Today was so damn confusing it made my head hurt! Why can't things just be simple? I have this problem (like all teenage girls) it deals with a guy! I've known this guy for most of my high school career and until recently I had no interest in him! But now I believe that I have formed this high school crush on him and I'm afraid of what he might say. Not sure if I even want to tell him but I do know that some day somehow he will find out! And that kinda bothers me.. Not the fact that he'll find out but by the mouth of another person! I have always told my friends to be completely honest with me because I hate it when people "run around the bush". If you get what I mean. And I don't want to seem like a hipacerte because I didn't tell him how I felt. Well I spent the whole evening with him one day and somehow we ended up at his apartment. Well from there we cuddled and watched South Park cartoons! (They're funny) And then it was time for me to go. Yes I will tell you that I DID want to kiss him SO very bad but I didn't because I have a way of running off the guys that I like with my direct actions! So I went home and got ready for bed but before I could get to that part of the sleep where you don't come out of it for anything! HE CALLS! He tells me that we need to talk and that he had a very important question he wanted to ask me and that he didn't want any BS for answer. I told him from the beginning that I would answer anything he asks honestly! This was before I know what the question was! He started talking and this is what he said " now correct me if I'm wrong witch I dought I am but you wanted to kiss tonight right?" The question shock me but I had already told him that I would answer honestly! " Well actually yes I did" I said and then felt completely stupid and prepared myself for the worst! But to my surprise he kept talk and this is how it went! He said, " well to tell you the truth so did I but I didn't because I thought to myself what would be the reaction afterwards? Then again I didn't know what the hell I'm feeling, I really like you but at this point and time I'm not sure what I want!" He pauses for a secant to see if I'm listening and I said "go on!" so, he keeps talking " SO I don't know what to do I really really like you and then again I don't even know you that well" I chime in saying " Well I don't know you that well either but I do know that I understand you better then anyone else does and I don't just think that because you've told me that I understand you better than anyone else!" He goes o to say; " yeah I know that's what I'm torn (for the lack of a better word) about! Do I just say fuck it and ask you out or do I say well hey maybe we should get to know each other better first. If I said we should get to know each other better I'm not sure if we could because you already get me and that in it's self is amusing." I say, " Well you do know that we have been friends for a while .well we've known of each other for awhile and just recently have become good friends! And good friend make great boyfriend girlfriend relationships some where down the line." At that point and time I kicked myself for minching any type of relationship and become suddenly quiet! It was quit on the phone for a few secants and then he went, " well yeah I guess your right" Okay now at this point of the phone call I have become very anxious on what he's going to say, next then after a few moments he's like well I wish that topic didn't die. I was like, " Well I'm not sure on what to do because I know my feelings and then there is your feelings witch I have no idea on how strong they are or what they are other then that you like me. Well a lot of people like me but most of the time it's like a friendship kind of like." Then after that he wasn't sure on what to say and I was getting so what very tried! SO I told him that I would call him back later the next day and then we could talk about it so more but I did know that I needed some sleep and at least some time to think upon the day happenings SO we hung up the phone and of-course I didn't go to sleep (like I wanted to) but all I thought about was how could something so wonderful happen to me? What have I done in my life to deceiver someone to like me and have the balls to call me up and tell me? Because in most cases is if I did go up and tell them how I felt it didn't happen at all. So it was nice to someone man enough to tell me how he felt for a change. Anyway, it's getting late and I'll soon have to go to work. It's nice to have a change once in awhile. Don't matter what it is just as long as it is good! Well I guess any way.
Jan. 31, 2004