Attack of the Combs
Sermont: Welcome back to GOTU Bachelor, episode two. I'm your (very) friendly and handsome host, Sermont, reminding you that up next is As Tahara Turns, the highly successful soap opera. Now that I'm done shamelessly plugging, back to the bachelor. Last week we met our bachelor and his four prospective mates, all of them lovely and charming. (cut to shot of "Aycaliana") Well, maybe not all of them. Tonight we'll watch as Xantos takes all of them out on a unique and special date. Then, at the end, he must send two of the ladies away. Such a shame.
Xantos: (nods his head in sloemn agreement, then spoils the effect by winking and "trying" to look sexy)
Sermont: Xantos? Are you okay? You look a little constipated.
Xantos: I'm fine.
Sermont: first date he shall have is with Kirona. (sidles up to Xantos and hisses menacingly) If you try anything on her I'll have to bust your head, you puny watermage.
Xantos: (smiles nervously) Right. Gotcha. (takes Kirona's arm) Shall we off? (laughs nervously)
Kirona: So where are we going? Not to a beach, I hope.
Xantos: (huffs) I am NOT going to take you to a beach! (it is obvious that he was)
Kirona: Oh good. It's so boring there. Let's go there! (points to a shop with a brigh neon sign advertising sharp pointy objects)
Xantos: (gulps) , I guess.
(show various shots of Kirona holding knives and stroking them)
Kirona: My Preciousss.
Xantos: (looks scared)
Sermont: After a magical night, Xantos quickly brought Kirona back to the mansion. (off to the side) He seemed like he wanted to get rid of her.
Xantos: Darn right! All night she was stroking sharp, pointy objects and threatening me me with them whenever I suggested we eat.
Kirona: Which was about every five minutes!
Xantos: So? I was hungry!
Kirona: You're always hungry!
Xantos: I am NOT!
Kirona: Are too!
Xantos: Am NOT!
Everyone: ARE TOO!
Sermont: Please excuse us for a short commercial break while we beat up the bachelor.
Xantos: But I'm hun- (cut to commercial)
Voice of Aycan: I challenge you to a duel!
Xantos: Not with that equipment.
VoA: You're right, it is pretty small isn't it. Not like yours. How do you keep it in such good shape?
VoX: Frequent use, my ill-advised friend, frequent use.
Xantos: (steps onto screen) At Don Juan's, we offer a bgger selection of everything you could ever big to small. We also have a huge selection of accessories and practice dummies. So shop Don Juan's for everything your most important asset requires. (show logo of crossed swords)
Sermont: Welcome back to GOTU Bachelor. Was there anyone else who was a bit confused about what that commercial was advertising? Oh well. Anyway, now that we have averted the Kirona/Xantos crisis, our bachelor is ready to take out the second bachelorette, Aliasa.
Xantos: (once again "attempts" a sexy smile and fails miserably)
Aliasa: Xantos? Are you okay? You look a bit constipated.
Xantos: I am NOT constipated!
Sermont: That's what you said before.
Aliasa: Can we go?
Xantos: Sure, where to?
Aliasa: Anywhere but the beach.
Xantos: (looks going to go there) Fine. How about the-
Aliasa: (interrupts) I'd love to! I love the ballet!
Xantos: Or we could go-
Aliasa: (interrupts again) Ballet! The nutcracker is showing! Let's go!
Xantos: (mutters) Great. Ballet.
(show shots of Aliasa clapping and looking enraptured while Xantos snores)
Sermont: Fascinating. He hasn't even made a move yet. Let's just fast forward this to the third date. Maybe that's more interesting.
Xantos: Erk. I feel sick.
Sermont: .cuz being fast-forwarded in real time will do that to a person.
Xantos: I. Am. Not. Constipated!
Xantos. Good. Let's just get it on.
Sermont: (wiggles eyebrow) who?
Xantos: (oblivious to the fact that he just said something stupid) With Myila, of 't this date with her?
Sermont: (cracks up) Well.(laugh).if you.(laugh).really want to.(keels over laughing)
Xantos: Come on 're going to the beach.
Myila: (smiles brilliantly and sticks tongue out at Aliasa) Okay! This will be so much FUN!
Xantos: (glares at Aliasa and Kirona) I'm glad SOMEONE thinks so.
(show shots of Xantos and Myila walking along the beach, hand in hand, gazing at the sunset, Myila sitting on Xantos's lap-)
Aliasa: I HATE YOU! (grabs film and begins to rip it up and jump on it) IhateyouIhateyouIhateyou! (screams in rage)
Sermont: WAS now for the final date. Xantos and ugly people can make SUCH a cute couple. Here they come now.
Xantos: (looks at "Aycaliana") Did he just call us ugly?
Aycaliana: (Aycan in drag - wearing a bizzarre leather bustiere - v. Janet Jackson-like) I think he did.
Xantos: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Xantos and Aycaliana: (scream) LET'S GET HIM! (rush towards Sermont and begin beating him up)
Song: Well, since Aycaliana and Xantos put Sermont in traction, the network asked me to be a guest host. I obviously accepted. Well, it's time for the dagger ceremony. But first Xantos must watch clips of the contestants.
Kirona: I had such a good time threatening your life. Maybe I should do it more often.
Aliasa: I really enjoyed our date. It's not often I find someone so willing to just be silent and appreciate dance. Pick me and not that slut Myila.
Myila: Last night was so magical - I could spend the rest of my life with you. So pick me, not that whore Aliasa.
Aycaliana: Two words hon.(nearly chokes while saying hon).Noses crunch! (busts up laughing, then sobers) I really felt a connection with you.(busts up again)
Xantos: This'll be hard.
Song: So have you chosen?
Xantos: Yes. (walks down a heck of a lot of stairs and once again smiles sexily, not succeeding)
Kirona: Xantos? Are you okay?
Song: You look a little constipated.
Xantos: (loses it) I AM NOT CONSTIPATED! I'M SMILING SEXILY! GOT IT?! SMILING SEXILY!
Song: (sarcastically) Right.
Xantos: (walks to pedastal thingy with two daggers on them and holds them up threateningly, still breathing hard)
Song: Shutting up.
Xantos: Good. Anyway, ladies.(Aycan looks murderous, then remembers he's supposed to be a girl).I've made my final descisions. Aycaliana? Will you accept this dagger?
Aycaliana: (looks tempted to kill Xantos right then, but restrains himself) Of course. (laughs in what he thinks is a girlish giggle, sounds more like a dying cow)
Xantos: (takes a deep breath) My second choice is.
Aliasa and Myila: YES!
Aliasa: He's picking ME.
Myila: No way! He's picking ME!
Aliasa: (eyes turn red) He's picking ME!
Myila: (eyes turn yellow) No, he's picking ME!
Aliasa: (pulls sharp pointy combs out of hair) He's picking ME!
Myila: (does likewise) No, ME!
(they begin to attack each other with the combs)
. Will you accept this dagger?
Sermont: (in traction, furious) WHAT?!
Xantos: Kirona? Will you?
Kirona: (spots dagger, grabs it) .YES! (begins to stroke dagger) My preciousss.
Song: Well that was unexpected.
Sermont: (in traction) And the understatement of the year award goes to.
Song: Join us next week for the finale of GOTU bachelor.
Sermont: (still in traction) In which Xantos had BETTER not pick Kirona!
Kirona: No kidding.
Aycaliana: (doesn't realize the camera's on her/him) Mwa ha ha ha.