Images of friendly numbers with faces and hats, bounced in her unconscious mind and then they faded, releasing her back into the reality she tried so hard to get away from.
"You're awake." A voice stated noticing her eyes flicker.
Alex sat up to greeted by Mark Nerrab, sitting in the medical room with her.
"What do you want?" she demanded of him groggily, raising a hand to her aching head.
"I was told to bring you here and to wait till you woke up." He spat, not bothering to hide the disgust he had for the girl in front of him.
"I'm wake, so get lost." She said falling back in to a laying position.
"Pathetic" he muttered getting up.
"Fuck you" she replied lazily.
"You are wanted back in class. So get up and come on." Mark ordered, waiting for her at the door.
Alex picked herself off the white bed and stumbled over to the door. Following Mark back to Algebra, at least that's what she thought it might have been.
Alex stared at the board for the rest of the day, nothing really sinking in. Lunch came round and Alex walked out to the courtyard. She sat alone, as she always did. Everyday, she was alone, fighting the world on her own. The urge to just run away from it all consuming her day in, day out. It was all she could think about. School, family, it was all so irrelevant. Nothing could stop this nothingness eating at her heart. Her own personal hell.
The other students would stop and stare in their mass of clones, that's all they were clones. With no mind of their own, they couldn't survive on their own. Maybe Alex couldn't either, that's why she was in the predicament she was in now.
"That's her" someone whispered as the walked past, "that's the one that passed out in algebra."
Alex almost wanted to laugh, the girl whispering looked totally stunned by the information she was passing on.
Mark walked past her, giving her a disgusted look that seemed to say he pitied her at the same time.
"Mark," Alex called to boy who she rarely talked to, "Thanks for earlier" Alex said shrugging.
"Why are you saying thanks?"
"Well I would have said it earlier but I wasn't in the right state of mind."
"I had no choice in the Matter, it was that or detention"
Alex smirked, this was why she hated people; they were all trash. She turned away from him.
"Why do you do it?" he asked her turned back.
"The. whatever you do to get high."
I do it because I do it. Why? Do you care?" Instead of waiting for an answer she walked away, no one had ever asked her that before. No one had ever cared, in any way before, not even her parents.
She glanced behind her, Mark was watching her walk away shaking his head.
Alex suddenly didn't know what to think, no one had ever attempted to show the slightest bit of care before and now a stranger was showing interest in her life.
"Leave me alone" She mumbled to herself, while her heart screamed for help.
Alex sat in her room, a white joint burning between her fingers but un- smoked. Questioning thoughts running through her mind, thoughts that questioned if she would be missed. Missed if she left the world, not just run away, left forever.
She had watched her life unfold and fall apart on her before and now everything she knew was falling apart again, all because of a comment made by a boy she hardly knew. The escape routes she had used so often before were ceasing to work, and making her escapes so much harder, so much more unbearable. If she died it would be a permanent escape. She would never have to deal with anything again.
Alex crushed the joint between her fingers, the light end burned into her flesh. The small burn filled her nostril with a stank stench of burnt meat.
"Mark" she breathed his name. Did he really care? Alex wondered if she could let herself believe that there was some one out there who didn't want something from her for their care, but she had been alone for so long. It was a thought that she wasn't ready to accept.
She stood up and looked out the window on the far side of the room. The window faced the park, and she could see some kids playing on the half- pipe. There were from school, Mark was with them. Alex often wondered if the park was built there so the rest of the school could watch her as she screwed up her life. A thought that was quickly blown away because Alex knew no one cared what she did.
She watched for a while, Mark tried to grind but he messed it up and smacked to the ground. His friends laughed but helped him up. Alex watched wishing she was there, wish she wasn't always the one on the outside.
But she could never be in the 'in-group', she had pushed everyone away. Alex was now considered a loner, like wolverine without the cool edge. It had never bothered Alex before, but since Mark had asked her why, it had. She took a last look at the skater boy out her window and turned around with a low growl. "Bastered" she commented, then fell back onto her bed and pressing play on her stereo. Drowning Pool's 'Tearing Away' filled the room. "I don't need or want you help, Mark Nerrab."
Se closed her eyes fell into a deep sleep. Unaided dreams consumed her unconscious mind, revealing her subconscious thoughts to her and her alone.
Alex woke up to screaming. The little boy from next door, he always woke up crying or screaming. And every time he cried it made Alex shiver, it reminded her that she was on her own and no one would come if she cried.
She noted the time as 8:30, one thing the kid next door was good at was acting like an alarm. He always woke up at half eight. Just enough time to get to school, thought Alex wondered why she even bothered going.
Walking through the trees on rose street, she watched the light dance on the pavement through the leaves, like fairies. The sound of a skateboard rattled in her head.
"Hey" Alex looked up to see Mark flip his skate board up and catch it, "Can I walk with you for a while?"
"Free world." Alex replied and Mark took step with her.
"You know yesterday?"
"You mean the day that is usually before Today?" Alex asked sarcastically, earning a Scowl off Mark.
"About what we were talking about. I wanted to say.
Suddenly Alex didn't want to hear it. What if he was going to say he didn't care, she couldn't handle it, "I don't need your pity." She glared at him cutting him off, and then stepped up her pace. Leaving Mark to stare after her.
"I just wanted to say I do care." He muttered to the girl back but she didn't hear, she was too wrapped up in her misery to see he wanted to help.
Alex stifled a tear. Mark didn't care. Not that she cared that Mark didn't care. Mark was irrelevant, as was everything else in her screwed up world. "I don't care." she tried to convince herself aloud ignoring the feelings of loneliness bubbling up inside of her.
"Ugh" A prep princess made her opinion of Alex walking past clear, "Look at her. She's so high she talking to herself." Her friends laughed. The girls' high-pitched voice echoed over Alex and she remembered that was what she was to all of them, a duggie, a pothead, whatever. They didn't know her, they didn't try to help her. They took what they saw at face value. They pitied or hated her, no in betweens. One or the other, and Alex didn't want Mark to pity her or hate her.
Alex carried on walking out of the prep princess's view, if she wanted any crap at least she knew who to go to. She slammed her fist in to the wall.
"That had to hurt" Mark caught up with her, "what's up?"
"Nothing" she said a little more harshly than she had meant to.
"Then what did the wall do to you?"
Alex smiled, he didn't hate her, or pity her. Alex had almost forgotten how it felt to be treated like a normal person. "Why are you doing this?" She asked.
"Doing what?" Mark replied taking a step closer to her.
"Being nice to me. Won't it ruin your rep?"
He shrugged, "Community service?" Alex snapped up ready to let him have it, when she saw him give a small smile, "joke" he confirmed. "Come on we'll be late for class" he grabbed her fist and pulled her gentle behind him.
Mark touching her suddenly made her feel light headed as if in a dream, and she stepped forward not thinking where she was going. Her foot made contact with a stone and she fell forward. As she watched the ground rush up to her something grabbed her. Mark. Alex couldn't feel anything apart from his hands around her.
"You okay?" he asked, helping her in to a standing position.
Alex couldn't reply she was on a high, like one never before. His touch sent her head spinning.
"Alex?" Mark probed, the girl was just staring at him with her black and blue eyes.
"Yeah, fine." She muttered, his voice penetrating the zone her mind had wondered into.
"You've not taken anything today, have you?" he asked cautiously.
"No" Alex answered, she looked at the ground, for the first time she felt guilty for doing what she did.
Mark smiled when she answered, "good, Come on."
"I can't do this." She declared, "Mark, I'm sorry." He looked confused, at look that didn't suit him. "Sorry." She said again, then turned and ran into the direction they had just walked from.
"Do what?" Mark asked himself, not understanding what had scared her off.
Alex ran home, threw herself in her room and broke down crying. "I can't do this," she repeated, referring to her befriending Mark.
"I don't know how to be anything more than a nobody." She said and reached for a little box under the black bed, she pulled out an aid. An aid to her escape, even if it was only for a short time. She put it to her lips and faded in to her own world, away form the hell around her.
"Alex? Hello?" Mark poked his head cautiously round the door, of the blue room, "Are you in here?"
Alex sprang up, the effects of her escape earlier had faded, leaving her with a spiting headache. "What are you doing, here?"
"Your dad said I could come in," he answered looking round the room, noticing that there was barely anything in it. A bed, a closet and a CD player with a few Cd's scattered next to it that was it, nothing personal decorated the room to make it hers.
"He's not my father." Alex told him offhandedly, "Is there something you wanted?"
"You ran off, I wanted to know why." He shrugged, couldn't she see he was only trying to help.
"Curiosity killed the cat." Alex warned him, with a smirk.
"Good thing I'm not a cat. More of a bird person." He returned her smirk. "So why you'd run off, or are you going to avoid the question all day?"
"No reason." Alex turned away from him, she wasn't going to let her face show she was lying.
She heard Mark walk round her room, from the door to her. He now stood where she had left the black box open.
"You left for this?" he asked, his voice was filled with a disgust he couldn't hide.
"What if I did?" Alex retorted, filling with anger towards her self for making him so sickened at her.
"Why do you do it?" he asked again, the question that had caused Alex's world to flip.
"I did it to get away from people like you." Alex spun round to face him, her anger boiling to its limit begging for an escape route, "I do it to stop from hurting."
Mark was partially stunned, he stood gapping at the girl.
"Get out" she said in a calmer voice. Mark did as he was asked and left.
Alex looked at the black box, it was still open from her little trip. She pushed it closed and slid it under the bed again.
"This is what I am" she tried to convince herself, "I am nothing, and deserve nothing. Not your kindness, not care, nothing."
She swallowed, trying to hold back a tear. She couldn't cry, she hand cried since that day, and she wasn't going to start now.
After regaining control over her emotions, she dragged herself to the kitchen where the man that wasn't her father was.
She opened the fridge ad was greeted by the smell of sweet berry pie. She reached past the fresh pastry and grabbed a sandwich. Then walked back out of the room not listening to the man who wasn't her father's comments of 'waste of space'.
"Why am I like this?" Alex asked herself, looking out the window in hope to see Mark, but he wasn't there. He wasn't at the park with his skateboard messing up a grind. Alex wondered where he was, what he was doing, who he was thinking about. "Forget him." She told herself, walking out the door fresh air might be able to calm her thoughts, it was better than her normal escape.
She walked over to the park, staying in the far wooded area. She loved walking here, it was so secluded and there was hardly anyone ever there. She peered through the trees to the half pipe, still no Mark. Alex scolded herself for looking for him, then turned back into the darkness of the wooded area.
Enjoying the nothingness she stood in, so dark and quiet. It filled her with control over her life, Alex wish she didn't have to leave, this was the only place she felt she didn't need to escape from. This was her Paradise, it was the only place she felt alive.
"Alex! Baby, got some new stuff, you wanna try?" Josh Mellows saw her perched on a fallen log in the woods. He was the local 'supplier', he always managed to get his hands on some 'effective' chemicals, and Alex always got to have first pickings, after all she was his favourite customer.
Alex had always wondered why he became a dealer, for what he had told her about his life before it was pretty good. He was a straight A student, he was popular and his parents doted on him as he was their only child. His life was perfect, at least compared to some peoples.
"You know it." She said with a smile and took a lit joint off him, an image of Mark holding her flittered in her mind and she paused staring at what she held.
"What's wrong?" Josh asked, observing her pause.
"Nothing." Alex then realised that whenever she was asked what was wrong, she always answered 'nothing', was that why no one ever cared? Or was that a result of no one caring.
"I have to go" she told him and handed back the burning stick.
"What?" Josh exclaimed as Alex walked away, from her paradise in the woods. Glancing over to the half pipe, seeing Mark there on his own practising a flip or something, made her suddenly proud, she had walked away from her escape.
Without realising it she had stopped walking and stood watching Mark on his board. A helper she recognised from one of the help centres had started talking to him.
"Wonder why?" she thought aloud, thinking of the times she had shunted the guy when he was trying to help. She couldn't help it though, he pitied her. Pity was something Alex didn't need, no Matter how bad anything got.
"Alex!" Mark spotted her and called her over. He said something to the helper, who then walked off. Alex didn't move she didn't want to seem like she was waiting for him.
"What are you doing here?" he asked, his crimson eyes seemed to be searching for an answer in her.
"Walking." She kept her tone cold.
"Funny." He replied, "there's a party type thing later at the youth club. You want go?"
"You mean at the help clinic?" Alex asked, twigging on why he was helping her, she was his project.
Every person who went to the centre had to do a community service project, Alex had been approached before by some one who wanted to help her from there, she remembered his name was Matt. He had been straight with her and actually told her that it was a project, that was when she started to pull away from people all together. They pitied her and she couldn't bare it, so she delt with I the only way she knew how, she ran from it.
"Yeah" Mark answered, Alex noted him not looking at her as he answered. Mark didn't care about her, he cared about his stupid project. Everything she had come to believe about him was lie. He was working with the guy from the centre to achieve a goal. They didn't really care what happened to her, they just wanted something to boast about.
"Bastered." Alex spat the word at him, and turned away anger burning insider. Anger at herself for trusting him and anger at Mark for betraying her trust.
"Alex" Mark objected, grabbing her arm and turning her around.
"Don't touch me" she yanked her arm away form him, "Dot talk to me. Don't even think about me." Alex warned him, the image of him holding her that had been in her mind a short time ago was smashed and replaced by an image of Alex strangling him.
"What have I done?" Mark asked, not realising the extant of her anger.
"What have you done?" she mimicked him mockingly, "You have used me. You have lied to me. Isn't that enough?" her face had become flushed through shouting, "you know how that makes me feel? Totally violated. I trusted you and you betrayed me, just like everyone else." Alex paused for a second allowing herself to calm down, "You aren't any different to them"
Mark looked at her blankly, "I am sor."
"No. No you aren't, so don't say it. Don't ever come near me again." With that she turned and ran back to the wooded area, where Josh stood waiting for her to come back.
Alex sat in her room, the curtain drawn. She sat huddled in the corner with her little black box beside her, thinking. Thinking of how Mark had betrayed her, he was just like everyone else. It was all a lie, no truth to any of it. Alex felt her heart flutter as if it was pleading, that was a lie too. She couldn't love him if everything she knew about him was a lie. What she felt was just a lie so why tolerate something that will hurt her more.
"Everything is back to how it was." She thought aloud, sitting in her room contemplating escape, hating everyone outside of her room, and hating herself. Just like before Mark came into her life. Unable to secure a permanent escape through reasons she couldn't explain. Always alone in a hell that wouldn't let her out, that was Alex.
"I'm such a fool" she spoke to the window, hoping Mark would hear but knowing he wouldn't. Part of her hoping her would burst through the door and stop her form reaching in to her black box and attempting yet another escape, part of her wanted so badly for him to tear the white little stick from her lips and throw it away. But he didn't.
Colours danced in front of her, mutating into bubbly bright elephants and other creatures rare to see in this part of the world. She watched them laughing as they preformed tricks and changed into other shapes. Lyrics from the Drowning pool Cd she put on repeat played through her mind, "Look at all these people" it was the second time the song had played. As the words span through her mind the elephants collapsed, as did the shapes that pranced among them coming to life then reverting back to shapes. Voices played in her ears, whispering nothing but something. Forcing her to think about nothing and about everything. Especially about Mark, even in her escape she couldn't get away from him, had he penetrated her defences that much? Did she really trust him that much? Alex covered her ears and tried to focus on the unusual shapes dancing for her, trying to forget that he betrayed her, trying to forget him.
The music paused, and everything was quiet in her mind for a second, then the second track started, and the creatures floating in front of her began to dance again, though this time they danced then dropped. With a thump she watched each one fall, then everything went numb and she blacked out.
Alex opened her eyes, and they were assaulted by lights that were too bright and too white, she closed them again and tried to turn over on her side but found it hurt too much.
"You're awake." A darken face loomed at her, blocking out some of the light that burned her tender eyes.
"What do you want?" she demanded, a sense of déjà vu came over her.
"I found you unconscious. I called an ambulance, you had me worried." Alex thought she could hear him smirking, she couldn't really make out his facial features clearly, everything was still blurry.
"Fuck off" she tried to sit up but that hurt as well, "I don't want your help."
"You could have died." He argued.
"Duh." She responded sarcastically, "I am fine, I don't need you. I never will."
"Why wont you let me help you?" Mark pleaded, taking hold of her hand.
Alex tried to pull her hand away but it took much energy and she did have any spare. "I am not some project you can just pick up."
"I don't get what you mean," Mark said gripping her hand tighter.
"I saw you with that twerp from the clinic."
Mark paused, he didn't understand what that was supposed to mean. "What's Matt got to do with anything?"
Alex felt her heart flutter as it had been doing so often lately when Mark was around, "leave me alone." She pleaded at him, worried that she would spill out her heart to him any second.
"Tell me what I did wrong." He demanded stubbornly. Tears formed in Alex's eyes but she fought not to let them go.
"Leave me alone." She ordered again, not really talking to Mark anymore, just repeating what she said before, as she fought the darkness that threatened to take her again.
Mark got up and walked to the door, he mutter he'd be back soon, then disappeared out the door. Alex closed her eyes, accidentally letting one of her tears slip and dampening her pale check. And she passed out again.
By the time Alex woke up again, Mark had returned. She tried to close her eyes and pretend she was still asleep but he saw her awake.
"I have something for you" his voice was the coldest she had ever heard, it almost hurt her to hear it.
"Don't you have school or something?" she asked groggily. He didn't answer, instead he produced her black box and gave it to her.
"Thought you might want to finish the job I interrupted." Alex managed a small smile, was he joking? She looked at him, his face was straight and not a flicker of laughter burned in his crimson eyes. He wasn't joking.
Alex stared at the box, this was where she always went to find and escape and she almost had a found a eternal escape the last she delved into the box, if it weren't for Mark she'd be 'free'.
"I'm going to go before you kill your self," he told her. That was the first time Alex had ever though of it as killing herself, it was always an escape not death. But was death an escape? Alex wondered why she had never thought of it like that before.
"But there is something I want to give you before we both go." Mark's face had a pink tinge growing on it, so unlike him to act like that, he was a tough guy most of the time, friendly enough but still not the type to blush.
"What?" Alex asked not meeting his eyes, which felt like they were burning a stare in to her.
Alex pulled back, Mark was directly in front of her by less then a centimetre. He pushed his lips against her and kissed her, deeply. Alex froze for a second, no one had ever kissed her like this. The kiss was so deep, it seemed to reach through her body and grasp her soul. He pulled off her, breathing heavily. " I'm sorry for whatever I did." Mark whisper in her ear and ran off before Alex could regain her senses.
"Mark." she whispered too late, the room was empty. Feeling swirled round her head, feeling of hate, love, lust and dread. Why was he doing this to her? Alex though he had betrayed her, but he didn't understand what Matt had to do with it, nor did he mention the clinic. Maybe he is just a good actor? Alex's thoughts swirled round her mind, but nothing she though of could explain the kiss, expect for pity.
She was released the next day, around four o'clock. Instead of going home as ordered by the nurses she walked to the park, the half pipe was still empty, so she perched on a beach near by and waited.
A group of boys and girl came shortly after Alex, they messed around on their boards, the girl bared a resemblance to Avril Lavigne. Alex become uncomfortable sitting there on her own, waiting for some one who probably wasn't even coming, feelings of uncertainty possessed her stomach.
"It's starting in a minute, come on!" the Avril look-a-like hollered at the boys she was skating with, and they took off. Their actions remind Alex of Mark's invitation to the youth club. Part of her wondered if the offer still stood, if he would even want her there. Part of her screamed not to go, it was something to do with the clinic and therefore was not a place for her to be seen. During the internal war between her thoughts she found herself walking home and changing into a clean outfit, then walking to youth centre.
She stood outside still debating weather or not to go in, after a minute she decided that if she went in and got ambushed by helpers or whatever she could blow up at Mark and if she didn't then she didn't.
She pushed the heavy swing door open, her hand was shaking slightly, walking in to the darken room that vibrated with heavy music and flashing lights. Alex made her way across the room towards the little temporary bar that had been set up, minus the alcoholic drinks. There were people she recognised from school, she avoided their random stares of curiosity and continued looking for Mark.
"Dude, if you're worried 'bout her then go check on her." Alex heard some one leaning on the wall round the corner say, she didn't mean to ease drop but for one reason or another she felt compelled to.
"I told her to basically kill herself, I don't think she'd want to see me." Alex recognised the voice as Mark's and before she could stop herself she stepped in to the conversation with, "I think you're wrong".
Mark jumped back, "Alex. What are you doing here?"
"I'm not sure." She answered, looking away from his crimson eyes, the unease that possessed her stomach early had returned with a vengeance, and now attacked her whole body.
"I'm going to get a coke." The boy he was with said and slinked off, probably put off by the silence growing between Mark and Alex.
"I thought you were going to finish 'the job'?" Mark said shattering the atmosphere that only he and her could feel. As soon as the words left his mouth sounding bitterer than he had meant them to, he regretted it.
Alex didn't reply, she looked to the ground as if maybe she could find out why she was here from there. Some one dancing had moved to far from the dance floor and bumped in to Alex lightly, she jumped and moved quickly away like a field mouse that'd just been found by a cat.
"If you don't like people, why are you here?" Mark asked noticing how she reacted whenever someone got near to her.
"I don't know." Her checks burned as she answered quietly, wishing she had never come here and that she had escaped when he gave her the chance.
"What are you doing here then?" Mark asked again, he didn't get where his anger was coming from. Seconds before he had been freaking out about her and now he knew she was okay he was being nasty but he couldn't stop himself, nor could he bare to say sorry.
"I .." Alex couldn't answer, she didn't know why she was here. Her hair slipped from behind her ear and into her face covering her eyes, covering the tears that she was fighting to conceal and winning.
"Well?" he pressed, unable to stop himself.
"I wanted to see you, I think." She breathed the reply not wanting him to hear it but wanting him to hear it at the same time. People wear still dancing around them, Alex watched them feeling more alone than she had ever felt before. Even with Mark there, she felt alone.
"Why do you want to see me?" His voice was more hostile than he meant it to be, as it had been since he began talking to her that night.
Alex looked him straight in the eyes, the same question was in her mind. She shook her head and turned from him. She always turned from him, it was always here that walked away, why. Was there something she was running from? Alex let a smile seize her face, she was always running, escaping from a pain that haunted her.
"Alex." Mark called behind her, he always did that. "I didn't mean for you to go."
She turned to look back at him, giving an unreadable expression. Then shook her head, " I think I get it." She told him, not revealing that she realised that she cared for him deeply. "This isn't right, none of it." Alex almost tried to explain that she wasn't right for him, he need someone who wouldn't throw everything back in his face. He deserved someone better than Alex. She looked at him, he was angel, Alex cursed herself for never noticing it before. He was really an angel trying to help, not trying to use her at all.
Alex smiled at him, "It's not right."
She didn't care that she sounded as she was verging on insanity all she cared was that he didn't come after her.
"Where are you going?" he asked pleading to her back as he so often did when she walked away from him. "What's not right?" For the first time that night Mark didn't sound hostile, he sounded confused.
Alex felt her heart twitch, she need to do this. She could ruin her life but she would refuse to hurt Mark. He didn't deserve it, where as her deserving was questionable.
"Alex, look at me." Mark grabbed her arm and spun her round to face him, "What isn't right?"
Alex looked at the grip he held her in and he let go. "Being here." She still didn't meet his expectant gaze. "I have to go."
Mark sent messages that got so mixed up, first he wanted her there then he didn't and he did. Shame Alex couldn't stand to be here anymore. "I cant care any more, I cant." Alex muttered to herself as she pulled herself away from Mark's pleading gaze, a small smile still hovered on her pale pink lips
Alex smiled, people only called her that when they was serious. She turned to face him again. His eyes met hers and fire burned in them, like she had never seen them before. "Don't. I can't care for you." She heard Mark gulp and watched his adams apple gently bob up then down.
"So you 'like' me?" he emphasised the word like.
Alex wondered if she could lie to him, would he see through her, would care? Did she want him to know she cared for him more deeply than anyone before? She had to question if she even did care for him or was it just yearning, a yearning to be able to feel another person's want. No, she could lie to him. Well, maybe she could but she didn't want to. .
"Maybe." A twinkle appeared in his eyes over the fiery stare in his eyes, "But I cant." The second part of her answer wiped all the fire from his eyes, leaving them dull.
He frowned, it didn't suit him, he could smirk, smile and pull a stern face but frowns didn't suit him.
"I don't get it." He took a step towards her, "You like me, I like you. What the problem?"
Alex cocked her head to the side, "I'm the problem".
It was evident that he still didn't understand what she was trying to say, she didn't understand so why did she expect him to. Alex turned away from him once more, maybe she would actually be able to make it out this time. Alex could almost hear Mark standing there in his confusion hoping she wouldn't walk away.
Alex cocked her head over her shoulder, a last look at what could have been. "Bye" she whispered knowing her couldn't hear.
She walked across to the park, it was empty. Empty and quiet, just the way she like it. She wondered over to the Half pipe, it was decorated with black smear marks. She ran her finger over the marks, they were scars. Alex wondered where her scars were, she'd probably been hurt more than a half pipe but she had no scars to prove it. Maybe all the pain she had suffered was just in her head, maybe she created all the suffering the made her want to escape. If that was true then she was the problem and should die. That still didn't sound right, it wasn't dieing, it was escaping, it was freeing the world of her, it was right. Wasn't it?
Alex slammed her fist on to the half pipe, everything was easy before Mark, this was Mark's doing. One comment from him flipped her world, why? What influence did that boy have over her? None, so did she flip her world form him.
"I hate you Mark. I hate you with all my heart" She said, not meaning a world of it. Also not seeing the boy standing a few feet behind her, listening to her out break of forced hatred.
Tears stained her face, but the smile she wore still played on her lips. "Why. Why do I feel this way?" she plead turning her gaze to the sliver moon that hung behind a cloudy sky, part of her brain registered it was going to rain and that she go inside. Another part of her brain coxed her to stay out side and try catching ammonia then maybe she could die and Mark wouldn't blame her for it.
"Why!" Alex said again and kicked the base of the skating apparatus in front of her.
"Its getting cold, we should go in." the boy behind her spoke making her jump.
"You." Alex stated, the boy who was talking to Mark when she arrived stood with his hands in his black combat pockets and his golden eyes fixed on Alex.
"The names Matt." He said, then walked and stood beside Alex, "We're going to get wet." As he spoke little droplets began their attack on two teenagers and anyone else who was outside.
Alex watched Matt shake his head, in an attempt to rid himself of the water droplets that were fast collecting in his hair, it reminded her of the black cat down the road when it accidentally got sprayed with water.
"I don't want to." she told him, letting the cold water run down her back and give system a small shock from the cold.
"You're going to hurt him, you know that right?" Matt told in an offhanded tone, he had stopped trying to get the water out of his hair and now let it drip, sticking long black strands to any exposed skin.
Alex didn't answer, him at first instead she bit down on her lower lip, hoping the pain might jog her brain in to answering. It didn't.
"You know that he really cares for you, he wont stop talking about you." Matt paused allowing Alex to absorb the information, "he keeps telling us how the ones who bad mouth you are wrong. How you are just misunderstood." He paused again, probably waiting for an answer off Alex when he didn't get one he continued, "Are you going to prove him right? Or are you going to do what everyone thinks you're going to do and break his heart?"
Alex felt tears welling up in her eyes, "I thought he hated me." she meet his eyes, "I'll hurt him if I get close to him, like I do to everyone else." Alex tried to rationalize her early actions in her head then explain then to Matt, but as she spoke the got mixed up which in turn made them get mixed up in her thoughts.
"Getting close to you and getting hurt is risk he wants to take, let him take it." Matt whispered over the rain, his words crushing all of her arguments not to go back.
Alex suddenly crouched over and fell to her knees, she clutched her head in her hands and let out a loud sob. It happened again everything she knew was failing her, she need to leave, she needed to think. Without Matt 's helping hand up, she stood and ran, ran back to her room, the rain cutting in to her skin as it grew colder and froze to hailstones.
Alex had run past the man who wasn't her father and straight in to her darken room, she threw herself on to her bed and let her body just fall where it did. Her hands had reached the other end of the bed and now lay partially under the bed touching a small box that lay there.
It had been a day since she had anything from that box, her body ached for it but heart ached for Mark, and that yearning seemed to be the only thing that was keeping her sane but at the same time it drove her in to confusion. She pulled herself further to the side of the bed, creasing the sheets as she did so. When she was eye level with the box, she peered over the edge at it. Her thoughts flicker to Mark then to Matt and what he said.
She sighed, every time she thought she had it sorted, something or some one upset her way of thinking. She reached over and clicked the box open, it was nearly empty. She lit one of the contents and put it to her lips, this was the only consent in her life. At least that's what Alex had always believed.
The door slammed open, Alex barely noticed she was too involved watching the colours in her room mutate. "Get out!" A purple man yelled at her, the man who wasn't her father had grabbed hold of her and was now dragging her out the her room. Alex felt it and she knew what was going on but the effect of her escape was still strong, besides she didn't want to do anything.
She listen to him yell about how she treated the house like a hotel and she never helped out and she brought crap in the house and used it.
His words rained down on her like the rain, which had now stopped but threaten to pour again soon, like the water she let his words course over her not really taking any notice but knowing it was there.
The door slammed and Alex leaned against it, she had nothing now, not that she had anything to begin with.
Tears wanted to beat down her face, part of her told her she should be begging his forgiveness and trying to regain her place in the house. But she didn't want to. She didn't want to ever see him again, she didn't care that she had nowhere to go, it somehow didn't seem to matter, none of it mattered to her. She looked at the clothes he had thrown out after her, nothing of importance and no black box. Alex then wanted to cry, her little box of escapes wasn't with her, he'd kept it.
She closed her eyes, still not moved from her leaned position against the door she'd just been thrown from. Her thoughts emptied, her stare went blank and the rain still patted down on her, soaking her to the skin.
Morning come Alex still hadn't moved from her feeble position last night, still nothing possessed her thoughts. She sat waiting to be moved along in a comatose state. Tears still threatened her eyes from the loss of her box, nothing changed for her as the morning came. Still stuck in hell, still addicted to escape and her knight in shining armour was nowhere to be seen.
The door behind her opened the man who wasn't her father anymore glared at her, he kicked the girl at the base of his door away so he could pass by. The pain from the kick couldn't seem to jog her out of the state she'd fallen in to.
"Move off my land!" he growled at her then stalked back in the house formally know Alex's residence. She dragged her self up, not conscious of what she was doing and walked off the uncovered porch to the street, where she just followed the path to anywhere.
The first thought since last night entered her thoughts in a sort of blur, mainly because she couldn't concentrate on one thing. She thought of the day she promised she would never cry again. The day her mother moved out and left her with her stepfather. She lost everything that day.
Alex walked unaware of the people around her, she found herself walking towards the park. She ended up in the forestry part of the park, in her what was her paradise. It was so cover that not even the morning sun could penetrate the canopy that covered it. She sat down in the middle and closed her eye letting the quiet wash over her. Letting the nothingness become part of her, or her part of the nothingness, she couldn't figure out which was happening. Though the latter option seemed more applicable.
She sat there and listened for anyone, but not wanting to talk to them. Eventually she heard Mark came by with a bunch of his friends, she tried to listen to what they were saying but she found it to hard to concentrate. They didn't see her tucked away in the cover area, for that she was glad, Alex didn't want to disappoint Mark. She cared for him, more than anyone she could remember.
"Hey" a voice intrude in her cloud of thought, "Alex, you alright?"
"Mark?" she looked up, expecting to see disapproving crimson eyes filled with concern. She didn't instead she saw greyish eyes that glittered with a smile. "Josh, hi."
He moved to sit beside her, then slide his arm round her, "can I do anything for you today?" he asked, smiling at her.
Alex opened her mouth then paused, Mark would hate her if she said yes but on the other hand everything would stop hurting, "Yes" her voice was a whisper as she was afraid Mark would hear it. Though if that was the case she should have screamed it, and he would have come to save her like the knight in shinning armour he was playing.
"First." josh held his hand out. money, he wanted to be paid. Alex cursed in her head, she didn't have any, and she didn't have anything of value either. Upon hearing this Josh retracted his offer of freedom, "I can't give it to you for free." He shrugged as he spoke.
"Josh please, I'll do anything." Alex begged and realised it was the first time she had ever depended on some one else, and how weak her addiction had made her.
"Anything?" Josh developed a sly smile and his eyes wondered down her body callously.
The word 'yes' tried to spring to her lips but got caught in her throat, maybe it was Mark's voice so close that stopped it there but she couldn't give josh what he wanted. She had already sunk as low as she would, she couldn't let herself sink any further, could she?
"I'll double the offer if you scream for me" he whispered to her his arm wrapping round her waist like a hungry snake.
Alex let him hold her, as she looked out of the covered woods and gazed on Mark. Guilt fed on her soul again, eating her up inside. He was a reason not do anything but then again there were so many things set against her, so many things that wanted her gone. Would he understand why she did it, would it matter? Josh's hand wondered off her waist and travelled to higher land, to then be pushed back down.
"Are we doing this or not?" he asked, not liking to wait for an answer.
"You've done this sort of thing before?" Alex inquired, not really caring but wanting to know what she was getting her self into.
"Haven't all us sinners done it before?" he moved closer to her and planted a wet kiss on her neck. "No."
"You don't mean that?" josh told her pressing his body against hers. Instead of responding she pushed him away and stood up to run. She ran from the wooded area and past Mark, she ran till she reached her former home. Standing on the doorstep she prayed no one was home and entered, walking quickly and quietly to the kitchen, she went to the wooded draw and pulled out what she wanted. Then left. Unseen and unheard by prying eyes.
"Mark!" Matt's voice shouted to him from across the schoolyard, Mark paused and waited for the longhaired boy to catch up.
"You alright?" Matt said his voice filled with sincere concern.
"Yeah, why?" Mark's face looked slightly amused, Matt was not one to worry about anything, so Mark wondered about his concern.
"You haven't heard about Alex?"
Anxiety flooded Mark the moment he heard Alex's name, "What about her?"
"I am sorry," Matt looked away from him, "She's dead."
Mark didn't say anything, his face paled and felt nothing.
"Mark? Are you alright?" Matt shook him gently.
"Where is she?" he demanded, his voice was shaking and uneven.
"The mortuary." Matt watched Mark adams apple quiver, "What are you going to do?"
Mark didn't answer, he turned and walked steadily out of the school grounds and towards the city mortuary.
No one heard from him from Mark for four days till several of his friends were sent a noticed of Alex's funeral. Some went some didn't. Those that did saw Mark standing alone, his face streaked with shadows of tears. When any one tried to talk to him his made his excuse and moved away to be on his own.
As the coffin was laid in the hole in the ground not a tear was shed or a good bye said. Most of those who showed up were there to support Mark no other reason. All they saw was Mark on his own not one saw the girl faded in the background, never to be seen again, nor did they hear her whisper on the wind, "Screw you all" as her last fading remark.