4You are so beautiful. You will always be to me. As I always said to you, 'Quit while you are ahead' that is what I plan to do. The next step I take into the abyss is the final one, the only way to get the image of you from my brain and out of my body. I remember the talks we had by the candlelight, how the orange magic would make your face glow like an angel with the fire against your black locks like a halo given by god himself. The last words you said to me were, 'I can't imagine living life without you'.
Well, you have. And you have succeeded without shedding a tear over my broken heart and body and I will give you credit for that. So long, the months have flown by, making each second apart hurt more than the last. Time did not heal any wound for me, dear girl. It just made the gash deeper. Each day, I mourn my loss but I know deep inside, it is me who had been so foolish.
Love made the both of us foolish, dear girl, I know that now but will you ever know that it was the both of us that killed that little fluttering blue bird called 'Love'? No, it was me. Yes, it was my roving eye and impatient restless foolish heart that drove the both of us into the pit of despair. Despite the trillion times I've referred to you as a bitch, I know now that I still do love you. And I miss you dearly, girl. I truly do.
Do I want you back? That is a question I could never answer. But now, as I leave this earth, taking the last step to finish myself in thought of missing you. All the songs drum up memories of the both of us together, waking up beside you with the sun shining on your sleeping face, touching your hair when the raindrops last rested and kissing your lips, becoming a part of you. You are the last thing inside my head, dear girl, and I know when my eyelids close over my all-seeing irises, your face will burn there before I blow myself to bits.
I choose this cannon beside the National Service Memorial park, where the both of us shared our thirty-fourth kiss in the rain under the sun. It was an odd weather, where the sun still shined while the heavens rained on us, wasn't it? Remember when the guard came in and almost walked in on us, I hurriedly pulled out my switchblade to carve our names on the cannon? Piece of history, wasn't it? I can still see it in the weak starlight now. 'L. Pk + M. Ev' 4eva.
Looks like our forever just lasted us for about a year. But that was one of the sweetest years of my life and I have you to thank. Your tender kisses in the bathroom when no one was looking, the way your fingers interlaced with mine when you were sad and how you smiled at me when you thought that we were alone. I will always remember the tears we shed while we were both pressed against each other.
Two hundred and eighty-seven poems, I wrote four you, Ninety-two songs, I composed for you and a billion and one tears I cried for you. Goddamnit, it hurts. It hurts more than hell, you know that? I know I won't end up in heaven, after all the sins I have plighted the earth with. You know it more than I do, dear girl. But by god, if I do end up in heaven, I'll make sure that you get in too, but I'll do my best to avoid you because you can't stand the scumbag that I am.
I hold the note in my cold dead fingers, girl. And I hope you read this. I have always loved you, watching you from the hallways, hope that you were not looking at me. You mean more than anything the world had ever tossed me and I wish that you know that. But if there is one thing I can tell you, not everyone in this world has had what we shared and I hope you know, that no two people on this earth could have been blissfully happier than the two of us were when we were together. So, with this, I bid you goodbye and I died because I didn't love you enough when I had the chance.
I love you, girl. I love you.
Yours, Mack. E.