Dear *,

It's a pity, cos I will always blame you. & You'll always blame me. Even tho it's not really either of our faults. That last time, on that awful, dreadful day. You held me. Like you would never, ever let go. & For once, one precious, unknown moment, I felt safe. Held. Loved. Now that's all gone, drifted away. Why? I can't even know. One glance across a bedroom, one tear, one cut up arm, one razor, one rash, one funeral, one day, one hour, one second, one question. One answer: 'no'. I blame me, on bad days. On good days I know it was neither of us. It was circumstances and it was enough. You're gone. Oh, god, Christ, Jesus, goddess, you're gone. Now you don't hold me in your eyes across a corridor anymore. You don't look when you wave at me.

& I'm not jealous, not exactly. I'm sad, & I'm scared, & you're someone else. You deserve it, you really do, if you want it, I mean, that other, mirror life, without me, it looks like fun, seen through a haze, fun from the other side of telescope. It's a year, now, almost. A day or two, only. It was so near my birthday. You gave me a present. A fake gold joke ring, that left a green mark on my finger & that I loved anyway, forever, I'm sorry. Nearly as old as you were; so much younger than you are; so much older too. So different, it really, truly does change. Those tear drops aren't real. This isn't real, my eyes aren't growing bigger, my hands aren't wobbling; I don't want to bury my head in your chest & sob, not exactly, anyway.

I love you, okay? Don't ever forget that. I'll always love you, those years, those naïve easier years. & Writing this is stupid. It's a letter I'll never send. But I think I'm sorry, whether there's something to be sorry about or not.

Love, okay? Not you friend anymore. Still think I love you. Wish you knew, sometimes. Wish you didn't, all the rest. See you smiling & laughing, random smiles. Goodbye, okay? For now. One day, I'll see you again. On a rock beside sea & seals; or Versailles; or home; or nowhere; heaven & hell. I won't be surprised. See you soon, okay?