3Senseless whispers
Prologue
I feel ugly. In a new school where everyone is unique and different- friendly bitches, friends and comrades, flirts- all these and all I can do is feel ugly. I do not feel me as a unique soul but as someone who is stained and useless. The world has dictated me to see the realties of an insane world. Fighting emotions and bloody tears that no one will ever see dwells in me. Someone is always weeping while humming a cold silent and hunting dirge. She is watching the pillars of a child's faith turn into ash and crumble into darkness. I've been quite about these whispers about different touches, different from others. A love that is not a love but something deep yet shallow. It causes many to go blind and suffer. A thing that one, even I who is experiencing it, does not understand.
This is my story, read shattered pieces of a sanctified yet deadened ME.
Chapter 1
I could not move forward and take the risks and accept all the challenges in life with vigor. I have been afraid ever since I was a little child, acting huge at the outside but feeble in the inside. Just like what I'm doing with the feelings I am feeling with her.
I have always felt that in my past life I had been a geisha of some sort or something filthy, making me feel loathsome inside. Therefore let us say that I have no gender but an 'it' to all of you.
A crappy day is when I feel heavy and depressed somewhere in my heart. When I could not be content with this beautiful life and wonderful world. Despite the love and the grasps of many love ones every time I start tripping. Everything started on a crappy day and now I'm trying. no struggling to pick up my shattered self. What did torrent me completely beyond those many cracks I received from many people and myself, you may ask? Well aside from the everyday insults in different forms that all adds up to my insecurities, a stupidity arrow hit me once again. That stupidity arrow is different from the every day stupidity arrows that we commonly receive either in school for example, when you carelessly forget your multiplication table while doing Trigonometry or at home when fighting with someone without concrete reasons especially on a bad day. It was the infatuation arrow from someone I do not know but only see everyday. IT was from her - a girl, shameful to say but I admit it with all surrender. Nothing can bruise me more when I stare at her long hands. Hands that would not attract the common guys but something in it 'gravitated' me to her. Ever since that stupid stupidity arrow I am uselessly drawn to something BAD in a way. To stare at her would blow my cover and that is why I feel ugly, useless and pathetic.
Now look at me silhouette of my life and smile at my forlornness. A foolish soul out to burst into even more tiny pieces with each words and glares. Words that ebbs while I'm caught in between spheres of light and darkness.
Chapter 2
I need someone to say that everything is all right when something like this happens. I see her every day but enough about her, I don't even know her and it is impossible to say that this is infatuation and certainly not love but a simple crush. Damn me and damn them! My them. They don't have the faintest idea how I feel. Not them, I could never depend on them for emotional comfort. They are the closest and hardest to reach among all of them and the ones that will push you to a cliff of suicide.
Now how can I say that the clouds are blue when everything is gray, beyond these shrouded eyes and rising mountains that life brings I am burnt. Help me, anyone who is there, who can or will understand me. Foolish are those who feels like and nothing.
When the closest among you judge you everything will be miserable. Let be this story a lesson. When you suffer through them the wounds that pierced you will be harder and longer to heal.
Hopefully someone said the magic words that I needed to hear "Everything is all right, we'll go through this together." It was my best friend that said this. She is two strikingly years older than me.
Right then I realized that some things we will not understand. Like the love a family can bring, at one moment you may curse them to hell then love them like water for a thirsty soul.