Sam: Chinese
June 20, 2003
We grabbed some Chinese, we being me and Aryn. He ate sushi, like usual. I ate chicken. Aryn might as well be a vegetarian, since he pretty much doesn't eat meat besides that raw fish anyway.
But we talked about Johnny. "He's getting weirder," I said. Then Aryn shrugged and said, "He's laughing." "I know," I tell him, "that's what's weird." "I think something's going on," he finally admits, "and I don't like it. I'm worried about Johnny, Sammy. One minute he won't talk and the next minute he's laughing. Something up. And he keeps writing in the diary. He's always writing in the diary." "Well, wasn't that the point?" "I think it was a bad idea." "Why?" "No one's talking to each other anymore." "Sure they are." "You know what I mean, Sam." "I know." "Johnny's not the only one getting weird." "You are, too, Ryn." "How?" "You're getting paranoid." "I know." "Just eat your cat food and stop thinking."
I guess he's right though, and that's why I didn't want to hear it. Everybody's getting weird. Ghost's manic like a pancake. Ryn's gone all paranoid head-case. Donna's mondo bitchy like she thinks these a gorgon. Donni's twitchy and emotional as all get out. Lu's kind of avoiding everybody, too. As for me, well, I'm being observant. One of the things Aryn pointed out was that I haven't been as stupid and goofy as usual. I hadn't really notice, you know, but I guess he's right.
These are the things we talk about at the Chinese buffet. We've got a few problems. Too bad we can't work them out.
Johnny: Escaping
June 20, 2003
I walked the three miles to the nearest bookstore. Donni said he'd be here in an hour, so I decided to make the trip. He doesn't know I'm going to be here. Maybe I'll surprise him. All I cared about was getting out of the house.
Dad's fist hit my stomach so hard that my lunch almost came up. That would've just made it worse today, so I bit my tongue until it bled and swallowed it all back down. I can still taste the blood, and my tongue has that odd, iron burn feel to it. My ribs and back ache. He had an umbrella because of all the rain. That's why I wear black. Blood doesn't show through.
About half way here, I lost feeling in my legs. It got hard to walk after that. Maybe Donni can give me a ride home. Better yet, maybe I can stay at his house tonight. I could deal with Donna for tonight. No one says I have to talk with her. So long as I'm not fucking her brother, what should she care?
I just want out.
Mom'll flip when I get home, and she'll call in dad. I know the drill. It's pain. But I need a break from that, from everything. Laughing felt so good. Maybe I can laugh more before I have to go home. Granted, my ribs will hate me later, but I really think that would make me feel better.
Donni's here.
Donni: Sleeping With Ghosts
June 21, 2003
I woke up this morning with a Ghost in my bed. When I opened my eyes, I wasn't' thinking about the night before. It didn't really strike me that I was holding onto something, or someone.
"Hey Donni," he said. "You think I could crash at your place?"
Who am I to ask questions? It was one of those things I didn't think about. I just said "Sure" and the butterflies fluttered a little. Then he asked me what I was looking for.
So I wake up and go to roll over, but my arm's caught under something. When I open my eyes, there's the back of Johnny's head. My arms were al wrapped around him, and he was sort of curled up against me like I was all he had to protect him or something. Those stupid butterflies started up again.
What was I supposed to do? At 9 AM on a Saturday morning, what teenager's going to remember Friday night? Nothing happened, though. I remember that now. We were both still in our underwear anyway, and I remember being scared to get too close to him in bed. Turning off the light, I looked over at him. Now there's a clear picture.
He'd pulled his pants off and gotten under the blanket too fast for me to see anything. At first I thought maybe he was being shy or something, but it seemed more like a routine. Then I turned around to hit the lights and, when I turned back, all I could see was his head and hands. The way he curled up on the edge of the bed was like he didn't want to let me get near him, so I just stripped down and lay there on the other side with this human-sized gap between us. Neither of us managed to stay like that in our sleep, I guess.
I got out of bed before he woke up. Right now I'm making breakfast. Hopefully he'll be up in time to eat, or I could just make something for him later. Everyone else is at work, so there's no one to ask any questions but me. And what would I ask?
What are all those scars and bruises from, Johnny? Don't tell me it's more self-mutilation or any of that bullshit. How do you gut your own back like that?
Part of me really wants to ask.
But who am I to ask questions?
Aryn: Kiss and Tell
June 21, 2003
I drove for hours today with this girl I know from high school. We just hit the back roads and blared the new Placebo CD. She and I have never thought much of talking, so we were just silent, unless she was singing. As well as we get along, though, we're just friends. The dating thing lasted through one dinner, but that's okay.
I kissed her once. Then again, I've kissed a lot of people once. Mostly they've been boys. I did kiss Lu. Though, who hasn't kissed Lu? Donni and I were drunk and he wanted a first kiss. Heaven knows he was too embarrassed to ask Johnny. To tell the truth, I think Johnny would've done it, as alone as he felt that night. Not that he would refuse anyway. That how I kissed a Ghost.
Everyone wants Johnny. Even Sam and Donna want him. It's something about him. He's boy enough for the girls and girl enough for the boys. Hell, he's just Johnny. There's something about him.
So I asked him once, "Can I kiss you?" and he said, "Yes." He's a good kisser for the lack of enthusiasm. It's just that he doesn't' feel it. I don't think he understands why anyone would look at anyone else, let alone him, the way people do. Still, there's something in that sexual naïveté, especially since it's so hard to believe he could be so naïve. Not that he doesn't know what it is or what to do. He just doesn't understand.
As for Sam, well, he's my best friend. We were sixteen and we'd never been kissed, so we decided it wounded like a good idea at the time. Well, we ended up deciding that our best friend might be the best course for a lot more than just a first kiss that night. Sam figured out he was straight, but far from narrow, and I decided I was bi. He told me a while ago that Johnny's the only guy he could willingly have sex with, but he'd be first in line to do me if I had a sex change.
I was flattered.
Johnny: A Belonging
June 21, 2003
Aryn invited me out tonight for the summer solstice. I took the offer happily, called home, and promised to make an appearance at the house tomorrow, if not at mass. How do you explain watching solstice ritual at a friend's house to your Catholic parents? You don't.
The McKehney family is amazing. Aryn's house is home to him, his parents, his grandparents, and his aunt, all of which are Wiccan or something near it. It's a big house, so I don't see many of his relatives often, but they all seem pretty nice. I've been to a few rituals before, the only time they all make it a point to be together, and I generally just like to watch. This time, however, they wanted me to take part, so I spent hours in the kitchen fixing a huge meal with a bunch of witches. That was probably the most fun I've had in a family setting in my entire life. They laughed when I dropped the flour, and Aryn told me I finally looked like a ghost, but they helped me clean it all up and didn't kick me out or anything.
I love it here. Why can't I have a family like this? They actually care enough to listen to me, to anyone. It's like a real family, one where people actually belong. Even for a night, it's nice to just belong.