Sucker For Love

A Play in One Act

By Megan Auffart

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Author's Note: I believe that love can occur at any time, in any place, whether you want it to or not (but especially when you
don't want it to). I believe that love strikes no matter what a person looks like, does, or is. I also believe that more people should learn (as I did) that the plural of "ninja" is "ninja". Without the "s". So there you go.

So please, leave a review for every scene! Even if you don't like it! Just...TELL ME! thanks!
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Cast of Characters

NINA DE LUCA: Female, 26 years old, studying to be a podiatrist.

DICKSEED SINATRA: Male, 24 years old, Vampire, bitten 3 weeks ago.

SUSIE BIGGINS: Female, 27 years old, waitress, married to Ninja Billy.

HUEY MCDADE: Male, 30 years old, Vampire, bitten 1929.

UNCLE ODIN: Male, 60s, honestly believes he's the Norse god Odin.

NINJA BILLY: Male, 48, pudgy, married to Susie, only Ninja allowed out of vow of silence.

NINJA LAWRENCE: Male, 43, the leader of the Detroit Ninja.

NINJA BOB: Male, 52, beer-bellied, often seen reading newspaper.

NINJA SMITHERS: Male, 46, protective and enthusiastic.

CUTE GIRL: Female, cute, late teens.

CHICKEN SELLER: Sells chicken, age and gender do not matter.

NINJA: 5 - 10 more Detroit Ninja, all extras, preferably old enough to pass for middle aged.

BARTENDER: Tends the bar, age and gender do not matter.

ACT I

Scene 1

SETTING: A bar. Bad music plays softly in the background while the few people in the bar around them ignore happenings and talk quietly amongst themselves. There is a dartboard in the back and some round tables with chairs around them. There is a bar going up along the side, with stools to sit on.

AT RISE: DICKSEED and HUEY sit together at the bar, situated so that the audience can see them both. A NINJA in full regalia (later called NEWSPAPER NINJA BOB) sits in the background at a small table, silently, in full regalia, a beer on the table and reading a newspaper. Oh, but pay no attention to the ninja. No sir. None at all.

(DICKSEED appears frustrated. He's rubbing his neck unconsciously, for the first couple lines)

DICKSEED
Shit, man…

HUEY
What?

DICKSEED
Shit!

HUEY
What?

DICKSEED
I don't think I can do it.

HUEY
Of course you can do it. I do it. And if I can do it, anyone can do it.

DICKSEED
But her neck?

HUEY
What, Dickseed, you'd prefer another body part?

DICKSEED
No. Yes. I dunno. Maybe?

HUEY
Look, you're getting cold feet. It's understandable. I was nervous, too, my first time.

DICKSEED
Really?

HUEY
Hell yeah! My first one, she had red hair, green eyes, a real nice body. Talked about how she worked at the animal shelter, saving kitties and shit like that. I could barely even bring myself to bite her.

DICKSEED
An animal shelter, man? That's horrible. Couldn't you have found a soulless corporate executive or something? I mean, jeez.

HUEY
It's not like I didn't feel bad about it! But a man's gotta eat, you know?

DICKSEED
Yeah, I get ya. So how did you do it?

HUEY
Well, I took a deep breath and just said to myself, "Huey, man, get it over with. Dracula sucks these bitches all the time and, dammit, if that cape-wearing asshole can get himself a nice pumping jugular, then dammit, so can you!"

DICKSEED
And then you did it?

HUEY
I did it.

DICKSEED
But she worked at an animal shelter!

HUEY
I know! I know! But I was starving, okay? I got three, count em three girls to go with me before and when the stakes were down –
(Interrupted)

DICKSEED
(Snorts in amusement)
Cute.

HUEY
Huh?

DICKSEED
That's funny. "When the stakes were down." Nice pun.

HUEY
(Disgusted)
Oh god…

DICKSEED
What?

HUEY
Look, if you're gonna be hanging out with me, you're gonna have to get over that "Oh, look at me, I'm a creature of the night" bullshit with the punning and the self-indulgent jokes. I can't stand that shit.

DICKSEED
Jeez-us, Huey, I get it. I just thought you were making an innocent pun, you know?

HUEY
No. And don't let me catch you ever being a cocky wannabe about this, either. Being a vampire means a hard life, okay? It's not something that's cool or romantic, so don't be making trite observations with puns and shit. Got it?

DICKSEED
Man, I got it. I thought you were joking around. I was wrong. So sue me.

HUEY
You sure you got it?

DICKSEED
I'm a-positive.

HUEY
Good. Now where was I?

DICKSEED
Um…you were with three girls.

HUEY
Right. So I was with three girls, each a different night, and each night, I am this close to biting them.

DICKSEED
And you froze.

HUEY
Exactly. Opened my mouth and then I couldn't do a damn thing. Each and every time. And, of course, once the girls saw my fangs, they ran away.
(Mirthlessly grins at DICKSEED, revealing sharp, pointed teeth)

DICKSEED
(smirk)
With a smile like that, I guess any girl you date would eventually see the point.

HUEY
(Pause. Annoyed)
Man, what did I just tell you?

DICKSEED
(Holds up hands in conciliatory gesture)
Sorry, sorry.

HUEY
Whatever, man. So, yeah, I ended up starving for the first three weeks after I was, you know, made. Born. Whatever. Just couldn't bite the bitches, no matter how hard I tried.

DICKSEED
See? See? That's what's happening to me! Like the other day, I get close, right next to her, so I can friggin smell the blood underneath her skin…
("Mmmmmm food" tone of voice)
And it smells so good, like, I dunno...

HUEY
Mom's home cooking?

DICKSEED
Yeah, kind of like that. Like everything that I've ever wanted to eat, ever. And so I'm about to bite her, drink something to get the damn hunger pains out of the way, when I remember every single thing that she told me about her life while we were eating dinner.

HUEY
I know, man. I went through this exact same thing.

DICKSEED
Like my last date, I remembered how she told me how she was studying to be a podiatrist. And I start thinking about how, if I bite her, think of all the little kids she won't be saving from diseases and shit. I mean, who am I to kill her when she could be doing so much good for the world? So, of course, I let her go and there you have it.
(Sigh)
Another night spent hungry.

HUEY
(Pause. Then, slightly amused tone)
Wait a minute. Just, wait. One minute.

DICKSEED
What?

HUEY
A podiatrist?

DICKSEED
Yeah.

HUEY
Man, a podiatrist is a foot doctor.

DICKSEED
What!?

HUEY
(Laughs)
Jeez-us, Dickseed! A ped-i-a-trician takes care of babies and shit. A podiatrist looks at your fucking warts! You dumbass…

DICKSEED
(Defensive)
Well, maybe the world's too short of foot doctors, too, okay?

HUEY
(Mocking)
So you, too, know the pain and heartbreak of corns?

DICKSEED
Shut up!

HUEY
Invest in a fucking dictionary, man. "Podiatrist..." God.

DICKSEED
Look, are you going to help me or what?

HUEY
What the hell do you think I'm trying to do, here? Look, try the same thing I did. Don't look at the next girl you go out with as a person, okay? Just think, "Suck the bitch. Suck the bitch" like a mantra or something. Sure, you might feel bad about it later, but by then you'll be too warm and satisfied to care all that much. Trust me, it works. You just gotta change your perspective.

DICKSEED
I am so utterly sick of cow's blood...
(Decided)
All right, man. Okay. I'll do it.

HUEY
Remember what I said; use a mantra.
(Looks at Dickweed and sighs)
And it doesn't have to be the neck, either, if you're really that bothered by it.

DICKSEED
You sure?

HUEY
I'm sure.

DICKSEED
(Apologetic shrug)
Because I hate it when people touch my neck, you know? It gives me the heebie jeebies. And to do it to someone else…

HUEY
It's okay, man. Go out, get something to eat.
(Does that manly pointing thing)
Next time I see you, I expect to find a new man.

DICKSEED
A new man.

HUEY
A vampire that I can look up to.

DICKSEED
Yeah! Exactly!
(Gratitude)
Thanks, Huey.

HUEY
No problem.
(Pause as DICKSEED turns to go)
Hey, Dickseed?

DICKSEED
Yeah?

HUEY
Just stay away from those podiatrists.

DICKSEED
Shut up!

HUEY
Because you know how the world needs more foot doctors.

DICKSEED
Shut up about it already!

HUEY
Well, are you going to go or what?

DICKSEED
Yeah.

(Pun!)
Fangs for nothing!
(Giggles, then runs out)

HUEY
(Pissed, shouts after him)
Dude, what did I say?! Quit it with the damn puns!
(To himself)
"Fangs for nothing". My god.
(Shakes his head in disgust)

(END OF SCENE)