Chapter 2

We went home and my mother cried some more. Out side it started to rain and I had to get away. I didn't want to be my mother creation, but I also didn't want to be a shadow anymore. I was sick and tired of living for everyone but myself because I couldn't really put a face to me.
I didn't have any friends, never really did. It was like from childhood and on I had this stamp across my head that only other children could see reading "weird". Maybe I was to them but everything I did seemed perfectly logical to me and would to them if they would have just given me the chance. Never had I had a boyfriend; not sure if I even wanted one. Most girls did, couldn't really understand why. Was I that off this planet to understand human emotions, emotions that I should have but for some reason stay isolated in my body like my brother's intelligence?
I walked along the street that I had lived on my entire life. The houses never changed, the people never changed. It was a settling and unnerving thing all at the same time. People enjoy the comfort of those things that are set for them and are familiar, but to think that some one could be born and die in the same house just didn't seem right. For a species that prided itself on all its technological advancements in transportation it sure seemed like a lot of people never took advantage of the possibilities.
Me well, I want adventure, I wanted to just get away to some place where I could be like everyone else and different enough to be know for myself. That's why I am moving Ireland, because I can be like everyone else, but still be know for who I am because I don't have the same accent.
How amusing, I could swear that I don't have an accent and yet if I travel some where else even in my own country there is a difference.
It seems even more amusing when you are walking and thinking and you don't realize how long you have been walking or how long it has taken you to think of what you were thinking about. All I knew is that when I stopped walking I was standing at the waters edge.
The ocean is a very daunting thing when it is taken into view so suddenly.
Did I have the courage of my aunt I was ever so carelessly named after?
I stepped into the ocean. It was June and even though it rained the water was a fair temperature. I could feel it soaking through my runners as went I further and further out. Slowly though waves started making their way back into shore. It could have been a sign that today was not my day, that the ocean would throw protest to my stupid wish, my want.
The mind is the tricksiest thing one will ever come by. Cunningly it convinces you before you have a chance to decide but pulls out at the last minute leaving you to feel the horror and regret of your own stupidity along with the humiliation of knowing you yourself knew better to begin with. We are our own worst enemies and fall victim to our own crushing hands more so then that of others.
I could not actually say why I had gone into the water or why I remained in it as long as I had. How stupid of me to have done this, and yet I wouldn't leave it. I wouldn't walk onto the shore, I couldn't have even if I wanted to because it meant I would have to go back. As long as I staid in the water no one would have a clue where I was.
I have run away before, I went to so many different places and I was always found because it was on land. But when your in water no one seems to look or see, that so easily one can hide among what so many are afraid of. I will not deny that I am afraid of the water as well because of how dark it is. It reminds me off my neighborhood, no one comes in and no goes out and in then end you will die in it. Comforting and yet upsetting all at the same time.
Maybe after my aunt had killed herself she became a fish, maybe she knew that something wasn't right to begin with and wanted to be reborn so that she wouldn't have to face being different like me.
Two names, one personality, and a lack of understanding towards myself.
Maybe if I just staid in the water I would disappear. Who doesn't want to disappear? That's why vacations were created but I don't just want a vacation or a trip or a holiday, I want something.
I laid on my back in the water telling myself that if my cloths made me sink then I would die on the sand bottom, and if not then I would let the tide push me in as much as it could.
I floated, though the tide did not move me and I remained where I was looking up raining clouds wondering if the world could fall on me.
"Hello," yelled a voice from the shore that I was quick to ignore. The person sounded a little frantic, but it was not a familiar voice and being like every other human being I ignored it.
There was a song that I had once heard that reminded me of the image I portrayed to people. I never knew the title of the song, I never knew the composer, and I barely knew the lyrics but when I heard the sing it would strike a note in me that hurt more then anything I knew because it was true. Ugliness hides within us all and it hurts to have it exposed.
It is so silent in the water, not a word is said, and not a word is heard. The rush of waves grew louder. Silence is deafening, but it wasn't silent. I could hear something, I didn't want to hear it, and I fall victim to the saying if I can't see it then it isn't real and so quickly I closed my eye's, but the sound did not stop. It was coming closer till I felt a prick go up my back as something brushed next to me.
I snapped, I stood strait up and broke my concentration on the void of emptiness to find myself looking at a boy who was out of breath and looking startled and glad.
"What are you doing?" I yelled at him. He had broken my trance my, my calmed sense of self loathing as I heard that song in my mind reminded me of how ugly I really was on the inside.
"You weren't moving and you didn't respond to my calling you," he yelled back. He had a small marginal right to yell. He was a person that wanted to save what ever he could out of the kindness of his heart, but he should have been like everyone else and left it alone.
"Fine I'm all right you can go back to what ever you were doing," I said and made my way to the shore. I took this as sign that today was not my day, and if I was really up for drowning I should go sit in my bath and see where that leads me.
My cloths weighed me down more then I would have liked as I made my way across the sand collecting a rather large portion.
Maybe I would make a sandcastle with it when I got home.
Though it is rather relaxing to have water squish between you toes in wet shoes. It reminded me of being a kid and splashing in puddles after school and then walking home with my big brother. When my days were simple because people still believed I could grow up to be another other then what I did.
"Where are you going?" asked the boy that would not leave me alone. Maybe he had a right to pester me about what I ha been doing, but at the moment I didn't care.
"I'm going home," I said with a regretful voice. People should be happy when they say they are going home, people should not be like me and think of their house as a lavish cage where no bird dare sing a song of hope. "Miss if you don't mind me asking but what is wrong with you?" He had caught up much quicker then I thought he would have, but then again I was never one for moving quickly or slowly but at a pace that allowed me to see life and get through it at the same time.
Should I have minded him asking, should I have told him the answer to the question?
I didn't for either. I turned to look at him almost pitying him for being so stupid as to want to save me.
B "I am standing on the outside," I said and turned to walk home.