It isn't that I don't try.

I do.

Just. Is it still not enough?

They say, it is not His fault on things that we don't ask to come crashing to us, it's the littleness of our faith.

Another one goes, "God hears us when we're working, but not when we're praying". I don't know how far that one goes, but I feel, to a certain extend. we have to give and contribute some of what we give to make that something we pray to happen.

At the moment, I feel so weak, and so fragile. No quote seemed to help; no one seemed to be there. Has anyone ever felt this way? Because very often, I feel so alone. as though all this pain is just for me to grief over. That the whole world is smiling when I'm crying. But I remembered something I read once. Just because we're in pain, doesn't mean that the whole world is grieving with us.

I don't even know what the point of me writing here. Everything feels so wrong at the moment. Is it just me, or is it just them? Or is it the world itself? With all its people that makes me feel the way I do now.

I used to think I was never alone. But now I do. I always hear them go, "walk by faith, not by sight" . "walk beside Him, not in front or at the back of Him as he may not be able to lead you the way".

. How can He lead me the way when I keep closing myself in? Wanting not to see the light, yet praying for one to come my way.

As you read this, tell me, is there something wrong with me? Do you think I'm plain weird? Because as the world moves, no one seemed to see through me. I feel fearless, yet I am not an invincible barrier. I feel weak, yet no one is putting me down. I feel so depressed, so alone, yet I'm not rotting in a lonely, dark place alone.

Do you understand what I'm trying to say? Have you ever felt this way? Because I need someone to help me. Heal this pain. Guide me through.

Have faith in me.

Let me be.

-nahjan; May 23, 2004