16"So…"
"I'm trying to think of what to say."
"Just say it." How hard could it be?
"Well… my girlfriend dumped me…"
I would have too, if I was a girl. Hell, I would dump HER if she cried as much as he did. "That sucks. And…"
"…three years ago. So I started hanging out with my best friend Phil from high school chess club.
"How did you find a guy from high school chess club?" Although I don't know why I care…
"He emailed me. Well, actually, it was one of those 'I'm a Saudi oil billionaire and I'll give you a million dollars if you give me your bank account number to help me transfer my funds to the United States' letters. And I saw the name in the 'from' column and I emailed him back saying I wasn't gonna give him my bank account number but I remembered him from high school and would he like to go get some coffee sometime? and for some reason he said yes."
"Go on." I was mildly interested.
"So we met again and we were coming back from a concert in Austin when we ended up here. We got a flat tire and I went into a hotel to ask for directions. When I came back a horrible, pimply monster was eating him. There was no way I was getting back into a car covered with his blood, so I stayed a night at the worst hotel I've ever been in, and then in the morning I started walking, and then I ran into you."
"Wait. Tell me about the hotel."
"There was blood on the sheets, the staff were rude, and I suffered through the most pathetic and stale excuse for a Continental breakfast I've ever seen. I mean, how do you ruin cornflakes, an orange, black coffee, and toast with marmalade? If it was eggs, sure, I would understand. You can ruin eggs, especially if you're some fourteen-year-old on minimum wage. But cornflakes… how do you ruin cornflakes?"
How could he talk so much? "Yeah. I went to a hotel too. They were gonna eat me, so I left. But stale cornflakes…
He looked embarrassed. "They were eating you?"
"Yeah…" I showed him the bite mark on my arm. "They were a bunch of giant man-eating cats."
"No way." He started laughing. "But you had me for a while there."
"I'm serious."
"Sure, dude. Whatever."
His girlfriend dumped him and his best friend died? And it left him this screwed up? I'd better not die, I thought. Might push him over the edge.
"So what's your real story?"
"That was my real story." He gave me a skeptical look. "You still don't believe me? We'll find the hotel and you can go in and get a room." I wasn't kidding. He was really starting to get on my nerves.
"You're kidding, right? You wouldn't really do that to me, would you? I mean, I thought you cared about me."
Where did he get that idea? "Sure. I was kidding. Now lighten up."
"Oh. Good." There was an uncomfortable pause.
"So… how are we going to find that sign?" And how was that supposed to get us out?
"I don't know! Drive around for a while?"
"I've done that already."
"So what's your brilliant idea?"
"Told you before, I don't have one."
"So let's use mine."
When did he get so assertive? "Okay, okay. Don't have a heart attack."
He laughed. "That's funny."
What a freakin'… "Why are you so fake?" Okay, that was rude. Now he's gonna…
He started crying. "I'm not fake. You just don't like me."
No, I didn't. "I like you."
He stopped instantly. "You do?"
No! "Sure. You're really… smart."
"Yeah, well, I don't like you. You're patronizing."
What does he want? "Fine, I'll tell you the truth. I think you're a bipolar nutcase. Happy?"
He cried again, harder. "No!"
Well, I don't know what I expected. "Look, I'm sorry."
"No, you're not."
I don't have time for this… "Yes, I am. Now stop crying and let's find that sign." Anything to distract him. I started driving.