6I came home that night angry and wanting to scream, and I remember very clearly that I hit the television so hard that I broke the screen, pushed it off the stand, and made the smoke slither up to the ceiling like a snake. I remember that some of the glass in the screen slid into my palm. I remember shouting and kicking, but I don't think I was scared. I was still angry, and just angry. I remember trembling as I wrapped the bandage around my hand, still angry but reluctantly sedated. I remember that sleep didn't come easy.
But what I don't remember is what made me so angry in the first place.
Or any of the days between then and now, when my hand healed. There isn't a cut on it.
And I want to know what happened.
§
I woke up with my hand resting on my stomach, and in that groggy half awake mode I began sliding my fingers over my skin, almost like a massage. That's how I first realized the bandage was gone. Bandages don't tickle, they scratch.
I looked at my hand curiously, yawned, and went downstairs. I was still only in boxers and a shirt, but it was noon on a typical summer day and my parents wouldn't be home for hours. I slipped past the new television, and headed for the cabinets. I grabbed a bowl and went toward the pantry for my daily overdose of sugar-crusted cereal. I always keep my daily plans on post-it notes on the cereal. Today, I had a surprise birthday for Hillary to go to. Oh yeah. At some fancy restaurant, 6:00.
At 6:30, I realized I was the last one to arrive. Nobody really cared.
They were all there, all my classmates that I hadn't seen all summer. Selena saw me first, which wasn't too exciting because we never talk, and then Eileen, who jumped up, ran over, and gave me a big hug. We're getting married at 32. Eileen rules. "Andrew! I haven't seen you in, like, forever!"
"I know." Unfortunately, she was right. "But we'll fix that soon, won't we?"
"I guess we will."
Then Hillary saw me. The surprise wasn't much of a surprise anymore, but I'm pretty sure she knew about the party a few months beforehand anyway. She leapt up and gave me a chest-crushing hug, almost knocking me into a dining couple's table. "Andrew!"
"Hillary!"
She let me go, and I headed to the one free chair at the table. On my right were the adults and parents, and on my left were the only two strangers at the whole table, cutting me off from the rest of my friends. I shot a glance at Sierra, who was doing a surprisingly good job at avoiding my gaze, and then saw Kari. She hopped up and wrapped her arms around me. Lots of hugs.
"Grr... I missed you! How long has it been since we last talked?"
I couldn't help but smile. Kari had all the healthy aspects of a typical cheerleader, plus those of a typical geek, nerd, blonde, social outcast, punk. Kari rocks. "Too long, huh?"
"You better believe it! I didn't know you were coming."
"Upset?"
"Hardly."
She sat down again, and I headed for my seat. One of the strangers, the male, stopped me and extended his hand. "Hi, I'm Dave."
"Andrew."
"You sitting there?"
"Yeah."
"Cool."
"How don't I know you?"
He smiled. "I went to school with Hillary way back when."
"I still do."
I nodded to Rick, a good friend of mine, and sat down. They were talking about politics. I wasn't entirely surprised, considering Rick's best pick-up line (in his own words) is: "Do you like to party? Democrat or Republican?" With a sigh, I sat down and resigned myself to silence. In the past half hour, the strangers had become friends to the others, but I still didn't know them, and they wouldn't really look at me after I sat down. I'm not shy around people I know, but I was in the worst possible seat to have fun.
"Did you hear Gary Coleman is running for mayor, too?" Rick asked. Kind of politics.
Louis laughed. "Yeah, yeah I did! I can picture it now: 'Whatchoodoin', Ahhh-nuld?'"
Rick grinned. "Dude, even Larry Flynt's running."
"The world is going to the dogs, boys," Dave said.
"Yeah, well, no matter what you think, I want Larry Flynt to win."
"Rick, you're such a horny imbecile."
"Well, what do you expect me to say? Naked people on the streets! Hide, boys, before you're blinded!"
"Dude, Penthouse takes models. Hobos live in California. Soon to be naked hobos."
After a horrible meal (I hate rich-people food) I excused myself to the bathroom and came back at the other end of the table, crouching between Hillary and Eileen. Eileen ruffled my hair and put her hand on my shoulder. We'd always just be friends, or at least until 32, and we both knew it, but we played the role of lovers regularly, I guess. Considering the relationship I just hadn't had with Sierra, Eileen's touch was like an angel's.
I knew Sierra better than anyone else there, and even though we were still tense about the relationship that hadn't even had a chance to start between us before it failed I still felt insulted by the fact that she turned away from me when I came to her end.
"So, what'd I miss up here at the 'cool' end?" I asked.
"Did you see the calamari?" Hillary asked.
"Yeah."
"Then not a whole lot."
I stayed and talked for a while, and Dave wandered down to visit Hillary. For the first time, Sierra turned toward me. But only because Dave was in my general direction. In the few months while Sierra and I were interested in each other, we were only able to see each other twice. By the time we were able to see each other every day if we wanted, she'd given up because I hadn't kissed her. One more day and I would have had the chance. Would have taken it, too.
Sierra smiled at Dave. He smiled back.
Dave's seat was open, and Louis had gone somewhere, too. I sat down beside Kari, who was making fun of Rick's horrible track record when it came to women. And his lack of experience. I joined right in. "Have you made sure everyone knows about Rickrey and the clits?"
Kari laughed. "No! Gah, you should have been here to help!" She turned to the others and tried to tell them about the time we discovered Rick didn't know what a clit was, and got him to look it up online. In the middle of school. The sudden barrage of pornographic pop-up ads, Rick's screams, and the resulting detentions never ceased to entertain us. Or anybody looking for blackmail on Rick.
We sat and talked for a while, Kari's elbow gently pushing up against mine. I didn't know if it was intentional or not, and I probably made too big of a deal over it, but there's no doubt in my mind that I liked it.
It began to get hot, so I unbuttoned the top button of my shirt. There was a plain white undershirt beneath it, and I spotted a black marker across the table. "Hey, Kari, can you do me a favor?" And I began to unbutton my shirt.
She laughed and turned away. "Okay, no."
I smiled. "No, no, no!" I grabbed the marker and held it out to her. "Sign my chest."
She smiled at me, leaned in close to my neck, and took the cap off with her teeth. She spit it onto the table, looked me in the eyes, and then began to write. "Kari 3's Andrew," it read, only the heart was worked into her name in a surprisingly intricate design. "Turn around," she said. I did, and she slid her legs around me. I could feel one hand on my shoulder, and when she capped the pen and moved away I was almost sad.
"What's it say?"
"'Got Love?'"
Rock on.
Kari and I locked eyes for a moment too long before I turned my head and saw Sierra standing with Dave. She was absolutely stunning in that moment, and then I saw Dave and hated him. I was still way too attracted to her, that much was obvious.
"We're going to go get some gum," Sierra said.
I realized that the chairs had shifted to a point where I was, essentially, in Dave's old seat. He grabbed his stuff off the table, smiled, and turned.
Gum? For fresh breath? Gee, why would one want that?
I did a surprisingly good job at pretending like I wasn't upset. Until I got home. And put my hand through the television, picked out the glass, bandaged my hand, and stayed up all night watching my ceiling.
§
I woke up with a yawn around noon, and looked at my hand. I remembered breaking the TV again, but once again all the days in between were a giant blank. I looked out my window, saw that it was still summer, and realized I wasn't surprised. I went down the steps half-naked, grabbed my box of sugar overkill, and looked at the post-it note on it. Surprise party at 6:00.
And then that feeling washed over me, deja vù, and I paused to look at the note. But the awkward feeling was gone nearly immediately, and now nothing about the note seemed familiar.
I arrived at the restaurant at 6:30.
I sat alone.
I let Kari's hands wander over my chest.
I watched Sierra leave with Dave.
I punched a hole in the television screen.
§
I woke up with a healed hand, and when I went down to get my breakfast I had deja vù again. But what was peculiar about it wasn't just that I had the feeling, but the fact that the deja vù included remembering a past instance of deja vù.
I arrived at the restaurant at 6:30.
I sat alone.
And I began to mumble what Louis, Rick, and Dave said as they said it.
Kari slid her fingers over my pecs.
I saw Sierra and Dave flirting this time, before they left together.
I went home and scribbled on a bureau with a permanent marker.
I threw a lamp against the wall.
And when I went to bed my hand wasn't bleeding.
§
Which is why I wasn't surprised to see that, when I woke up, my hand was fine. I'd learned enough to not hurt myself again. When I saw the post-it telling me to go to Hillary's party, I had a vague memory of scribbling on a bureau. I checked the wood. It was unmarked.
I looked at the note, and I remembered Hillary's party. Vaguely. And I remembered throwing a lamp against a wall after Sierra and Dave left together. I looked for the lamp. It was whole.
I arrived at the restaurant on time that night, and picked a spot closer to Hillary, around where I recalled Sierra had taken a seat. I talked with them a while, and discovered that I'd missed a lot on the far end. We laughed a lot, and then Sierra came. She smiled at me, took a seat as far as she could politely get from me, and then proceeded to ignore me.
Kari came in with Rick. They both saw me seated, but because I wasn't up they didn't take notice of me. Soon I heard Louis and Rick talking about politics, with Dave's occasional commentary. Kari didn't look interested.
"Dude, even Larry Flynt's running."
"The world is going to the dogs, boys."
"Yeah, well, no matter what you think, I want Larry Flynt to win."
"Rick, you're such a horny imbecile."
"Well, what do you expect me to say? Naked people on the streets! Hide, boys, before you're blinded!"
"Dude, Penthouse takes models. Hobos live in California. Soon to be naked hobos."
And while Sierra was looking away from me, she locked eyes with Dave. After Hillary opened her gifts, the two of them went for some more 'gum' together. Eileen knew the whole story, and decided I needed a back massage.
§
When I woke up, I realized the massage hadn't helped. It might have, if it were the day after. But when I checked the cereal and saw nothing was broken, I realized it was still the same damn day.
I arrived at 6:30. I sat in the same seat, but this time I spoke up.
"Did you hear Gary Coleman is running for mayor, too?" Rick asked.
"Yeah, yeah I did! I can picture it now: 'Whatchoodoin', Ahhh-nuld?'"
"Wait, wait, let me guess!" I said, turning to the three other guys at the party and pointing as I quoted them. "Dude, even Larry Flynt's running. The world is going to the dogs, boys. Yeah, well, no matter what you think, I want Larry Flynt to win. Rick, you're such a horny imbecile. Well, what do you expect me to say? Naked people on the streets! Hide, boys, before you're blinded! Dude, Penthouse takes models. Hobos live in California. Soon to be naked hobos."
The three were silent.
"Man, that really does sound like us!" Louis muttered.
I sat down and looked at my rich-people food.
§
I came back the next day with McDonald's food. Sierra looked disgusted, and Dave made some joke to her. She began to giggle. I sat down, ate my hamburger and fries, and then threw the bag at a dining couple.
Slowly, I realized the table had turned silent. And I didn't care.
"So, did you hear Larry Flynt's running?"
After they made me leave the party early, I waited on a nearby parking garage and watched the party. Sierra and Dave left together. I didn't go home.
§
"My life is a movie," I told Rick. "I do the same things every day, day after day, and nothing ever changes. In fact, I think it's even a Bill Murray movie."
"I saw that movie. Good movie."
"Do you remember how he stopped getting stuck in the same day?"
"He did all the right things, I think."
Later that night, I punched a fork through Dave's cheek.
Sierra rode in the ambulance with him.
§
"Sign my chest."
Kari looked at the marker, eyed me closely, and then leaned in with one hand resting over my heart. She wrote 'Kari 3's Andrew,' and put the cap back on the marker. I leaned in and licked her nose.
When I pulled back, she was looking at me with a wild look in her eyes. Her hands trailed up my legs, resting dangerously close to my crotch, and then she rose and sat on my lap, essentially straddling me. She leaned in close to my face, and I could feel her breath on my skin. Her hair fell around us, creating a world where the only two people who existed were us.
"What would you do if I kissed you right now?" she asked.
Instead of answering, I put my lips to hers, letting my tongue slide along her lower lip.
When I pulled back, she was smiling. I realized my hands were sliding under her shirt, and I began to remove them, but she wasn't protesting. I ran the tips of my fingers over her skin, and she licked her lips. "What do I taste like?" she whispered.
"Let's go," Sierra said, disgusted, pulling Dave away from the table and out of the restaurant.
I watched her leave. Why was she upset? She was still attracted to me, wasn't she?
Kari's brow furrowed. "Sierra?"
Kari!
I looked back to her, but the damage had been done. She wiped her mouth clean of me and stepped off, walked off down the table, and took Sierra's seat.
Once again, I sat alone.
§
I kissed Eileen, but Eileen pulled away. Sierra looked upset, and left with Dave.
Eileen laughed nervously. "Look, Andrew, man, I like you and all, but you got the wrong idea."
"Oh, don't worry. That's all you're getting for now. Gotta save something for the marriage."
"Dude, we're going to save a lot."
"Alright! But you better be prepared to spend out entire honeymoon having sex."
"Like there's any other way?"
"Well, when you take a two year honeymoon..."
She laughed.
"So how was I?"
She paused.
"Honestly?"
"Yeah."
"You were alright. You could be better."
"How?"
Eileen watched me for a moment. "If you promise not to get any wrong ideas, I'll show you how to improve." She grinned naughtily, and I realized that she was most definitely the person I wanted to marry.
"Now?"
"Well, no, not now."
"Tonight?"
"Geez, what's the rush?"
"I'm horny."
She laughed.
"Just kissing."
"I know."
She turned to Hillary. "We'll be back soon." And then we went outside together.
§
I kissed Eileen again, but this time Eileen didn't pull away. Sierra was upset again, and left with Dave. I didn't bother watching them go. I was kissing. Eventually I broke off. Eileen looked at me, stunned. "Dude. You're the best kisser I've ever seen."
"Seen or tasted?"
She giggled. Still nervous. "Look, I don't want to give you any wrong ideas. I mean, that was great, but I'm not interested in you... like that."
"But do you want to change 32 to 30?"
She grinned.
"Yeah."
I went and sat down by Kari. She was talking to someone else, but ended the conversation prematurely to turn to me. "So, you and Eileen, huh?"
"Nah. We're just friends." She looked at me oddly. "Well, we're good friends."
"Is that how you treat all your friends?"
"Think I should?" She blushed. "You're jealous, aren't you?"
She turned away. "No."
I laughed. "Liar."
She giggled. "Well, alright, maybe a little."
"I'll bet."
I sighed. Tonight, by all means, shouldn't have been a bad night. But Sierra had still left with Dave, and that unnerved me. Eileen thought I was a great kisser and Kari wanted me to kiss her again (or did she think it would be the first time?), but Sierra was away with Dave. And that pissed me off so much more than it had any right to.
§
Hillary was a good kisser. But by the time I kissed the birthday girl I'd kissed every girl in the room but Sierra. How ironic.
Sierra, on the other hand, never left with anyone but Dave.
§
"So all I have to do is make it end right, then?"
"I guess." Kari looked down the table at the others. "But I really doubt we'll be having this conversation tomorrow night."
"Of course not. When I see you tomorrow, we'll be talking about something completely different."
"Tomorrow? What's tomorrow?" I didn't answer. "Andrew, are you asking me out on a date?" I wasn't. But she wouldn't know that tomorrow, and her answer interested me. "Well, the answer's yes."
I grinned.
"So, tell me, what's your perfect date?"
She watched me a moment. "Honestly?"
"If you don't share, it won't happen."
"Well, I want the man to look good when he picks me up. And then we'd go out for dinner, nothing nearly as nice as this but nice nonetheless, and go see a movie or something. And then we'd head out to the park, lie down on a hill, and watch the stars while we talk. Cuddle." She paused. "Kiss."
"I think that would be a good ending."
"Who said anything about the end?"
§
I knew that it wasn't a good ending when I did it, but I also knew that it would be an incredible stress reliever. When I pummeled Dave and he hardly got the chance to take a swing at me, I discovered that it was a confidence booster, too.
He left earlier. Sierra went to help him.
§
I knew how to make it right. If Sierra had given up on me because I hadn't kissed her, I'd just have to kiss her. She didn't look at me much, but when she got up with Dave and announced they were going to get gum, I rose. "Wait, Sierra, one second." I pulled her over to a corner of the restaurant.
"Andrew, what is it?" she said, angrily.
"Are you really going just to get gum?"
"Yeah, why...?"
I reached into my pocket and pulled out a pack of gum. Spearmint.
She was silent. Then: "Wrong flavor." And she turned to leave.
She was leaving, I'd missed my chance again. I called: "What flavor do you like?"
§
So I brought peppermint.
"Andrew, I'm still leaving."
"Fine." Before she could, though, I placed my hands around her neck and kissed her, like the pro Eileen taught me to be. What a good ending.
§
I woke up, looked at my cereal, and groaned. By the time I arrived back at the party, I remembered how Sierra had slapped me and left with Dave. Still. So I'd have to try again.
"I can't believe how beautiful you are," I muttered under my breath, but loud enough for her to hear. "I mean, my God, you're gorgeous."
"Shut up."
I frowned.
"Smart, too. Every time I see you, you find a new way to treat me like shit."
She turned, and the friend in her came out. She gasped and looked at me, worried. "Wait, what do you mean?"
"Screw it," I muttered, and I turned so rapidly I spilled a glass. I saw Dave coming over, worried, and I heard him sitting down by Sierra and trying to comfort her. She seemed to get over it quickly. I sat down beside Kari.
"You okay?" she asked.
I looked at her. Now she was attractive. A body that makes you the most popular person in school without a stupid brain or a spiteful personality. She smiled weakly, and even her fake smile was make me feel better.
I realized that I hadn't been attracted to her when I first came to the party.
Nor the second time.
Nor the third.
But by now, I was head over heels for her. And just too obsessed with Sierra and Dave to realize it. I smiled. "I am now."
She grinned again, but this time it was for real. "Good."
"Want to get out of here?" I asked.
She looked at me happily, and I held out my hand. She placed her hand in mine, and we rose together, left the restaurant, and went out to sit on the grass beside the restaurant, in plain view of our friends who were still dining. The sun was going out and the moon had begun to come up amid the twilight pastels, and Kari rested her head on my chest and her hand sliding up under my shirt devilishly.
She hadn't gotten a chance to write on my shirt, and I doubted she would that night. But I knew it would still be 'Kari 3's Andrew' and 'Got Love?' is she had, and that she might even have meant it. Probably.
"I'd like to see you tomorrow," I said, twirling the hem of her shirt between my fingers.
She giggled. "That's be cool."
"We can go out to eat, if you'd like, maybe see a movie. And afterwards, there's this neat little spot in the park that I'd love to show you. I've never been there at night, with the stars, but I'd like to."
She cuddled closer, and I felt one of her legs lifting over mine, nuzzling her thigh into my crotch.
"That'd be perfect."
I looked into her eyes, and the look she gave me back was a perfect mix of loving and lusting. I leaned in and kissed her, and she happily returned the kiss. I hardly noticed when Sierra and Dave left holding hands, Sierra looking angry.
It was a good night.
§
I woke up with a smile. Things had finally gone my way. I had slept in like always, but now it was a new day. I walked down the steps in my boxers, took out the cereal, and peeled away the post-it note. I remembered putting it on the box the night before: 'Kari at 5:00. Dinner, movies, and the park.'
But that's not what it said.
It said: 'Hillary's surprise party. 6:00.'
Shit.
No, no, no, no, no! That's not right, it's impossible, yesterday had been perfect, there had been nothing wrong. I was over her, and I was under Kari. And I loved it. Why the Hell was it still Hillary's birthday? She must be sixty by now!
I didn't go to the restaurant. I skipped out and went to the park, found a spot I would have taken Kari, and then went to bed. I assume Sierra and Dave still left together. I assume Kari missed me. And I assume that I'm stuck in this day forever.
§
Hillary's party again.
And I felt miserable.
Why not share the favor?
"Psst. Hey, Dave, is it?"
Dave turned to me and nodded. "Yeah, what's up?"
"Did you hear Larry Flynt is running for governor?"
"Yeah, I did. The world is going to the dogs."
I howled in laughter. Dave thought he'd made a funny. Ah, so naïve.
"Do you know everyone hear?"
He shook his head. "Just Hillary. And Rick and Louis, kinda. But I just met them."
"Alright, I'll tell you everyone's names. That's Eileen, she's real cool. We're gettin' married. That, over there, is Laura. She's a riot, you'd probably like her a lot. And there's Kari. I'm thinking maybe I should ask her out. Think we'd make a good couple?"
"Does she like you?"
"I think so."
"Then why not?" He lifted his glass.
"To me and her, then." I toasted us.
"How about her, though?" Dave asked, motioning toward Sierra.
"Why?"
"Cause she's hot. I would kill to get in bed with her."
"Dude, feelings do have to be mutual, ya know." He didn't seem unnerved. I grimaced. "Anyway, don't get near her."
"Why? What's wrong with her?"
"She's obsessive and clingy. You'd never get along."
A few hours later, while I was lying with Kari, I saw them leave together.
§
"Her father's a policeman who prohibits any male contact at all. He'll kill you."
§
"AIDS, man."
§
"Dammit, who cares? Just don't!"
§
"Lesbian."
§
I gave up eventually and spent another night with Kari. I found out her grandmother was ill, though I'm not sure why she hadn't told me earlier. And that she just wanted a single good day.
"Me, too," I said.
"Join the club," Sierra said from across the table. Then she realized she was talking to me, and turned away hastily.
I'd had lots of good days recently, actually. And then it hit me. Maybe this was someone else's nightmare. Maybe I wasn't supposed to know that I was repeating the same day every day. Or maybe I needed to make somebody else's day worthwhile.
So I did.
§
I gave homeless people meals. I saved a choking man. I learned where all the accidents happened and I stopped them. And every day I woke up to do it again. I started missing Kari quickly. Maybe I gave up on the helping people bit too early, but I decided I had to go the party to see her.
So I did. And I let Sierra do whatever she wanted without my interference. In the end, she sat down next to me and began to chat. "Enjoying yourself?"
"A bit," I said.
"Good."
"How about you?"
"The party isn't exactly spectacular, but I've had worse."
And things were still awkward. But we got over it.
"I'm sorry I screwed things up," I said eventually. "Just want to make it clear that you're incredibly attractive. And I would have kissed you if I'd seen you more than once."
"You did see me more than once."
"Fine. More than twice."
She smiled.
"For a while, I thought you hadn't been attracted to me. That no one was."
I laughed. "And for a while, I thought you were smart."
She widened her mouth into a large O and hit me.
Really, really hard.
But things were better.
We talked for a while, and then Kari and I went outside. We were making out in a tree when Dave walked beneath us. Alone. I looked toward Sierra's car, and saw that she was getting in it alone.
I'm not quite sure what happened after I left. But Sierra wasn't interested in Dave, and he went away. I never saw him again. If you can't tell, I never relived that day again.
I woke up in the morning, pulled a post-it off my cereal, and waited for 5:00 to come by. Then I went out to dinner with Kari, we went to the movies, and we fell in love in the park.
I never knew that every night Sierra left with Dave, she entered into a relationship that would eventually end with her rape, his murder, and a flashing camera as she lies behind the police tape at a parking garage. That night she'd realized how attractive she really was, and that she could wait a bit before jumping the first guy to wink at her, she'd done the right thing. I just helped her see that. And I never knew that Dave tried to rape another girl on the street that night right in front of an undercover detective.
All I knew was that I had Kari, and as many days as I wanted with her.