10JOSE AND ALYSE AND GLORIA AND SAM AND BRIDGET AND ANDY AND ANDREW
present
Jack and the Beanstalk
Scene One
Jack is sitting on a stool, milking his cow.
JACK: Is this as awkward for you as it is for me? (The cow is silent.) Not a big talker, huh? Ha. Not a big milker, either. You're as dry as a desert.
COW: I'm a bull.
JACK: You talk!
COW: (standing up) Yes, I talk. And I'd appreciate if you'd stop yanking on me!
JACK: It's not my fault that you aren't giving any milk!
COW: You can't milk a male, you idiot!
JACK: (looking at hands) Wait... So what was I...? Oh!
Jacks mother storms in. The cow drops to its feet immediately and begins to pretend like it never spoke in the first place.
MOM: (angrily) Jack! Where is the milk?!
JACK: Mom? Milk? You do realize that our cow's a guy, right?
MOM: (angrily) So what, Jack? Are you still looking for somebody to replace your father?
JACK: No, ma, no that's not it! It's just... there's no way we can milk that cow. All it can do is talk!
The two look at the cow, sitting there silently and chewing on something. It doesn't say a word for several seconds. And then:
COW: Moo.
MOM: (sweetly) Oh, Jack, my baby boy, you must be feeling ill! Come on, sweetie, you need to sleep... (she begins to lead him away, and suddenly becomes very angry) NO! Jack, without milk, we're not going to be able to have dinner tonight! (She hits him on the back of the head) OH MY GOD YOU'RE WRECKING MY FAMILY! Jack! Stop being a lazy bum and get me that milk, now!
JACK: There is no milk!
MOM: (angrily) Then get a new cow! (sweetly) Please, dear?
JACK: How?
MOM: Take the cow. Sell the cow. Use the money wisely. (angrily again) NOW!
Jack jumps, runs for the cow, grabs it and leaves.
Scene Two
Jack is leading the cow on a leash as they head down a road. At the other end is the Old Man, playing with objects on a table and looking bored out of his mind.
COW: I can't believe you're going to sell me. I'm the best cow this place has ever seen. For the love of God, man, I can talk. How many cows do you know that can talk?
JACK: One.
COW: Really? There's more than one of us?! Where is it, Jack, where is it? Oh. Oh, I get it. Well, you know what, Jack, I don't need to take this. I'm glad you're selling me!
JACK: Yeah. Me too.
COW: (falling to knees) Jack! Please, don't sell me! Don't let me leave! You don't know what they do to cows like me, cows with talent! Jack, don't leave me! Please, let me stay! (He clutches Jack's legs) I'll sing for you, Jack! Anything if you let me stay!
JACK: Yeah, okay, no.
COW: Jack don't say that! (Begins to convulse on the floor like he's having a seizure)
JACK: Uh... Dude? That's freaky-deaky.
MAN: HEY, how are ya?
JACK: Um, hi. Can I have some help over here?
MAN: Not. One. Bit! But come over here, anyway, and let me let you in on a little secret. See, I like you, kid. You've got a cute butt, and I can appreciate that.
JACK: Excuse me?
MAN: Cute cow. So I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse. What have I got, you ask?
JACK: No...
MAN: Well, boy oh boy, let me tell you! I have got anything and everything you could ever need, and it's all right here with me! Need a shoe? I got one, just for you. Now you might say, "What am I going to do with only one shoe?" but the truth is... absolutely nothing. The sales pitch is this: When you go home, some angry old salesperson who can't sell enough goods might just creep through your window and break your legs while you sleep. No, no, no. Break one of your legs. What'll you do with only one working foot? Why, you'll wear only one working shoe! No? Doesn't sound good? Then how about a great wig? I mean, have you looked in the mirror today, son? That hair is whack. You gotta do something about it, especially that stupid little flippy-dippy in the front. And you look like the type to bald early, too... So how's that wig sound now? Still no? Well, how about... broken watch? A used kleenex? Come on, man, I'm desperate.
JACK: Don't you have anything of any... you know... real worth?
MAN: I've got a set of encyclopedias in the back...?
JACK: No, no, no, we've already got firewood. I mean something I can use.
MAN: How about... these completely ordinary, totally unmagical beans?
JACK: No, that's not quite my style.
MAN: What about magic beans?
JACK: Magic beans...? (Jack looks at the beans, grabs them, and runs away.) SUCKER!
The man watches Jack go, and then looks down at the cow lying on the floor.
MAN: Hey! Mister! You forgot your... your... your cow. Aw, what a pretty cow... ...Mine now, sucker...
Scene Three
Jack comes home while his mother is doing chores around the house. He's excited about the beans.
JACK: Mom, mom! Look what I got!
MOM: (depressed) Jack, if it's not your father, I don't want to hear it.
JACK: Oh. Well... okay then. (Turns and begins to leave)
MOM: Go get the cow, will ya? I need something to hit.
JACK: Excuse me?
MOM: Get the cow.
JACK: I just traded the cow.
MOM: (angry) What?
JACK: You told me to!
MOM: That cow was the only thing of any worth on this farm! At least tell me you got something good out of the deal.
JACK: Oh, I did, Mom, I did! Magic beans!
He holds the beans out to her. She grabs them out of his hand.
MOM: Beans? You traded our cow for beans? These are worthless, Jack! I might as well just throw them out the window!
JACK: No, Mom! Don't do that!
MOM: And why shouldn't I?
Mom turns and hurls the beans at the window.
JACK: Um... Cause the window's closed.
MOM: (pause, then sweetly) Yeah, I know.
JACK: Aren't you going to really throw them out the window?
MOM: Yes. But if I do that, then I have to bend over and open the window. It will decrease the intensity of the moment, and you will no longer feel threatened.
JACK: Oh... Ma? I'm gonna go now.
MOM: Good. I need to throw these beans out the window.
JACK: Yeah. Peachy. (Runs off)
Scene Four
The giant is standing is standing and looking at the beanstalk with the hen by his side.
GIANT: Gee, Hen, why do you think there's a beanstalk in my kingdom?
HEN: I don't know. It's your kingdom.
GIANT: Well, what should we do?
HEN: Cut it down! Only bad can come out of that thing!
GIANT: Don't be silly, hen. It's a plant! It can only do good!
HEN: You're just scared because it's a really big beanstalk, aren't you?
GIANT: Maybe.
HEN: Coward.
GIANT: I am not a coward! I am a giant, and I've got the best castle in the world! What have I got to be scared of?
HEN: Everything! You're a wimp!
GIANT: Don't make me cook you, hen!
HEN: Try it!
GIANT: I... I... um... AH! (The Giant runs offstage)
HEN: (eyeing the beanstalk) I'm watching you. (waddles offstage.)
Scene Five
Jack walks into the room and sees his mother looking at the beanstalk. She's furious, but hasn't spotted him yet. He slowly begins to walk away, but she turns quickly and catches him.
MOM: Explain this!
JACK: Oh. Um... You did it.
MOM: Oh. (Pause) Fix this!
JACK: Sorry, don't hurt me!
Jack walks over to the beanstalk and analyzes it curiously. There is no movement. Then he sees a red button and pushes it. The doors open, revealing the cook. They're acting as the doorman to the beanstalk, which is really an elevator.
COOK: Going up?
JACK: ...yes...?
COOK: vroom boom bump thump
JACK: Are you okay?
COOK: I'm hunky-dory! Who are you?
JACK: Oh! I'm Jack. I live-
COOK: Bing! Floor ten, cosmetics.
JACK: Whatmahuh?
COOK: Going up?
JACK: ...yes...?
COOK: vroom boom bump thump
JACK: Woah, woah, woah! What? Are you sure you're okay?
COOK: I'm hunky-dory! Who are you?
JACK: Still... Jack... Um... I live-
COOK: Bing! Floor twenty-six, fresh produce! (Jack looks at her weird.) Oh! I didn't see you here! Going up?
JACK: Evidently.
COOK: vroom boom bump thump
JACK: What the-?
COOK: I'm hunky-dory!
JACK: I never asked!
COOK: AH! Who are you?
JACK: I TOLD you, I'm-
COOK: Bing! Floor 48, lingerie.
JACK: Wait, what?
COOK: vroom boom bump thump
JACK: Hey, no! Go back down! The... back to the floor... the number... and the women... please!
COOK: Hey! I know you! You're Jack!
JACK: Um... Yeah.
COOK: Hi. I'm the castle cook.
JACK: Oh?
COOK: Where are you headed?
JACK: I have no idea.
COOK: Well, you can come to the castle with me.
JACK: Where?
COOK: AH! Who are you?
Scene Six
Jack and the cook enter the kitchen. Jack looks around, amazed. The Hen is sitting in her nest, and the cook walks around as if she owns the place.
COOK: You can have a seat here.
JACK: Okay.
Jack sits down and the cook heads over to a pot, passing the hen.
COOK: Hey, Hen.
HEN: What do you want?
COOK: I need some eggs for a cake. C'mon, step on it!
HEN: What color, Mrs. Perfect?
COOK: Gold, of course.
JACK: Excuse me. Did you say gold?
HEN: Shut up.
JACK: Shutting up.
HEN: Now, look, cook. I'm sick of working for you every day, tryin my best to do more than any other hen in the world can and still not being good enough for you. You're violating a few thousand labor laws as it is... You treat me bad, I'll tell.
COOK: Aw, who ya gonna tell? The police? A lotta good that'll do ya.
HEN: Hey! You know who got a melting spell put on the Wicked Witch of the West? That's right. Me. So keep outta my way, girl, before I get Hansel and Gretel up here to kick your-
COOK: What are you so upset about, Hen?
HEN: Oh, not again.
COOK: Say, can I have an egg?
HEN: YOU'RE AN IDIOT AND A MORON AND I CAN SAY WHATEVER I WANT CAUSE YOU WON'T REMEMBER IT IN FIVE MINUTES ANYWAY! I HATE YOU!
COOK: Hey, don't wake the Gi-
GIANT: Fee fi fo fum!
COOK: Hide, Josh, hide!
Jack looks confused.
HEN: She means you, kid.
JACK: Oh! (Hides under a table as the giant comes in.)
GIANT: Cook! I'm hungry, is my dinner made yet?
COOK: Coming right up, sir!
The giant takes a seat at the table where Jack is hiding. He gasps and slowly tries to ease out of it.
GIANT: What's for dinner?
COOK: I have no idea! (She puts the plate on the table and walks away. The Giant takes a bite.)
GIANT: (almost like a whimper) Oh, oh, oh! It's hot, it's hot! Oh, oh, ooooh!
COOK: Oh, I'm sorry!
GIANT: Mah tug hurds!
COOK: What?
HEN: His tongue hurts!
COOK: Oh, is it too hot?
GIANT: Yes!
COOK: Well, you should find whoever cooked it and kill them, or something!
GIANT: Whoever made it probably tastes better than this, anyway. Cook, bring me my hen.
The cook walks over, grabs the hen, and starts pulling on her.
HEN: Hey, buzz off! I can walk! (waddles over to the giant.) Yes, your majesty?
GIANT: Oh, I like that! "Your majesty!"
HEN: Well, yeah, Einstein, it's what you told me to call you.
GIANT: Ah! You're angry, don't hurt me!
HEN: Every time I come over, you scream! Calm down, man!
GIANT: Sorry, sorry. Got any eggs?
HEN: Um... no?
GIANT: NO?
HEN: AH! No screaming! Woah. Wait. There it went. (Pulls out a golden egg)
COOK: Maybe you should scream more often!
GIANT: LIKE THIS?
COOK: Nevermind.
JACK: (coming out of hiding) Excuse me, but is that real gold?
GIANT: AH! Humans! (He runs away, offstage.)
JACK: What'd I do?
HEN: You must of come in through the ugly forest, kid.
JACK: No, the beanstalk, I... hey!
HEN: You came from the beanstalk?
JACK: Yes?
HEN: Trouble. I knew it. But did Henry believe me? Noooo.
JACK: Henry?
COOK: Henry?
HEN: The giant.
COOK: What giant?
GIANT: (offstage) Fe fi fo fum!
JACK: He's back already?
GIANT: Guys, look what I found!
HEN: Hide, Jack! (Jack runs)
Scene Seven
Mom is sitting alone at home when the doorbell rings. She looks up, confused.
MOM: (angry) That better be my man.
She goes and opens up the door and... It's the man who 'sold' Jack the beans.
MAN: Is this where that 'Jack' lives?
MOM: Yeah, that's us. What do you want?
MAN: I want my beans back.
MOM: (confused) You... lost your beans?
MAN: All of them.
MOM: (sweet) Oh, I'm sorry, you poor, poor baby. Here, come inside...
She ushers the man in and closes the door.
MOM: You know, the same thing happened to me and my cow...
MAN: I know, ma'am. I came to return it.
MOM: (angry) You stole my cow?!
MAN: No, I, no!
MOM: You did too, you lying thief! Give it back, before I open a can of you-know-what on your deal!
MAN: Wha... wha... what?
MOM: Where's my cow?!
MAN: I don't have it!
MOM: You lost my cow?
MAN: No, the giant stole it!
Scene Eight
GIANT: You know, you're a pretty cow.
COW: Oh, why thank you! I used to work for Ambercrombie & Fitch.
GIANT: Wow, you talk! Do you moo, too?
COW: Of course I moo! Everyone can moo! See? Moooo. Try it!
GIANT: You want me to moo?
COW: Yeah! Try it!
GIANT: Um... okay. Ma... Mahoo... Marooooooooon. Goooooo. Meeeee. Ma... muh... moo.
COW: Okay, stop before you hurt yourself.
GIANT: Oh, I can't do it! Ooooh!
COW: No, don't get upset! You'll get it someday. (The giant runs off, upset.) Pansy.
COOK: Oh, he's always like that. What's your name, kid?
COW: Oh! You can call me Superbull! (poses)
COOK: Cool! Well, Bupersull, want to help me cook?
COW: Okay!
HEN: Don't help her, 'Superbull.' It'll only hurt you in the end.
COW: What? I'm Superbull! NOTHING can hurt ME! I am INVINCIBLE!
COOK: AH! Who are you! Get out of my food! (She smacks the cow)
COW: I... Um... Ooooo... (collapses)
COOK: Oh my god, are you okay?
COW: Noooooooo... Moo.
COOK: Oh, let me get the salt! I hear that salt makes wounds heal faster!
COW: No!
COOK: Now... where is that salt? Oh, the meal!
COW: Hellp me!
HEN: Will you stop it with all the noise? God! I'm trying to concentrate, here, but it's hard with you all screaming non-stop! Imbeciles!
COOK: Oh, sure! I see how it is! You let us do all the work while you just sit and pretend like you're worth something, huh? Well, I'll tell you!
HEN: HEY! I'm workin over here! So shuttup! Golden eggs take time. Care. Love. Nurture.
COOK: Wait, what are we talking about?
HEN: Just cook.
COOK: Okay, okay. But where's the beef?
COW: Oooh...
COOK: There it is!
Jacks bursts in.
JACK: Oh, my cow! Aw, man, I've missed you!
COW: Oh, not you again, Mr. I-Can-Milk-A-Bull.
JACK: Hey, that was an accident.
Jack begins to lift the injured cow.
HEN: OH! HERE IT COMES, THIS IS THE BIG ONE!
JACK: The giant?
HEN: No, the egg! OOH! (She reaches down and pulls out an egg. It's... purple.) PURPLE? Oh, I can't believe it! You know who's fault this is, don't you?
COOK: The economy?
HEN: That cow! It won't. Shut. Up! (she throws the egg and the cow loses his balance and falls again.)
JACK: Shh! Keep it down! We don't want to wake the Giant!
HEN: You want me to shut up, then get me outta here. Especially away from her.
COW: I have the sudden urge to sing!
JACK: Cow, shut up. Hen – can you run, or do I have to carry you?
COW: I feel a song coming on. I...
JACK: Not now. The giant's asleep.
COW: I don't think I can hold it much longer!
ALL 3: Not now!
The cow begins to shake, and then opens his mouth to sing. He puts his hands over his mouth, muffling the sound, but he still can't stop it.
JACK: No, cow, no!
COW: MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD! DARN RIGHT, IT'S BETTER THAN YOURS, DARN RIGHT, IT'S BETTER THAN YOURS!
JACK: NOOOOO!
GIANT: Fe fi fo fum, I smell a cow who's dumb!
COOK: The giant!
JACK: Run, everybody, run!
COW: MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD!
GIANT: (Entering) Hey, where are you going with my hen!
COOK: Run! Before he eats us all alive! (They try to run away, but have nowhere to go)
GIANT: Hey, don't leave, I just want to play! I'm a nice guy, really!
The cow begins to jump around and snarl.
HEN: Oh.
COOK: My.
JACK: God.
HEN: Superbull...
COOK: ...has...
JACK: MAD COW DISEASE!
GIANT: Mad Cow Disease!? RUN! AHHH! (the Giant runs offstage. Superbull chases after him, screaming.)
silence.
JACK: Well, that solves that.
The cow comes back in, panting.
COW: Well, I took care of the Giant!
JACK: What'd you do?
COW: Oh! He was going down the elevator, so I just sawed off the wire. You know what he did then?
COOK: What'd he do?
COW: (mimicking) Oh no, the sky is falling! Ahhhh! (He falls to the ground)
JACK: You cut the elevator?
COW: (laughing) Heh heh. Yeah! Pretty smart, huh?
JACK: So how are we getting back down?
COW: Huh? Oh...
END