These used to be on my profile...but I realized there were just way too many of them. So I decided to make them a story. So here it is... Mobius Soul's Big Quotefile!

"...up the back steps of Zorgo the Retrophrenologist... It works like this. Phrenology, as everyone knows, is a way of reading someone's character, aptitude and abilities by examining the bumps and hollows on their head. Therefore-according to the kind of logical thinking that characterizes the Ankh-Morpork mind-it should be possible to mould someone's character by giving them carefully graded bumps in all the right places. You can go into a shop and order an artistic temperament with a tendency to introspection and a side order of hysteria. What you actually get is hit on the head with a selection of different size mallets, but it creates employment and keeps the money in circulation, and that's the main thing."
Later in the book: "He picked up the mallet again. "Now, what are we going for today? Decisiveness, yes?" "Yes. Well, no. Maybe." "Right.""
-Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms

"T'ISH MAGEV: You're very ambivalent.
ANGEL: Well, I am and I'm not."
-Angel TV show

"Whether the melon falls on the knife or the knife falls on the melon, it's always the melon that gets it."
-Some guy on the radio

"The babel fish has been used to prove the NONexistence of God. The logic goes like this: 'I do not provide proof of my existence," says God, "because proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing.' 'Ahhhh,' says Man, 'but the Babel fish is a dead giveaway! It proves you exist and therefore, by your own logic, you don't. QED.' 'Oh dear. I hadn't thought of that,' says God and promptly vanishes at the next pedestrian crossing."
-Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"When you ASSUME you make an ASS out of U and ME."
-Common saying

"When you make an assumption, you make an ass out of U and MPTION."
-Samuel L. Jackson's character in The Long Kiss Goodnight

SCIENTIST: Sir, we've lost the Mars rover.
BUSH: We sent a $#! dog to Mars?
SCIENTIST: No, sir. Apparently we sent the rover to some penguins.
BUSH: Penguins.
SCIENTIST: Little thieves. ::points to picture:: This one grabbed Rover.
BUSH: A penguin grabbed Rover?
SCIENTIST: As a car.
BUSH: Car rover.
SCIENTIST: Purloined!
BUSH: Laura! A penguin grabbed Karl Rove's loins!
SCIENTIST: No...
-"Opus" comic

"We couldn't think of a decent rhyme for 'Krustchev' until he'd gone. 'Did he fall or was he pustchev', that was it..."
-Flanders and Swann, The Best-iary of Flanders and Swann album

"Oh mighty Yamses! We tire of building your food pyramid. Let my pickles go!"
-A pickle in robe with staff, to a yam on throne with Egyptian regalia. The Simpsons making fun of that Christian movie series about the Christian vegetables. Personally, I believe that if your veggie has a tail you should throw it away.

Miles: "I am not schizoid. A little manic-depressive, maybe."
Galeni: "Know thyself."
Miles: "We try, sir."
-Brothers in Arms, by Lois McMaster Bujold

"I do not like your kicks so high! I do not like them, Sam-U-Rai!"
-A seriously weird episode of Dexter's Laboratory.

"I can't hear you 'cause we're breakin' up..."
-Elvis Costello, Dissolve, When I Was Cruel album

"In a world of wiggeledy biggeledy friggeledy frumps...Blue Man Group, at the Charles Playhouse."
-Commercial for Blue Man Group

Miles: "Use your initiative!"
Ivan: "I don't have initiative. I follow orders. It's much safer."
Miles: "All right, I order you to use your initiative!"
-Cetaganda, by Lois McMaster Bujold

"Hyperspace jumps are unpleasantly like being drunk." "What's so unpleasant about being drunk?" "You ask a glass of water."
-Ford Prefect, to Arthur Dent, in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

Baco Opening! ::smacks Ryi on the side of the head with Beef in a Tube::
Ryi No! ::flies across ring and into wall::
Baco ::Does victory dance on Ryi's head:: Bacon bacon baconbaconbaconBACON!
Ryi Her Bacon Force is greater than mine. I must train before I challenge her again. ::runs off::
-Chibis In My Head, by flamemajic-funny as hell, read it!

"We're the Knights of the Round Table
We dance whene'er we're able
We do routines
And chorus scenes
With footwork impeccable
We dine well here in Camelot
We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot
We're the Knights of the Round Table
Our shows are formidable
But many times
We're given rhymes
That are quite unsingable
We're opera mad in Camelot
We sing from the diaphragm a loooooooooooooot (singing from diaphragm)
I n war we're tough and able
Quite indefatigable
Between our quests
We sequin vests
And impersonate Clark Gable
It's a busy life in Camelot
(solo, slowly, very deep) I have to push the pram a loooooooooooot
KING ARTHUR: On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. 'Tis a silly place."
-The Knights of the Round Table's Song, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, a movie by Python Productions

"FRENCHMAN: Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur-King, and your silly English kuh-niggets! blows raspberry
GALAHAD: What a strange person.
KING ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man!
FRENCHMAN: I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper! I fart on your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries!
GALAHAD: Is there anyone else up there we could talk to?
FRENCHMAN: No! Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!"
-The Taunting Frenchman, same movie, which is the funniest movie ever.

"When they whispered "Napoleon pays Josefine's rent,"
"Nonsense," said Bonaparte,
"She lives on her own-a-part,
In her own-apart-ment.""
-Flanders and Swann, Friendly Duet, At the Drop of Another Hat album

"(rapping)The Moor of Venice,
His name was Othello,
He liked Desdemona
and he liked, uh, green Jell-O..."
-"Shakespeare Reduced" on public television-which CAN be good, in certain cases, as I think this proves! Besides, I can't bash PBS, my dad works there...

"I have seen it estimated,
Somewhere between death and birth,
There are now three thousand million,
People living on this earth,
And the stockpiled mass destruction,
Of the nuclear powers that be,
Equals for each man or woman,
Twenty tons of TNT.
Every man of every nation,
Twenty tons of TNT,
Shall receive this allocation,
Twenty tons of TNT,
Texan, Bantu, Slav, or Maori,
Argentine or Singhalee,
Every maiden brings this dowry,Twenty tons of TNT.
Not for thirty silver shilling,
Twenty tons of TNT,
Twenty thousand pounds of killing,
Twenty tons of TNT,
Twenty thousand years of teaching,
Give to each his legacy,
Plato, Buddha, Christ, or Lenin,
Twenty tons of TNT.
Father, mother, son and daughter,
Twenty tons of TNT,
Give us land and seed and water,
Twenty tons of TNT,
Children have no need of sharing,
At each new nativity,
Come the ghostly magi bearing
Twenty tons of TNT.
Ends the tale that has no sequel,
Twenty tons of TNT,
Now in death are all men equal,
Twenty tons of TNT.
Teach me how to love my neighbor,
Do to him as he to me,
Share the fruits of all our labor,
Twenty tons of TNT."
-Flanders & Swann, Twenty Tons of TNT, extended tracks on The Bestiary (of Flanders and Swann) (no typo there)

"What I have shown you is the truth. What you remember, that is the illusion."
-Sephiroth, Final Fantasy Seven

"Your ticket to the future...is always blank."
-Vash the Stampede, quoting Rem Seibrem, vol. 1, iss. 7, Trigun manga

"Smarker, but ee's gone blongie 'round the clonger! Trandy in the blang warked a newtie on the Cheebers, quaff me a duggle if it's brine. Sorky, hang our trandy high!"
-One of the protesters in an issue on Nation States. I agree.

"So don't hang out at the school after it's closed. You don't want anyone to suspect you of being a vandalizer."
-My school principal. No, really, I swear! He actually said this over the PA. It's very frightening when you know words your principal doesn't, especially when it's not a very uncommon word, compared to, say, "defenestrate". No, I won't tell you what that means, look it up!