriend doesn't love me. I figured that one out a long time ago. I don't care that he was only in it for sex. I don't care that he only pretends to care. I don't care that he only talks to me out of courtesy. It doesn't matter. I don't care.
And I don't care that tonight will be my last night. I died yesterday, when my best friend turned away from me and told me she doesn't care either. It doesn't matter that she was the only person that I ever cared about. It doesn't matter that I thought she cared. It doesn't matter.
Nothing matters. No one will miss me. No one will cry. Non one will care.
No one will care when I don't come to school. No one will call the house to see if I'm ok. No one will stop by to see what's happened.
No one will care about the scars running across my wrists. No one will care about the mascara that ran onto my pillow along with my tears. No one will care about the plugged in hair dryer that will drop into the filled tub with me.
No one will care. I don't care.
I don't care.