Why does it ache so badly when you won't look my way? Why does it hurt when you won't even talk to me or look into my eyes? I thought I mattered and maybe I did. Once. That was a long time, wasn't it? Once upon a time when I actually existed?

Oh, no, it's not you. It's them. It was always them pulling you away from me. What I had done was simple. A crime, really. I was in the way of your life. They needed you and all I can do was stand by and watch you disappear. I saw you gradually seep through my glances and all I could do was stare. Just be there when you weren't.

You were gone as I stood there but maybe it was the other way around. Maybe I was really gone and lost and you were just simply looking for a way to find me. I can actually picture this but then it only makes me grow more frustrated and alone.

The apology hurts more than the absence. The apology that you can't talk to me. I realize that maybe I can't be there for you anymore. I don't belong in your world where its probably warm now on the other side and the grass is already growing. A place where people can be free to choose their thoughts freely and express themselves. I was merely there like a wisp of the wind and gone. Unimportant to other people but always there to talk to you. To make you laugh or to make you cry. I wanted to be there when things were all wrong and I wanted to be there when everything was fine between us.

Nothing was ever right but in our world we had it all. Our world was just for us and us alone. When someone would barge into it, we would only make a mockery of them. We would laugh and taunt but never to their faces. We always knew better because in our world, we thought of ourselves as better. Selfish thoughts sometimes can be our best memories as we seized the days.

Times cascading wildly and all I want is you back but will I ever have you again? Will I really ever? In your world, I don't even exist. They don't know my name but simply think of me as something else. Something else, God, what happened? It's to protect you, of course, but I don't belong there in your part of the world. I see it in the way those people keep you away from me.

I see it when you're not talking to me.

You tell me not to wait and to go and that you won't be back. You say it in almost jumbles and words that I try to understand. I even try to find an expression of my emotion with literature or artwork but find the lyrics and sonnets broken and incorrect. A dull cry arises from dull resources, they say and I half-believe them sometimes.

I still wait. I wait for the chance for you to look at me and talk. Maybe someday we'll have our perfect world again where it's just us as the rulers. Where mockery and laughs and taunts can be apart of our rules behind the backs of the people and we won't have to care. We won't care because without each other, none of us exists in our places. We won't care because the rest of the world doesn't care about us.

I'll still stand by and wait until you return. Then maybe things will finally be right for the first time.