Yesterday I walked down the block of my neighborhood, looking everywhere; the trees, how old and crippled it looked. No leaves were left on it. It looked so lonely. It had no companions, nothing. Forever alone.
I felt a connection with that tree. It looked just like me, if you take away my mask. Lonely. Empty. All my emotions were buried deep, deep under a thick ice that froze it.
Flowers bloomed on the side of a house. There were so many, sitting there together ...like a family. Oh, that brought tears to my eyes all right. But you know me, cold, and strong. I held them back.
A bird's chirp filled the air with happiness for which I will never touch. Once I felt it, back when I was gullible, and innocent. Now I know the truth. I know what life is. So when I saw the bird, chirping happily, I looked at it, my stare full of envy. How happy it was, how sad I was. With a deep sigh, I walked on passing a homeless man sitting in front of the supermarket.
He gazed at me with the look I've seen everyday in the morning, in the mirror. Loneliness and fatigue. Pain and confusion. He wore a ragged dirty shirt for which he must have been wearing since he became homeless, which had to be before I came to Earth - more than thirteen years ago. Because, you see , I am thirteen, soon to be fourteen. I had always looked forward to becoming older. But now, I wish I was never even born into this world.
This harsh, crazy, and painful world was created by us. When I was a child I lived in a world of illusions. Paradise, as I saw in the past. And then, as I grew older, harsh reality hit my vision and here I am living in it.
Anyway when I saw that homeless man , pity stopped me and made me give him a few quarters. He looked at me thankfully and nodded. I smiled a little, then looked forward and started walking. I only got to walk a few steps when I suddenly felt something grab my wrist.
Alarmed I looked down at my wrist and saw a dirty hand tug at it. My eyes followed up to find the owner of this dirty hand. It belonged to the homeless I gave two quarters to. I started to frown and tugged at my wrist. When I did, the dirty hands at my wrist clamped down tighter. I was about to cry out in pain but held myself back. My eyes started to sting.
The cut that I slashed across my arm a few days ago haven't fully healed yet.
"P- p-please let go..." I said looking up at this homeless man. His eyes were honey brown in the middle, encircling that was a green colored ring, and soon my vision was blurring. I held onto them as tight as I could. No one ever saw me cry before. Well, as a child maybe. but no one had ever since. And now crying in front of a stranger.? Needless to say a homeless man? Was I CRAZY or what?
He didn't move or anything. Just kept on looking at me. My heart started to thump, faster and faster. Soon everything was a blur and I couldn't breathe. Just when a tear was about to fall down, I felt the grip on my wrist disappear. As soon as it did, my vision cleared again and I was back to normal. I was in control again. The homeless man had walked back to his sitting spot in front of the supermarket, but still looking at me, shaking his head. He knew.
I started to run and run, all the way back home where I ran to my room and slammed the door behind me. There, I flung myself to my bed and buried my face into my pillow where I let it all out; all the tears.
Just when all the tears that I've held back throughout that whole walk were out, the door to my room blasted open. My face flew out of my pillow and I looked up.
"Wipe those tears away young lady! You think I take pity on you when you cry?! No way young lady! I'm sure you saw your test scores too! All Average?! Only one above average...which is spelling?! Young lady! YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE! Now GET YOUR BUTT OFF THE BED, I'm sending you to tutoring! Oh god. why can't you be more like your sister? Or, your brother? Both smart, and make me proud.. you.. you disappoint me and your father... GO wipe your tears away now, I'm sending you to tutoring!" my mom walked out slamming the door behind her.
As soon as she was out the door, I started to shake and I couldn't stop. Tutoring? ... Disappointment?... the words kept on echoing in my head. Soon fresh tears came sliding down my cheeks. 'What was wrong with me?!' I asked myself.
BEEP! BEEP! I heard from outside. "Oh god..." I whispered. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Then with all the little strength I had left, I slowly got out of my bed and wiped all the tears away from my face. I slowly walked out of my room and out of the house towards my mom's car.
I quickly got into the car and she quickly zoomed away. There was silence throughout the whole ride to my "tutoring" place.
The tutoring place was a small and stuffy place. It looked like a cage, for which I am to be kept locked in forever. The walls were painted white with no other color. It was so plain and it made me gulp.
My tutor was an old looking guy with huge glasses that sat on top of his nose. His hair was falling, so there was a bald spot on his head. I kind of felt sorry for him. When my mom left me with him and a few other people attending this tutoring place, I felt lonelier than ever. This old guy started to teach. I was sooo bored. And I had NO idea what he was talking about. It was all yadda yadda in my ears...at last he was finished, and he told us to have a break.
I was so relieved when I heard that. As soon as he said that I immediately jumped off my chair and ran out of that place, never looking back. I kept on running and running and running until I could no more. I felt so free then. All my pain was forgotten. Everything. that was until I suddenly saw the homeless man sitting across from the supermarket on a bench in the park. He was looking at me as if he was expecting me.
Remembering the incident yesterday... how he held onto my wrist so hard and how it had hurt me because of the cuts. Memories suddenly flew toward me; how my mom always told me, she'd rather raise a dog than me... I was a mistake, how I was a disappointment,.. how my dad looked at me when he saw my grades, but said nothing... how my sister'd be embarrassed whenever I was around her... how my brother would laugh at my piano talents and showoff his, which was way better.
And then I started to cry. Hard. Right in the middle of the park, right in front of that homeless. I fell to my knees and covered my face with my hands. Sobbing, the tears came down. I felt a hand on my shoulders, and saw the homeless looking down at me with sympathy.
Now disgusted, seeing how I was self-pitying myself, I started to run, and run and run. The tears were still falling down from my eyes. Disappointment.. mistake... embarassment..all these words rang in my head. I suddenly found myself running across the street, and the streetlight suddenly turned red. And then I saw cars suddenly coming toward me. I started to smile, as I saw death smiling back at me.
Suddenly I felt a force push me back onto the sidewalk. My knees scraped the ground hard. My head hit my hand. With not much energy, I turned around to see the homeless man get crashed by a car." No .. no.. no.. " I thought. And then I fainted.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
When I woke up again I found myself on a bed, with this machine beeping next to me. 'Where am I?' I asked myself in my head. Just then a nurse came in. When she saw me, she smiled.
"Hello there," she said warmly.
"Where am I?" I managed to croak out.
"Why dear, you're in the hospital of course.." she said as she put a tray in front of me. On it was a glass of milk, with toast on a plate.
"Why?" I asked.
"You were on the floor, bleeding..thank god you didn't bleed to death.. you could've died.." Memories came rushing back to me. The car..the homeless man.. the sidewalk...
" What happened...to the homeless man?" I whispered neared to tears.
"Him.. oh, he's in another room.. he suffered bad.. the doctors say he might die.. but anyway... that's none of your concern.. you go eat your breakfast now darling.. I'll check on you later.." she smiled.
"What room is he in..?" I asked.
"Room? You want to visit him?" I nodded. " Oh no..you can't , your leg is still weak. You cannot go.."
" But... " I bit my lower lip knowing that however much I say she would never let me go. "I won't go..but can you just tell me which room?" I asked hopefully. She looked at me closely, while I put on my poker face. She sighed, a loud one then said,
" It's room 32, right next to you... " then she left.
When she was gone, I looked down at my food. Sometime while she was talking to me I had already lost my appetite so I took the tray and placed it on the mini table that sat next to me. Then I put aside the blanket on top of me and quickly slid my legs off of the bed.
Then I stood up. Right when I put my weight on those legs, I felt a jolt of pain that flew up my left leg. I cried out and fell back down. I looked down at my left leg to see the blood, and the bruise on it. Biting my lips, I stood up with my right leg and started hopping toward the door. When I arrived at it, I opened it up and first popped my head out of it to see if the coast was clear.
When I saw that it was, I started hopping, closing the door silently behind me. Then hopping towards the door that the nurse had told me. Room 32. She had told the truth. Yep, the door was right next to me. Taking a deep breath, I put my hand on the knob, and twisted it open.
When I peeked my head into it, I saw the homeless man's eyes closed. He was breathing ever so calmly. Smiling a little, I hopped in closing the door behind me without making a sound. Then I hopped toward him, as if knowing, his eyes opened and he looked at me. There was silence between us. And we just stared at each other. Then I couldn't take it anymore, my tears were on the edge of the cliff to fall.
"Why?" I burst out. I knew he couldn't talk, but it was worth trying. He never talked in all his years as a homeless man. He said nothing to no one. People say he was born that way. He couldn't talk, lost his voice as a kid.
Suddenly, I saw his lips moving, and he was whispering something. My eyes widened, and I put my ears to his lips, trying to listen hard at what he was saying.
"What?" I asked.
"Y-y-ou wanted to die.." he whispered softly.
"Yes.." I agreed. "Why did you save me? I hate my life. I'm just a trouble staying here on Earth.."
"No.. " he said suddenly, " W-what about your family..? I-if you were gone, you'd trouble more... Y-you'd be hurting..s-s-so much p- people..."
I looked at him and tears came down freely.
"You don't understand.." I said, "They don't care about me.. I'm a mistake.." I spat out the last word.
" I- I- understand.." he whispered, "My m-m-mom ab-bandoned me when I was little.. s-so I was in an orphanage.. my f-foster parents were harsh t- to me.. so I r-ran away f-rom home.. I-I wanted to die too... but... I k- know that m-m-my mom aa-abandoned me because she knew I'd have a better life with someone else... " he took a long breath. " I- I know how much pain she went through..when she gave birth to me.. "
"But she abandoned you!" I said stubbornly.
"Yes.." he closed his eyes. For a few seconds there was silence, and I thought that he was finished..but then he started to whisper again, " She worked hard bringing me to this world... every mother works hard bringing their kids to this world... I didn't want to b-be a waste... "
" So you live for your mother who abandoned you?"
"N-n-o... not only that..I'm living to save others.. I-I think that's the point of life.. to save others... even at this low status right now..a homeless.." he sighed, " I'm trying..to..save.. people.. b- because... l- life's b-b-beautiful..."
"How can you say that?!" I was outraged.
"I-I-t is... y-you are j-just blind... l-l-like t-t-the others.. a- a- animals are the ones now.. that see it.. they have eyes..and so they use what they can to build a beautiful place.. this world... they know how to live in it... they can see the beauty.. flowers..the trees...sunset..nature... w-we are just... so.. so.." he took a small breath.. and then I could nearly hear his next words.. "blind.." the machine next to him started to beeeeeeeeeeeep and then all became still.