3"Hello, is Clark there?" she'll ask in a girly voice. Every time, it's always the same frilly, dumb tones.
"No, I'm sorry, this is Lucy, the cleaning lady. Can I take a message for you, miss Lane?"
"Just tell him that Lois called." Lois. What kind of a dumb name is that? She always acts indignant when it's me and not her beloved "Clark" that answers the phone.
Not only am I left to pick up after Superman when he leaves all the work to me, but I also am the one that needs to do what I can do save the day when the amazing Man of Steel isn't available. Example: last August, The amazing Superman was out having dinner with Lois. It was their two-year anniversary. They've been together for three years, and he still hasn't popped the question. Go figure. Anyway, they were out at Houlihan's, and I was stuck taking calls. Then, what to my wondering eyes should appear but a lizard walking down main street. And I'm not just talking a little old chameleon here. I'm talking a full blown, fire-breathing, three ton, fifty foot Godzilla style monster. So, I page the hero. What does he say? Take a wild guess. Go on! You'll never guess.
"But I don't have my costume with me," he whines.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE THE FREAKIN' COSTUME WITH YOU?" I shout at the the phone, "YOU'RE FREAKING SUPERMAN! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO KEEP THE STUPID COSTUME WITH YOU ALL THE TIME!"
"I just forgot, okay? I forgot to take it out of the case."
"Okay," I say, trying to think logically, "So just go and fight the lizard without your costume, all right?"
"But I'll blow my cover," he says. Honestly, have you ever heard a worse excuse? I mean, I've worked for some lazy superheroes before, but Superman takes the cake.
"Look here, dummy, I'm going to have the comissioner on the phone in about five minutes looking for some answers. He's going to want to know why a fifty foot lizard just ripped the top off of City Hall, and I'm not going to be able to answer him unless YOU do something. Not to mention you might not be celebrating a three-year anniversary next year if you don't do something right now. Come on. Get your tail in gear." But guess what? The idiot just won't budge.
"Lois will be angry with me," he whines.
"C'mon, now, sir! That is the lamest excuse I've ever heard. Besides, if you don't save the city, you'll probably be next. I think he's headed your way."
"Oh dear. That is serious," Superman mutters. Did I mention he's self- centered?
"Exactly. I'll take the suit over to you, alright?"
"But what will I tell Lois?"
"Tell her you just remembered this important interview you just scheduled with the Comissioner, and you've got to go NOW."
"She won't be happy," he says again.
"What's more important, sir? Your girlfriend's feelings or the fate of an entire city? Because if you don't know the answer, you're in this buisiness for the wrong reasons." There's this long pause, right? You can tell he's scratching his little neanderthal brain trying to figure out what he's supposed to do. Save your relationship or save Metropolis? Oh he's in a tight spot now. I didn't leave any time for him to think. I wasn't about be held responsible for the destruction of the city just because my dumb cluck of a boss forgot his uniform. So I tell him,
"I'm coming down right now with your costume. I don't give a bee's butt what Lois says. You're going to SAVE THIS CITY, DAMMIT!" so I unlocked the case (I have an extra key especially for situations like this), grabbed the suit, and drove down to Houlihan's, trying to avoid the potholes that the giant lizard had created.
Of course, the "incredible" man of steel was not outside by the time I got to Houlihan's. He was still inside, trying to explain to a very disappointed Lois that he needed to leave for a little bit. I tapped on the window, and motioned for him to come outside. Let Lois think what she wants, right? So, he finally comes outside, and I shove the costume at him and say
"There's a telephone pole on the corner," and leave. He's stuttering and babbling all over. "JUST DO IT!" I scream at him, and he does. Good lord, he's like a little kid, you know?
Anyway, he got changed, fought the monster, and lived to tell the tale, though he had a lot of explaining to do to Lois. Strangely enough, he never blew his cover. I'll tell you a little secret: Lois may have black hair, but she dyes it.
So, that's pretty much a normal day in the life of Superman's secretary. It's one of the most stressful jobs I've ever held. I taking ulcer medication for it, as a matter of fact. I'm thinking I might just quit and move on. I hear Captain America's got an opening.