She felt the icy cold, water slip through her fingers. It stung her skin, but somehow she didn't mind. She let it run on her pale, bruised hands, until she felt they were numb. Slowly she splashed it on her face, and she felt herself shudder. It felt so cold, as if it was piercing her skin, freezing her nerves. She imagined the feel of it running through her whole body, and she turned off the faucet. She looked at herself, in the mirror, and she felt disgusted. Unworthy, even. The light was white and bright, too bright. The light illuminated the bags under her eyes, and the scars on her skin. She felt ugly, and she closed her eyes and turned away. She wasn't beautiful; not even the least bit pretty. And how she hated herself for it. But somehow, over time, she was convinced she had accepted it. It turns out she hadn't, as realization dawned on her. Her eyes were dull, hollow like. Like a lifeless doll's. Her hair was dark and limp, had no bounce, or shine. But that was her. That was who she was. That was Molly.
She made her way out of the bathroom, and the white light that stained her heart. She found herself back into her dark, gloomy room. The curtains were pulled shut, and she hadn't bothered to turn the light on. She preferred things this way; dark, and no ray of light coming in. Light was like some unwanted creature that wasn't welcome here. It was forbidden. Or so she liked to think. Her room very much reflected her personality; dark. She felt as if she had no motivation to move, to breathe, to exist. All the light that had been shed on her when she was born was now far gone. Faded, over the years of being alone. She chose to be this way, but sometimes she felt as if she had no choice. No choice but to be shut in her room, with the whispering shadows that overcame with the dark. She sat on her bed, still-like. She gazed at the bare ceiling, trying to imagine it coming down, caving in on her. Maybe then, perhaps, she'd realize what her purpose in life would be. Because she obviously had no clue. Maybe to change the world, but she highly doubted it. That was like her, becoming Barney's sidekick. Which, even thinking about, made her gag. She fell backwards on the bed, letting the soft cotton sheets rest against her skin. She closed her eyes, and she felt her world suddenly sink in. As if she had just been in one of those twirly whirls her whole life, and now, she was just getting out. Her feet weren't steady, and she could feel herself losing her balance. And she had nothing to hold on to, and she could feel the ground rushing up to meet her. Until, finally, smack. The lights went out, and she was numb. She couldn't feel time rushing by, continuing without her. Or the birds chirping, then dying, fading away. She couldn't feel the snow cover the ground, then melt away into spring. Or the flowers sprouting back into life, waiting for the sun's rays to grace them again.
She was just there. Not living, or existing. Not thinking, not breathing. She was there, something people didn't bother to see, or acknowledge. Invisible, yeah that was it. And what was the meaning of it all when you were just there, not making a difference, not being able to make a single choice? Seeing life pass by, without her going along with it. But did she really want to? Join the frenzy, the hectic busy herds? Did she really want to leave the peace she lived in all her life?
That was still a question she could not answer.
Although she had been looking for it, ever since she could think, wonder.
Suddenly the phone rang, and she was sucked back into reality. She sat up, and reached for the phone.
" Molly?" " Yes?" It was Terence. She knew it. By the sound of her voice, and because she was the only one who called her. And her calls always begun with the question, 'Molly?' Like she didn't know that Molly had her own phone. " Its me, Terri." " I know," she said, quietly. There was silence on the other line; this was always how it was. It was like Terence was checking up on her, checking if she was still alive. Of course, she always was. Although she didn't want to be, most of her days. " Terence?" " Its Terri, Molly. Why can't you call me 'Terri'? You sound like my mother, and you know that's not good. We've known each other since elementary school, you should have that in your head by now." " I can't help it," she said, getting slightly frustrated. But she really didn't know why she kept calling her 'Terence.' Everyone else called her Terri, for she preferred to be called that. But somehow, she just couldn't get used to calling her that. " Goodness, Molly. You're so formal," she laughed. Molly felt herself smile. " So, why'd you call me this time? I was hoping you'd have a specific or different reason this time." " I knew you were in your daze again. I just wanted to check up on you." " Are you some kind of psychic?" " No, its our bond, Molly," she said. She emphasized on the word 'bond'. She sighed. " See? This is how long we've known each other. I can tell when you're on the brink of losing your head." " I wasn't losing my head." " Really, Molly. If I can tell what your doing right at the moment, I can sure tell when you're lying." Molly sighed, and fingered her wooden dresser, tracing the curves and the handiwork. " Anyway," Terence said, more quietly. " My cousin's coming over today. You know, the one from New York, I've told you about him. I think you should really meet him." " What time should I be over?" " After dinner would be fine." She paused. " You sure you're okay?" Molly sighed, and heard the hint of concern in her friend's voice. " Really, Terence, you'd think asking that question would be pointless, by now." " It's Terri," she snapped. Then Molly heard soft chuckling on the other line. " I don't even know why I even bother." " I don't either," she said, slightly amused. " Well, I better get off the phone. I'll see you tonight." " Alright, bye." And then she heard the click of the receiver. Molly put down the phone, slowly. She smiled down at it, seeing her friend's face clearly in her mind. She could see Terence's eyebrows knit in frustration and annoyance, and her lips frozen into a firm line. She lay back down, and closed her eyes again, silently and mentally begging to be dragged back into where she was. To feel the slightly corrupted peace she had been feeling earlier. Her hands felt clammy and cold, and she could feel the atmosphere around her get darker. But her mind still couldn't focus, everything seemed to be wandering. Finally she just got up, giving up on her peaceful frozen state. She knew it would come, sooner or later. It wasn't healthy to force it. She walked to the kitchen, and sat down to eat dinner. Her mother was at the counter, eating spaghetti, reading some business magazine that came weekly. She looked at her through the top of the magazine. " Hi honey. Did you just come out of your room now?" she asked, taking another bite. Molly nodded, and filled her plate. Her mother sighed, and put down her magazine. She looked at her child, worried, although she knew she wasn't doing anything illegal or, bad. " Honestly, honey. What do you do in there? It's like you're barely there, no music, or noise. It's not normal for teenagers, especially at your age, to be silent, like you are." " Did you just read that from your magazine?" Molly asked, dripping with sarcasm. She took a bite of her dinner. Her mother gave her a stern look. " No," her mother paused. " I heard it from Oprah." Molly snorted, and almost found herself choking on her spaghetti. She quickly got up and filled up a glass of water. She gulped it down, feeling her dry throat being slowly extinguished. " I'm just worried about you," her mother remarked. " Yes, because I heard mothers are terribly good at that," she said, returning to her seat. Her mother sighed, and looked at her, disappointed. " Why can't you be like Laura, from next door? She's such a sweet girl, and she's a cheerleader. Some extracurricular wouldn't hurt." Molly stabbed at her spaghetti. She hated being compared to other girls, especially Laura Cratenfeld. Their next-door neighbor's daughter, and also, one of the girls she deeply hated. It didn't help that her mother kept saying how great she was, and asking why she couldn't be like her all the time, either. Laura was a suck up, tissue stuffing, bimbo. Molly wouldn't waste her time around her, even breathing the air she breathed in. She knew how she truly was, and if her mother knew too, she wouldn't like her so much. Sometimes she wondered why her mother hadn't traded her in for Laura yet. She really didn't mind; she felt sorry for the Cratenfelds. They really could use a break from their bratty daughter.
After dinner, Molly found herself walking to Terence's house. Her house was only a block away, so she didn't really see why she had to drive over there. Especially when it was breezy, and the sky was darker than usual. She clutched her jacket close to her, although she didn't mind the cold. She could hear the pitter-patter her sneakers made, and she stared up at the cloudless dark sky. The stars weren't visible yet, but she knew that when she was walking back, the sky would be splattered with them. She didn't know how something could be so beautiful, and why God only put them up when it was time for people to fall into their peaceful slumber. It seemed like a terrible waste. She knew she would trade in the too bright sun for the glittering, mysterious stars, anytime. Although there were millions, she got the feeling that somehow, they were lonely. It was weird, but it intrigued her. She felt as if she had some kind of connection with them, each of them. It helped to know there were more people, or things, that were like her. Only a little bit.
She reached Terence's house, and unlocked the back gate, that led to her backyard. She heard the click of the lock, and went inside. She saw the towering tree, and the tree house that they had built back when they were eleven, with, of course, the help of Terence's dad. She grasped the blocks of wood that was nailed to the side of the tree, and climbed up, until she could step over into the tree house. She walked over to the side, slightly ducking, for she had grown quite too tall to stand up all the way in here, and sat down. She let her feet dangle into the open air, gazing at the ground below. It seemed so far down, even now. She imagined sliding off, and the feel of falling. And the sickening feeling at the pit of your stomach when you saw that the ground was coming closer and closer, until you could feel the heavy thud, and you were no more. That is, until you woke up in a hospital bed, if you ever did. She suddenly felt her hands behind her, pushing her farther and farther off the wood. She could feel her mind in a thick haze, and her thoughts were trapped in them, not getting through. Her conscience, whose scream, was muffled, was clawing at her heart, and throat. She felt a lump beginning to form in her throat, and the dryness that she had thought she had repaired, came back. Although, something was egging her on, telling her to keep going. It was hidden, somehow, and she couldn't find it, but it could still reach her, and she had no control. Just as she was going to push her hands along the wood again, she heard her name.
" Molly!" She immediately stopped, and the voice that was telling her to go on, faded. Her conscience's screams were no longer muffled, and it was telling her off, with every nerve in her body in a frenzy. Suddenly she heard and felt footsteps on the wood, and she got up, slightly ducking, brushing herself off. She saw Terence, and a boy behind her. Terence was smiling at her like a madman, and Molly was curious to know why. She hadn't seen her smile like that in days. " Molly," Terence said. Then she motioned to the boy behind her. " This is- " "-Hall," the boy interrupted. She continued, " Hall. And Hall, this is Molly." The boy came forward, ducking more than any of us were, and held out his hand. She took it, and she felt a slight shock, when their hands came into contact. She peered at the boy, which was only a dark outline, like a shadow. She wondered if he had felt it too. Terence turned to both of them. " We better get inside. Hall's too tall to be inside here, he's going to break this old thing." Molly laughed, lightly. " Oh shut up, Terence," he said. And she heard Terence's annoyed voice," It's TERRI. Get it right. Goodness, you're both the same." And with that, they left the tree house and headed to her house.
They entered Terence's house, and light flooded Molly's sight. She could tell they had just fixed their lights; it wasn't as bright as this before. They walked to her room, and Terence closed the door. Molly sat on the bed, and that was when she really saw Hall. She took in the sight of him, smiling, with his hands in his pockets. He had messy black hair, with captivating pale blue eyes. She couldn't help but think that he looked, somehow, inhuman. The feeling that she got when she had looked at him didn't help either. It seemed as if she had butterflies in her stomach, and she couldn't figure out what it was. She continued to look at him, until, she realized he was staring right back at her. She quickly turned away, a blush spreading through her cheeks. " You guys are boring, really. Can you feel the awkwardness in the air?" Terence said, smiling. She was obviously enjoying this, although Molly couldn't figure out why. But Terence's mind was slightly disturbed that way, so she learned. " It's not like you're helping, Terence," Hall said, before taking a seat next to Molly. Terence sighed and glared at them, as she took a seat on her computer chair. " TERRI. T-E-R-R-I. Can both of you understand that? I even spelled it out for you, for Pete's sakes." " That's not what it says on your birth certificate," Hall remarked. Terence glared at him, when a mischievous smile spread across her face. " Hall, that's not what it says on your birth certificate, either. Dane Wheeler Hall, that's such a dandy name, isn't it. Dane?" Hall shook his head, muttering under his breath. " Why do you want to be called by your last name?" Molly blurted out loud, without thinking. Hall looked at her, and smiled. " Dane's such a.. I don't understand the name. Hall.. I don't know, actually." " Well, since we're talking about names, here, let's ask Molly what her full name is," Terence smiled. Molly glared at her. She had never told anyone her full name. Terence, however, looked it up on the school computer when she was working there for some school service. Partly to anger Molly, and the other part just out of curiosity. They all looked at her, as if she was really going to tell them. " Molly," she said simply. Terence rolled her eyes at her, and Hall grinned widely again. " So we all have something to hide, " he said. " It's no problem. But, mind you, I will find out, sooner or later. That's just how things work." Molly turned to him, confused. " You mean you're not-" "-Going back to New York?" He finished off for her. He shook his head. " They'd have to drag me back there." Terence scoffed, and got up. " That's 'cause you got kicked out of every school your parents sent you to." Hall shrugged, staring at the maroon carpet. " Only six." " Only six? My parents would've disowned me by now." " Oh yeah. Why haven't they?" " Ha. Ha. Ha," she said, sarcastically. Terence turned to Molly. " They sent him here to live with us because they think it's New York that's corrupted him. Like we could un-corrupt him or something," she said, shaking her head. " I always thought your parents were dense in the head." " Must run in the family, " Hall snapped. Terence shrugged. Then there was silence. It seemed weird; Terence couldn't stand silence. Ever. Molly stood, and looked at her. " I think I better go." " Why? You just got here!" Terence whined. Molly looked at her, and she understood. She knew what she meant, and she decided to let her go. Molly was her friend, but she could never control her. Or even the dazes she keeps getting trapped into. Molly had told her once, and at first she didn't understand. But it was too often she found her with that far away look in her eyes now, and she got worried. So she had asked her again. And this time it had made perfect sense. Ever since then, Terence had never pressured her about it. It was horrible. It was a terrible burden Molly had to live with, and she knew it was best to leave it. No one could stand seeing that all over again. Molly smiled at Hall, weakly. " Bye. It was nice meeting you," she said, and left, before Hall could utter a word back.
Hall looked at his cousin, whose shoulders seemed to slouch, as if they bared a heavy weight. Terence finally took a seat next to him, and answered him, as if she knew exactly what he was thinking, or, more precisely, wondering. " She comes and goes," she said, her voice emotionless. " What happened?" He asked, quietly. She sighed and turned to him. " I don't think it's in my place to tell you. It's her story, her pain. Her burden." Hall nodded, although he didn't quite understand. He felt weird about that girl, Molly. Her aura, maybe. But it was her eyes that, somehow, moved him. It intrigued him, but worried him. He didn't even know why; he barely knew her. Her eyes were so dark, so empty, even. But at the same time, it was filled with so much sorrow, behind that thick haze of questions. He had never seen that in a person before, and that caused questions to run through his head. It scared him, even. What was it about Molly? And what even confused him more, was the feeling that he had at the pit of his stomach. Like someone was throwing light pebbles down it, and they bounced off his insides. And when he saw her in the light, he found that it was hard for him to swallow. What was this? It was so unfamiliar, yet.. How could he be feeling this way for a complete stranger?
Molly started down the dark sidewalk. She stared up at the sky for a moment, and her prediction had come true. The black sky was sprinkled with thousands of glowing diamonds. She sighed, feeling a fluttery feeling in her stomach, then started walking again. A pair of pale blue eyes invaded her empty thoughts. This threw her off; her thoughts started scattering away, and soon it was the only thing left on her mind. His eyes were haunting, inhuman, as she had thought before. She shivered, as she pictured them again. But confusion coursed through her veins, and she started racking her mind again. Why was it this boy, a boy she barely knew, was the only thing she could think about? What was it about him? What was it about him that stood apart from all the other boys she had seen? A car whizzed past her, and she felt the breeze it brought on everything it passed. She clutched her jacket more tightly, and walked faster. The street seemed silent, even deserted. Although she preferred silence over almost anything, it disturbed her. Something was off, she could feel it. She broke into a run, feeling the wind in her ears; it's whispers getting louder and clearer. Until she finally reached her house, and locked herself in her dark room.
She heard her pants fill the room, and she welcomed the darkness that invaded her vision. She slowly walked to her bed, and sat down. She could see the dark outlines of the objects she owned, but she knew that in a couple of hours it would seem as if this room was empty. She slowly leaned back, feeling the soft sheets below her. She stared above her, at her bare ceiling. This became an hourly thing for her; just trying to get lost in her own thoughts. More than once, she imagined the ceiling coming down on her, or becoming into some monster and eating her up. She let her imagination get the best of her, but she always knew that it was all pretend. So it didn't help as much as she hoped. She felt her head become light, and she grasped onto her bed sheets. She shut her eyes, although they were aching to be left open. She felt a coldness sweep over her, and she began to hold herself. If this was insanity, she didn't know. But it happened constantly, along with flash backs that made her crumble to the floor. Suddenly she saw a familiar face, of a man, smiling down on her. His clear blue eyes, twinkling, and she felt her eyes begin to tear. Then she heard shouts and yells, and the picture became unclear. She felt colors swirl, and her world was spinning again. Then she had one last glance at the man, laughing happily, holding a little girl. Before it quickly switched, and she saw that same man, on the floor, blood pouring out from the side of his head. Gun in his hand. Before she knew it, she was on her knees, holding herself, body shaking violently. She felt like her lungs were going to explode, no matter how much air she managed to gasp in. Her hands were wet, with her tears, and her hair stuck to her face. The memories were gone, and so were the voices, but there was silence. And it was killing her. Her mind swirled with so many thoughts; her world had come down on her. It felt so horrible, her head was aching, and she felt alone, again. Like everyone had abandoned her, left her alone here to die. With her memories, and her tears. The dark room's walls seemed to come closer, trapping her in. She sobbed silently, not wanting her mother to hear her.
If she wasn't going to die by some accident, then she knew for sure this would. She would. These memories, these rusty knives from the past stabbing her, and opening up old wounds. Sooner or later, they were going to be the death of her. She was sure of it.
********* Molly rolled over, and found that the unconscious state she had been was fading away. She groaned, and opened her eyes. She found herself staring at the white, bare ceiling that she had become so familiar with. She lay still, not moving at all. She was alive, again. Waking up yet another morning just to find more problems to deal with. She slowly got up, and stared at her white walls. She didn't know why she spent so much of her time staring into space, or drifting away, but she felt as if she had to. To get away from life, from everything. From the harsh reality that seemed to stab her with its poisonous needles to try to get her to break down again. It was the same thing every single day, and she was getting sick of it; every millisecond her mind was taunting her, then swirling into a vortex of pain the other. She sighed, letting the air that she had breathed in too many times back into her lungs. Molly wondered when she would just be able to do it. Give up everything, and let herself be succumbed into the dreamless, numb, sleep of eternity. Not being able to breathe, or see life again. Anything to wash away the pain, the memories. She hesitantly got up off her bed, and walked into the bathroom. She drove to Terence's house, her mind feeling blank and empty. Terence had asked her last Friday if she could catch a ride with her, just until her dad takes her car to the shop. But then something else plagued her thoughts, once again. Haunting pale blue eyes were burned into her mind. It seemed to look into her soul, understand. And she felt a slice of worry and fear cut through her. He couldn't possibly understand, or even know what she was going through. He had only just met her the night before. There was no possible way. But as the lingering pair seemed to fade from her mind, she was greeted with them again. Terence was standing out on her driveway with Hall, who had a backpack also. Molly was confused, and even slightly scared. She had a feeling he was going to be joining them at school, and she didn't quite feel comfortable with that. His presence seemed to trouble her, confuse her. She couldn't relax when he was around, or even near. Terence greeted her with a smile as she opened the passenger seat door. " I hope you don't mind, Hall has to catch a ride too. It turns out his parents enrolled him here, hoping our school will un-corrupt his mind. I told you his parents were dense." Molly nodded, not seeming to find the words she needed to say. She heard the car door open, then close, and she felt her body tense, knowing the boy who had haunted her mind was sitting behind her. She tried to push her thoughts away, as she began to drive to their prison-esque high school.