In the Mind of a Man: Written at the Spur of the Moment

So I sat on the couch, comfortably slouching with my legs spread and my feet propped up on top of the coffee table. I thought it would be a pretty neat idea to try one of those coke holders on either side of the head, but I got bored with trying to figure it out and just ended up setting the pop on the arm of the sofa, you know; right next to my hand, so it was just as nice.

I was watching the game; Steelers against the Cavs! I was all for the Cavs - Steelers F***ING SUCK! So my woman doesn't understand the point of the game. She thinks it's stupid and pointless and violent or something. Well, if she was trying to make a point with how dumb the game is, why did she mention violence at all, I wonder!? Violence is what I live for, baby - to see one seven foot man crush another seven foot man while tackling him to the ground? That's what the game is all about! It's such a thrill to see them get beat and hear the satisfying "oof" as they crunch. Said like a man. All right.

So she walks in the room and starts yelling at me to take my feet off the damn table and turn the game down, right as the Cavs score! So I snapped at her, I shouted; "You think you so great, let's see you play the game! You ain't got nuthin' to say, now, 'cause you think it's stupid!" Of course she replied with the comeback; "You just said a double negative, who's stupid now, blah blah blah?" I don't think that proves anything. I still think she's stupid.

"Clean up that pop," said she, indicating the soda that spilled when I sat up.

"You clean it up, you made it tip," I replied. So she rolls her eyes at me as if I'm so f***ing hopeless! I was innocent until that raving bitch came into the room yelling at me to "sit straight" and "take my feet off the table" and "turn the game down" and "correct my grammar"... well, while I'm at it, I might as well buy a collar and hook myself up outside so I can wait for you to come when you want me to!

So we get into this fight and she just bursts into tears, whining to me how I hate her, how all she wants is for me to be a good boyfriend, and she was trying to help me, blah blah blah! B.S.! I was perfectly fine! So I tell her to shut up and - whoosh - she spins on me, asking if her suffering doesn't affect me at all! Well of course it affects me; it annoys the hell out of me! So I storm from the room all angry-like and go to my bedroom, where I have a TV. I switch on the game while sitting on my bed and I soon forget everything we were fighting about. The Cavs are losing, 33 to 56.

A few minutes later, she comes in and she's like: "You've been punished enough," and forgives me or something. Okay then, whatever floats your boat, chick, but I haven't been dwelling on that stupid fight like you have! I want her to shut up so I can continue watching the game, so I tell her I'm sorry and that I love her so she'll go away. She gives me a hug and leaves the room. It all works out nicely. The Cavs lost 35 to f***ing 79.

The next day, I'm playing video games and chilling or something when my girl calls me up on the phone. She tells me she loves me and that she misses me while I'm trying not to listen to her over the games, which are very loud. I tell her quickly that I love her too, but that I am with the guys and am in the middle of a video game. She tells me I'm an arsehole and that I could play video games at any time, but I could only talk to her now. Would she let me have guy time for once! So I tell her I have to go and she answered with; "Fine, I guess the game means more to you than our relationship," and she hangs up. So I think for a moment: What just happened?

I decided not to dwell on it but instead go back to Halo. That is such an awesome game. The whole point of it is to take the other team's flag and kill as many enemies as possible. It can get pretty graphic; it's great. I also like Grand Theft Auto III. There are naked chicks in it! Dude! If only my girl looked like one of them, even if they are just CGI characters. I wonder if I should ask her to exercise. That's nice, and would give her the hint that she should get into shape.

So the next day, I told the idea to my girl. She was pissed at me even before I said anything (and I had no clue why), and afterwards, she was one angry mad ball of fire. Seriously! The instant the words sprang from my mouth, she was bitching about me thinking she was fat or something, and I assured her that she wasn't, and then she accused me of lying, which made me mad, which made her insane. She started crying again, and told me to go away, so I went to the skate park and discussed how f***ing dumb reality shows are. I forgot the problem with my girlfriend, which I still can't figure out the reason for. I think it's just because she's a bitch and is stupid and talks too much.

So there seems to be a lot of anger/f's and cockiness in this, but I am merely trying to capture the essence of average guyness. The piece above is in no way how I think of anyone/anything except for average guys and is not how I talk. Like - ever.

Although I am female I know darn well how to write a (common) man! It's the easiest thing in the world. Just think of a woman and take away reasoning and intelligence and in its place put violence and lack of thought(fulness).

PS: See the random switching of third person perspectives? Isn't it horrid? Just how a guy might write it.

PPS: Any above-average male should not be offended by this because it does not apply to them.