Subterranean Soul

I moved my hand to push up my glasses, then grunted in irritation when my pointer finger slid all the way up the bridge of my nose. Why did I always forget I was wearing my contacts?

Suddenly I remembered something I'd once realized before on the subway.

"Can't cry with my contacts on." I'm like a different person with my glasses. Maybe that's why I wish I still had them on. No one can see my eyes when I wear glasses, they can't see all the way into my heart with that flimsy barrier of glass. I feel protected, hidden well enough to cry. I smirked masochistically at that. It seems love has made me a poet. I turned to my sleepy companion, my heart . . . who was no longer sleeping.

"Why hello, sleepyhead." I said softly. I'm so nervous around her. What if she doesn't like me back? What if she does?

Thought stopped when *she* smiled at me, and without my knowledge my own face smiled back. Wow. . . Why does she have to be so. . . pretty? Gorgeous? I don't think there is a word to describe her. Language hasn't evolved that far, in fact in probably never will. Now my smile was genuine. I watched silently as she lifted her head off my shoulder and stretched slowly with that vague smile intact.

Desperately I resisted the sudden urge to gulp. That is defiantly not a good idea.

"What where you talking about?" She asked me. I shrugged.

"Nothing important." I murmured. She nodded politely.

"Okay." And she turned away from me to stare into space. I smiled fondly as she tried to focus her eyes on what was outside the subway window. However, the minuscule lights never held her interest for long.

I rubbed my cheek softly. "For when you find the courage to say what you feel"

And I had found that courage, I hope. Well, not now, on the busy, impersonal subway. In te quiet of my house, when my brothers where asleep and my parents away. Then I might have the courage.

But what would I say? I don't know. The truth? No, I can't just tell her I love her. Perhaps . . . perhaps for the time being, until she loves me back, perhaps I shall say I have a crush on her. If she does too, maybe she can even learn to love me.

After all, it seems I've always led a charmed life. God, please let today be now different. I let another, more thoughtful smile tug as the corners of my mouth when I imagined us together.

Urgently I quashed that thought as best I could. I have no right to think such things! She could very well hate me forever, and then where would I be?

Dead.

I shuddered at the thought. When had this become a matter of life and death? When had I become that obsessed? I don't even remember.

How wrong could I be, though? There had been hints. . . little things that might mean she liked me. I felt happiness again overwhelm me.

Whatever she feels, I will find out tonight. I nodded to myself.

"Who is that?" She asked me. Immediately I switched from internal to external and looked in the direction she pointed.

I recognize that face.

It's him.

The man who put me up to this insane confession. Same dark hair, same bright eyes.

"An angel. Or a devil. I haven't found out which." I intoned softly, letting warmth touch my voice. It fit perfectly with my frame of mind.

He noticed my gaze and smiled. He blew a kiss. I shook my head. He shrugged. She watched us.

"Someone you know?" She asked. Hmmm, how to explain this?

"Forever since yesterday." I intoned again, my tone touched with playfulness this time. Perfectly true, since it felt like only yesterday I spoke with my adoptive brother. At the same time an eternity had passed since then. She glanced questioningly at me. I shrugged. This was getting to be a habit.

At the next stop, the man got off. I nodded to him in passing but remained silent. My brother's part had been played and I would miss him. He seemed to understand he would add no more verses to my life and took no offense from my silence.

I turned back to her aware of a cheerfulness that overwhelmed me. I let it take me where it would, and the rest of the subway ride passes by in the millennia of a second.

~**~

I gulped in air, but I still felt dizzy.

Now was the time. Before the night was over, before I lost my nerve, I had to tell her. Even if she hated me for it. It's her right.

I gasped again, sucking in air, but to no avail. My hands were shivering.

I thought of my angel, my devil. Tonight he would make or unmake me. I would find out, good or bad, so recovery could begin. This endless waiting will kill me.

These increasingly spastic thoughts calmed me (once again making me question my sanity) and at long last, my lungs gained purchase.

How I long to stop sounding like a trashy romance novel. I turned to her.

My eyes found the ground instead.

"I. . . before. . . well, anything . . I think I have to tell you this, but . . ." I glanced up, eyes slightly unfocused. How and when did I get dizzy again?

"I like you." I finished triumphantly. Not everything I had hoped to say, but enough for today. For now that would have to do. I felt arms encircle me, and suddenly I noticed I was being hugged. That can't be right. . . Did she pity me?

"I think I like you too." She whispered back. My face threatened to break out into a grin to end all grins, but something stopped me.

Why was she so sad? I hugged her back.

We can work this out together. Everything will be fine now, right?

I smiled shakily at me angel, my devil.

Funny, I still don't know which he is yet.

She smiled back at me.

~End~

Cecilia, you're breaking my heart,

You're shaking my confidence daily.

Oh Cecilia, I'm down on my knees,

I'm begging you please to come home.

Cecilia, you're breaking my heart,

You're shaking my confidence daily.

Oh Cecilia, I'm down on my knees,

I'm begging you please to come home.

Come on home.

Making love in the afternoon with Cecilia

Up in my bedroom,

I got up to wash my face

When I come back to bed,

someone's taking my place.

Cecilia, you're breaking my heart,

You're shaking my confidence daily.

Oh Cecilia, I'm down on my knees,

I'm begging you please to come home.

Jubilation,

She loves me again,

I fall on the floor and am laughing.

Jubilation,

She loves me again,

I've fallen before and am laughing.

A/n- (Shakes head) That one took far longer than I would have liked. Anyway, I hope you like it! Again with the yuri, I know. Hopefully I'll get my yaoi story out there, it's called Curious Walls. Tell me if you're interested!

C/n- Feeling morbid, are we today? While the overlying words told a story of fluffy things and a very devoted lover, underlying tones foreshadowed some very twitchy things. You made out your own main character to be an obsessive little snot with mental problems. She has some serious issues, not the least of which is letting you write about her. All the spiritual references hint and some religious themes. So, where's the third short story to your arc? I can't judge the first two parts of your story until I see how you end it.

On a side note, you combined several different layers of writting masterfully. That in itself is an accomplishment. It shows you really are maturing as a writer, although at a snail's pace. I really do look forward to reading your conclusion.