I looked around me and saw everything being violently ripped from my grasp. My friends, my family, my pets, and even my sanity were being pulled from me. I didn't know how one decision, not even made by me, could have this much effect on my life. What's worse I didn't know how God could do this to me. I had prayed to him as a child. I had prayed in the morning and before bed. I wouldn't allow sleep until I had thanked him for the right to live another day. I had drifted away from him. Church was no longer the place to make friends. That was for goody-goodies. I hadn't realized that the one friend that I needed most, I was losing. Perhaps, that is why he had abandoned me. It didn't matter anymore. I was lost. I knew that. Everyone thought so too. My own mother, who had told me over and over again to forget and forgive, had abandoned me. I had no parents. My mother's girlfriend was more of a parent that her. She left. She moved to Canada after they legalized marriage. Was I conscious then? Yes. I remember waking up, my eyes puffy from a night's binge drinking, and seeing her kiss my mother one last time. My mother pulled away. Apparently, she had disagreed. It was tempting to do so too. I had already dropped out of school. Everyone seemed to talk and act in a realm different from mine. Like I was stuck in a different place but I could watch everything. I even wondered if I had died and was a ghost. That caused more questions than answers. I abandoned it as a drug induced thought. I never revisited after that jock hit me in the face. I walked home from school, invisible yet again. I didn't return except for my withdrawal forms. Even then I waited two hours for anyone to notice me. I went home and cried. I hadn't cried like that since my father left. I felt I should have cried when jynx died. I didn't. They thought I had nerve damage because they did surgery on my finger without anesthetics. I didn't even flinch. I didn't nod or anything when they said the finger was permanently gone. Like I was? I sat in my realm, devoid of feeling or maybe overloaded with them. What was I here for? My goals were shot. My only link to the last person who cared about me was gone. I seemed to be swirling around in nothing but increasing darkness. There was nothing for me to grab onto. There was nothing to pull me out. It seemed that I was doomed to the bottom. Doomed to darkness. It seemed if I was better off dead.