Dear Muse (if you exist),
I've got questions. I know that I don't really have a muse and all (because I don't do stuff like other people who have them) but I want to know WHERE do I get one? Is that okay with you? My friend Jenny's got one. She talks about her muse all the time. I hope that you're free, unoccupied and looking for someone. Because I could use one for my assignments and essays. (I hope that your past host didn't get killed by a psychotic murderer or fall into a coma or something sad and tragic like that).

Everyone is talking about you, are you one of those mythological creatures like Big Foot, the Tooth Fairy or an honest politician? If you are, then I guess I've got to get on with my life and continue failing my papers (specially creative writing). But the strange thing is, I know people who don't believe in God but they do honestly believe in their beautiful lady muse who gives them great stories to write.

I want to write BEAUTIFUL stories. Okay, they don't have to be majorly interesting or anything, but at least let them be bearable, not the usual rambling nonsense that I write. I've got to leave because I've got tuition (I hate extra classes) I need them because I HAVE NO MUSE. Those other people who HAVE muses like Len and Jenny and Rita all do immensely well in their essay papers but don't go for coaching. Where is the JUSTICE?

I hope you really do exist. Please reply A.S.A.P, my email is lexy_bottledup . Remember, this is NOT a joke. Do I need to have a talent for you to work on? What qualifications do I have to possess to have a muse? Or does everyone have one? Mine is just sleeping, perhaps? Could you help me wake her up please? Oh, before I forget, are all muses female or are there male ones too? Alright, I'm leaving now, take care. Please reply.

Love, Alexis J. D.

Dearest Alexis,
Muses do exist. And I am glad that you have written to me. It has been ages since I have had someone look for one. Usually the ones with muses take theirs for granted and expect us to come up with the interesting ideas and they take all the credit for it. Yes, I would like to use your phrase 'Where is the JUSTICE?' Only a clever question to ask. You sound like a perfectly nice girl, Alexis. Or may I call you Lexy?

A muse may take on as many people as they like, but most of the time, they hold on to one person because a muse channels his or her (yes my dear, there are male muses as well) soul into the very being of another person and enables their charge to write. I call the people that owns the muses charges, because in reality, it is the muse that owns the person, not the people, do you understand me so far? It can be very taxing for a muse to drain their energy into two or heaven forbid, THREE people. And they may leave their charges as and when they please. Usually when their charge's head starts to swell and they grow lazy, that's when the muse starts to feel neglected.

But you must understand the true essence of writing. You do not write for the money, you do not write for the fame and you do not write to hurt another human being. The only reason a muse inspires his or her charge is because there is a lesson to be taught. And through the charge, the muse can help others. This is all we are here for, dear girl. To help. And you requested help, as the bible says (muses are not too popular in the bible) 'Knock on the door and it shall be open unto you', so I am opening the door.
I will be leaving my charge. Not because he did anything to infuriate me. But because he has lost sight of the love that he once had for writing. He does not desire to help anyone anymore. I have tried my best to help him but he just does not want to listen. Perhaps you could help him on the right track with your writing. There are no qualifications, it is a very random act indeed to take on a charge. But you must open your heart to us, child. And you must listen when you write. Most of all, the need to help others and the need to BE helped by others must be ever- present.
From this day forth, I take you, Alexis Joanne Devaraj to be my charge. But you must accept the conditions. Do we have a deal, Alexis? I certainly hope so. You will suddenly notice drastic changes in the way you write very soon. Your views on most issues will change as well. I bid you farewell.

Yours faithfully, Your muse.

P.S: to reply my letter, I would prefer if you write it by hand and just leave it in the papaya tree outside your house. It would be better if I can see your handwriting. I work better that way. Thank you.

Dear Muse,
Notice that my writing is all slanted and sloppy? Why is that? Because my hand is shaking and I am so nervous. Are you really a muse? Or some psychotic murderer spamming my inbox with a mail from a muse. But then, how did you get my house address, then? I'm so full of questions. This is really freaky, okay? I mean, I get this email from a muse and I get the exact same letter in my house mail-box. Talk about freaky.

Freaky.

Mind you, muse, I don't usually write like this. I'm pretty skeptical and all because I don't even believe in God, I don't believe in Santa because my parents are the ones who buy me Christmas gifts and all my teeth were extracted by witch-doctors who probably sold my teeth at some black-mass expo in South Africa. Back to it, yes, I will, I promise and swear to be open to help at all times. This is soooo cool, okay? Have you begun to work already? Because my teacher had actually written a comment below my essay today.
We had to write a letter to a pen pal describing our end-of- term holidays. Usually mine would be filled with the usual boring stuff like 'collecting stamps, fishing with dad even though I didn't want to and going to the carnival' but this time, I wrote it in such a way that made collecting stamps and fishing sound interesting. I wrote about dad falling into the lake and that stupid dare that my cousin Chris put me up to when lights were out at the carnival. My goodness, I got the highest mark in CLASS.

Get this: I did better than Jenny and Rita. Isn't that weird? They always do well in creative writing class. Specially Rita. I can't stand her. Jen and her are always competing in that class. She's always bragging about some stupid technique that her muse gave her. You should've' seen her face when our marks were read out in front of class today.

I really learnt that nothing is boring once you break it down and look for the good stuff. Now you've got me looking forward to going fishing with dad again. You rock, you really do. Thanks a billion, I can never tell you how happy I am. You made my day, you really did. ( Do you have a name? I feel kinda stupid calling you 'Muse this, muse that' you know?

Love, Lexy.

Dearest Alexis,

It's a pleasure receiving letters from you. Yes, I will tell you my name. I'm Candy and I've been dead for a few years now and I made the choice of living my afterlife as a muse. I am glad to be some help to you. I died in a car crash when I was eighty-four, my son was speeding and then, the lights went out. But it's not so bad to die, I must tell you this, maybe you could use that line in one of your stories. Let's write a short story, shall we? Just for fun. Not the long-winding thesis that teachers make you write sometimes.

The one wish I have for you is to enjoy writing. I know that you find writing class a burden and it annoys you deeply, but you just have to start somewhere. It will never love you if you don't love it. It is the same thing with all your other subjects, you must love it in order to love you. I want you to write a short story. It can be about whatever you want, but based on a real-life experience, is that alright with you?

Yes, you can exaggerate, but there has to be a grain of truth in it. I want to see what you can do and how we can work on you. You have lovely handwriting, if you don't mind me saying. My father committed suicide when I was twelve, a gun in the mouth and I found his back teeth stuck in my bedroom wall. I could not forget about helping others ever since. I will have to leave now. You are welcome for the paper. But remember, no muse is better than the other. It lies inside you. How well do YOU wish to write? That is all you have to know. 'Do not worry about perfection. you will never reach it' Salvador Dali said that. But Salvador Dali was impotent. You must love perfection, crave perfection, want perfection and you will come very close to it.

Yours faithfully, Candy (Your muse)