One-hundred and One ways to Murder my Ex. (Okay, I'll just put up a couple for now)

We'll do this scene by scene. Adds the 'ambience', don't you think?

The scenario: It is raining, thunder and lightning all around for added drama, really. Anyone standing outside would be mad and soaked to the bone. She would be lovely, dressed in her white lacy dress and drenched to her soft skin till I would be able to see her blue lacy underpants under it.

I would lunge behind her with a razor-sharp blade, clean and shiny in the rain and she'd turn around. No surprise there and I would not kill her yet. She'd definitely gasp when she sees that it's me and spots the knife immediately. It's not a secret that I want to kill her either. So, with a pre-dug grave for her, not at all shallow, but seven hours of digging a grave for her with a tiny teaspoon (pain for pleasure) and it is about twenty-billion feet, by my estimation.

I'd bury her alive, it's a classic. I would shovel all the soil on her head, filling up her nostrils and mouth with the brown, wet soil. She wouldn't be able to fight back because I had spiked her drink during dinner with her parents with codeine. Yes. Her parents would be lying glassy-eyed in the diner, I'd bet. But isn't codeine slow-reacting?

You'd be able to run a bit first, right? I'd lure her into the wilderness, pretend that I am some sick wild animal that she would want to mother (she would rather kiss a dying pigeon than me, right now) and then, I will ATTACK! Mynyah nyah nyah muah ha ha ha. With a little bit of luck and some good timing, she'd collapse in the rain and me, the big murderer would throw her into the little grave and I'd lie in it with her.

Slowly, the soil will sink into her nose, her mouth and finally, her hands would be too tired to writhe and her throat would be caked with mud and earth. That's when I take my knife and while there is breath in her body, I will stab it into her throat. Her soft, milky throat and methodically cut out her thyroid. After that, in honor of Jack the Ripper, I will open up her birth canal and saw out her womb too.

She would stand there, in the rain, maybe hitch-hiking or running away from home (she's done that about twice and three times, she hid out at my place) and would see my red sedan. But hey, it's raining and after all, it's my fantasy so she will get in the car. As soon as I strap her in place, I cuff her to the seats, once again the kinky things are in play but she still doesn't get the picture (hopefully she is stupider than I imagine) and then, I put the car on fifth gear after I step out of it (it is utterly impossible, but it is MY FANTASY) and she will crash into a tree.

First, she handcuffs will snap with the impact and she will be thrown into the windscreen. Her skull will shatter the glass and she will sail out of the car and into a tree. Impact is not done with her skull yet, perhaps she could still be alive and kicking, but only halfway when her skull cracks on the pavement and her blood drips on the sidewalk.

Another scene: She is in her house. The sun is shining and the air is fresh and the sky is blue. Everything is perfect, even her. Her parents are not home (wonder why?) and she puts on her make-up the same way she always does, starting with the foundation. She has perfect soft and luminous skin and she knows that she is perfect. With a smug look on her face, she reaches for one of them fancy Mack eye-shadow and smudges them on her eyes. I didn't like her wearing dark things on her eyes, it's like the weak moonlight eclipsing the sun.
Wearing a white robe (I just like her in white), she wears nothing under it. I peek through the window and her bare left breast is exposed. Tenderly, touching her cheeks, she stroked blusher and I leap through the window.

I'd throw petroleum at her. She will be drenched in some strange-smelling liquid and (I'd bet that she wouldn't guess that it's petrol) all that matters to her that it ruined her PERFECT MAKE-UP. That would really get her goin. No, she wouldn't guess my plan (hopefully) and start screaming at me in her usual annoying way.

"Oh my Gawd, I mean like, you just ruined it, like oooww, my GAWD! You are such a bitch you know that? I spent like a million YEARS making myself look absolutely PERFECT. And you just screwed my ENTIRE life up, okay? You just RUINED my WHOLE LIFE!" "There won't be anymore life, girl. Just me. And you don't need a million years to look perfect. You are perfection. But hey, not that you care."

With that, I would flick my Zippo lighter and she'd gasp. No, not that she was clever enough to guess my plan. But instead she would whine AGAIN.

"Oh my GAWD, I mean like, you're gonna smoke in like MY house? I mean like, what the HELL are you thinking? Do you wanna kill me or something? If you want to like, die of lung cancer and get all your teeth rotten, go do it away from, uhh, me!" "No, I'm not gonna smoke in your house, girl. Swear I won't. Scouts honor," I would say, holding my hands up high.

I'd torch her, watch the flames eat her hair, her perfect porcelain face and those sweet strawberry lips. Then, she'd sink to her blackened knees and watch me stare at her. I'd light a cigarette, since I was never a scout, so the oath didn't mean anything. I'd wink at her, I don't have much of a wink, actually. It's more like a blink with one eye. Which would look really stupid, you know that? After a long drag, seeing her scream the painful howls of the undead.

I would wait for her to go to the bathroom, she finishes her perfect make- up and she would dry her hair. She would comb out her long, black raven hair and stare into the mirror. Unconsciously she grabbed the lipstick and before heading to the bathroom. She would pause when she sees the bathtub filled to the brim with water. And then, I would appear at the door. Yes, she knows that I have murder and bloodshed on my mind, so I am as quick as lightning and push her into the tub. Anyone who has washed enough television will know what comes next. I just dunk the hairdryer into the tub and watch the sparks fly. Oh yes.

Next scene: I catch her in bed with another MAN. Place and time may vary.

While they are both sleeping, I quietly pour elephant-glue on his chest and on her bare breasts, catching a free thrill while I do it and when they both wake (let's pretend that there are no sheets on the bed), she climbs on him to (ugh. do the 'nasty') they both just cannot pry their bodies from one another. Their genitals are stuck together because of elephant-glue. The stud (not very bright either. in this fantasy, that is) reaches for his gun because he senses an 'extraordinary presence of the ex' and then, oh sigh for him but yay for me, the gun sticks to his hands as well.

I don't have to do anything because I will make a collect call to her parents (who, by the way are still in love with me because they catch me in hospitals doing volunteer work, but really, I hang at the hospitals because I get to slip morphine and free syringes).

"Excuse me? Mr. and Mrs. Megipa?" (My Ex-Girlfriend's-Parents) "Yes?" they would answer. "This is Aaofanex," (Angry-Asshole-of-An-Ex) "Why, darling, how are you?" her momma calls me darling. "I am well, but I hate to say that your daughter is not," I would say dramatically like in those movies. "Why, however so?" she would worry instantly because her daughter is an only child. "It would be low of me to be the tattle-tale," I pause momentarily, "But I would hate to see her in danger." "Tell me, child. Where is she? I promise that I won't tell her that I received information from you," her mother sounds even more harassed. "I worry about her, Mrs. Megipa, I do. She is in the motel at the ends of the earth. You'll find it easy," I say with pain in my voice, (in the fantasy I am an excellent actress) "Thank you, darling. Will you pray for her? (they think that I am all religious) I hope so," she pleaded. "I always do, ma'am," and I put down the phone, knowing that when her mother and father finds her, I wouldn't have to do any killing at all.

She would be dead the next day.

The both of them skinny-dipping in the sea, since her boyfriend is such a show-off-sonofabitch, he wanted to swim out far into the ocean and asked her to ride on his washboard abs (the bastard). I will be in a cove, not far away and with me, will be not one, not two but three hungry sharks. Their appetite would be whetted by small strips of bacon that I stole from the hospital cafeteria. When I see both of their bare bottoms, I open the cage and I whisper to my babies.

"Enjoy your meal."

I still have yet to do lethal injections, drowning, a piano falling from a high building, suicide bombers, plane hijackers, and pushing her from my condo.

Oh yeah, I've always wanted to back my car into her and drive over her, grinding her perfect face into the asphalt but she is so beautiful and I couldn't bear to ruin her face. Anymore suggestions on how to kill her, please send them to me.

You never know, I might just kill her one day. Wish me luck ;-)