GOTU Bachelor Episode Three: All Scaro Breaks Loose

Sermont: (no longer in traction, still is unrecognisable due to numerous bandages) Welcome back once again to GOTU Bachelor, and I'm your no longer quite as handsome host, Sermont. (shakes fist at smug Xantos) This is our final episode, in which our undeserving bachelor will meet the families of both remaining women, and then propose to one unfortunate young lady live on national television. And if he picks Kirona.

(Song bumps him out of the way with her hip)

Song: (cheerfully) .then they'll live happily ever after, and have seven kids, cuz that's my favorite number!

(Sermont, Kirona and Xantos all look as if they will be sick)

Song: Now you're ALL constipated? How did that happen?

Sermont, Kirona and Xantos: WE ARE NOT CONSTIPATED!

Song: Fine then. Anyway, I'm going to play the clips of Xantos's meeting with Kirona's parents first. This should be interesting.

Sermont: That's MY job!

Song: Not anymore, it isn't, Mr. I-got-beat-up-by-Xantos-and-a-girl. Roll Film!

(Show shots of Xantos and Kirona walking up a large driveway, entering a large house, being hugged by large dragons, etc.)

Xantos: Well, this is a nice house you have here, Mr and Mrs Kirona.

Mrs Kirona: It is a pleasure to have you here. (smiles disconcertingly, showing large, pointy teeth)

(Xantos smiles back, somewhat nervously. He and Kirona walk into the house. The walls are adorned by countless numbers of sharp, shiny, pointy objects, glinting in the candlelit diningroom. They sit down to eat, conversation is strained.)

Xantos: (attempting conversation) This is very .beef?

Mr. Kirona: Oh, this isn't beef, son, this is our specially domestically raised bunny rabbit.

Xantos: Bunny Rabbit? As in Peter Cottontail? As in the Easter Bunny? AS IN LITTLE BUNNY FOO FOO?

Mrs Kirona: Why yes, have you never eaten hosenpfepher? \

Xantos: (looks green) No.

(Cut to clip of Mrs Kirona talking about Xantos)

Mrs Kirona: He seemed like a nice boy, but I just can't see him as Kirona's type. She likes the more aggressive boys, not to mention the ones of her own species.

(Cut to clip of Mr Kirona)

Mr Kirona: You want the truth? At dinner all I could think of was feeding him to our domestic rabbits. He seemed a bit chicken, and they like poultry.

(Show clip of giant blue floating rabbits terrorising poultry. Cut to clip of Kirona talking about the evening)

Kirona: I honestly think it went well. My dad fed the last boy I brought home to our domestic rabbits. Something about the poor boy being chicken.

(Cut to clip of Xantos)

Xantos: I am never going back there ever again. I could tell that they wanted to sacrifice Mr and Mrs BunBun. (holds up fluffy pink bunny slippers) (talks to bunny slippers) But we wouldn't let them kill you, would we BunBuns? (kisses bunnies, then realises they're still taping) Heh. Wouldn't want their feelings to get hurt, now would we?

(Cut back to live footage, Kirona, Xantos, Song, Sermont and Aycaliana are playing poker)

Aycaliana: I'm in for fifty.

Song: Fifty? I'm out.

Xantos: (looks at cards and grins) Count me in!

Kirona: Nice poker face, shrimp.

Song: Uh, guys? Hate to bust your party, but we're back on.

Aycaliana: Oh, curses! Curse you and you and you! (stomps around, flailing skirts and revealing hairy legs. Others pretend not to notice) Sermont: Well, then, let's get back to the show. Well, that certainly was interesting, was it not? I'd bet that Xantos has never been threatened with consumption by domestic bunnies before, have you.

Xantos: Not really, but almost as gross was the time when Aliasa threatened to dunk me in honey when I was naked and then convince Aycan that it was her so she could get him lick it off me, but.

Everyone Else: (Nearly puke. Aycaliana does) EEEEWWWWW!

Xantos: No kidding!

Sermont: (green, as usual) Maybe now would be a good time to cut to a commercial.

(Cut to commercial)

Aliasa: I was having some trouble getting guys to notice me, but then I discovered Sassy Lassie.

Myila: Sassy Lassie changed my love life forever! Their sexy lingerie revived the verve in my relationship, and now it's more romantic than ever!

Aliasa: Oh yeah? Who's YOUR boyfriend? Because it sure as heck isn't Xantos!

Myila: What if it is?

Aliasa: (coldly) But it isn't.

Myila: (wilts) No. I don't have a relationship. I just like the way the undies look on me.

Aliasa: I know! Er.I are pathetic.

Cameraman: Weirdos. (turns off camera)

Song: Fascinating. Oh, and just so y'all know, Xantos won the poker game. He beat Aycaliana's four of a kind with a royal flush. What he's going to do with all of that money? I don't know.

Sermont: Anyway, it's time to have a visit with Aycaliana's parents.

(Cut to shots of Xantos and Aycaliana walking across a drawbridge over a moat filled with gigantic crocodiles. They enter a huge fortress, black, of course and are led by a very familiar looking snake to a large dining room with a long imposing table)

Aycaliana: Welcome to my humble home, my parents will be in in just a moment.

(two rather scared people hustle out of the shadows and begin setting the table)

Xantos: Hello. Are you Aycaliana's parents?

Scared Man: Um, yes, we are, actually, right dear?

Scared Woman: Of course, at least, as far as I remember, right pookie?

Aycaliana: Of course you are, you silly nervous lackeys! What's for dinner?

Scared Woman: Snake, as usual.

Aycaliana: Oh goodie!

Xantos: (looks repulsed) Yay.

(Clip of Mr Aycaliana talking)

Mr Aycaliana: She seemed very nice, I guess. I don't know what has gotten into our son lately. Dressing like a girl and all. I just don't understand. And the name change? I just can't help wondering if he's a lesbian.

(Cut to clip of Mrs Aycaliana)

Mrs Aycaliana: I've been waiting for him to bring a nice girl home for ages, and here he brings a boy! I suppose he's gay. That explains the dress and all. Or maybe he's always been a girl, and we just haven't noticed.

(Cut to clip of Aycaliana)

Aycaliana: Sorry about my parents. They've lost their minds and all. (laughs nervously) And that whole thing about being gay? Not true. Not true at all. (laughs nervously)

(Cut to clip of Xantos)

Xantos: That was exceedingly weird. I don't know that I'd ever go there again either. They just kept sighing and looking at Aycaliana as if there was something weird about her. Sure, she's a bit masculine, but she must have been that way for a long time, right?

(Cut back to live footage)

Sermont: Well that was

Song: (mocking) Interesting, was it not? Honestly, you say that every time!

Sermont: I do not!

Song: Yes you do!

Xantos: Um, can we get on with this? I have to be somewhere in an hour!

Sermont and Song: Yeah. Fine.

Xantos: Well then, I pick -

Sermont: You can't do that YET!

Xantos: Why not?

Sermont: Becase I said so and I'm the host.

Xantos: Fine.

Sermont: Before our incredibly impatient bachelor picks his bride, he will watch the two ladies express their wishes.

Kirona: Xantos, you know how I feel about you. The moment I saw you, I knew that we were meant to be. I love you with - Hey! Whoever wrote this script is going down! Alright! Where are they?!

Aycaliana: (looks greener and greener with every word) Xantos. Even the sound of your name is kingly. I love every word that comes out of your mouth. I just hope you have the intelligence to realise that we were supposed to be together for all time.

Sermont: Ew. Girls are so mushy. Anyway, here's our bachelor, and he's ready to pick a bride.

Xantos: W-wait. You said I didn't actually have to marry this person, right?

Sermont: Yeah, but they (shakes head at camera) weren't supposed to know that, capeesh?

Xantos: Oh. Right. So this is the part where I smile sexily?

Song: Go for it, baby!

Xantos: (smiles sexily, succeeds, winks at camera) I've been practicing. (Turns to girls) Kirona. Aycaliana. Every day with you two has been .wonderful. I will miss one of you terribly, but I have made a decision as to who will be given my gift of affection.

Kirona: Is it a dagger again?

Xantos: No. It's better. So, I'm sorry, Kirona, but Aycaliana, will you accept these bunny slippers? (pulls out pink fluffy bunny slippers) These are the matches to Mr and Mrs BunBun!

Aycaliana: (recoils in horror) NO! GET THOSE SPAWNS OF THE DEVIL AWAY FROM ME! (tries to run, trips over skirts and accidentally rips them off. His identity as a male is exposed.)

Everyone: (gasps) AYCAN!

Song: I didn't know evil villains wore heart bikinis.

Aycan: Don't you like them? I got them at Sassy Lassie! (clears throat, tries to act cool, doesn't succeed, continues) Ha! I had you all fooled! I almost got away with it too, were it not for those cursed BUNNY SLIPPERS! I would have taken over this television station, and so leading up to Tahara, Scaro AND THE UNKNOWN! (collapses in evil villain sobs of terror, is taken away to a mental hospital, where he escapes, off to do the world no good)

Song: Well that certainly was interesting, was it not?

Sermont: Hah! Now you're doing it too!

Kirona: Heh. Commere you, and kiss me. I need a real man after spending weeks with this little twerp. (grabs Sermont and begins kissing him)

Xantos: So go out sometime? I AM single, you know.