Why Pies Are Good

My introduction shall be that the reason pies are so, undeniably good, is that take no shit from no one.

When some prissy dietician came out and said, "Ze average pie has enough fat in it to equal za size of zae golf ball." What happened? Why, people kept on eating pies, people kept on buying pies! They were not conquered, they were not bested, they were not voted off the island. They continue today to be offered in undesirable dairies, petrol stations, and corner shops around the world for those either looking for their daily pie fix or just a quick hot meal which won't cost them the socks which unpleasantly hug their feet. I resent the fact that the reputation of the pie has been even mildly tainted. I resent the fact that just because they are a little fattening they have become a forbidden fruit

Elvis wasn't good for people but they let him be purely because people enjoyed his pelvisy goodness.
So why can't we be left in peace to enjoy the delectable virtues of the pie?

I don't know, I just don't know.

Just like I don't know why some vegetarians insist it's ok to eat fluffy and marginally evil chickens – why I scream in anguish WHY – seriously, they say they aren't gonna eat meat; well then don't eat bloody chickens! Last time I checked, chickens were classified as animals, so as far as I'm concerned they are meat. Hence my opinion that those claiming vegetarianism, whilst still consuming chicken, goes against the very reason, the very morals they use as the basis for not eating other meat products, such as veal. Consequently, I don't think they should be able to classify themselves as a vegetarian - I happen to have a great lot of respect for vegetarians (just because, I wont lie, love turkey, and couldn't imagine life without it) – and I, as a matter of fact, am slightly offended when I see someone go:

"I'm a vegetarian." And then proceed to submerge their head in a pile of deep fried chicken and exclaim how wonderfully succulent it is.

Moving along, I asked an acquaintance what they thought of the pie, and this, is what they said…

Me: What do you think of pies?
Person: What?
Me: What do you think of pies?
Person: Of what?
Me: Pies.
Person: Well, pies can vary greatly.
Me: How?
Person: Pardon?
Me: How?
Person: Well, pastry varies hugely and the inside varies hugely, as you will have noticed I don't eat too many of the pies which I bring into this house. You kids seem to like them…
Me: Anything else you would like to add?
Person: To sum it up I would enjoy a good pie occasionally – the ultimate words being good and the other being occasionally.

Although this particular acquaintance is somewhat deaf and therefore isn't at all very reliable in their opinions, even they, admit they wouldn't mind a good pie.

I work at a place which sells a lot of pies, and I have observed with my very perceptive pie watch eyes, that pies are frequently the lone friend to those loyal truckers which haunt those dark and dangerous roads. Now, don't you think that a pie is a much safer friend than the random psychotic hitchhiker who looks at you as though you are a particularly tasty chicken pie yourself? I'm saying this discarding that ad which was recently on TV, where this guy was eating a pie while driving and, predictably, dropped it on his lap which resulted in a little accident – an accident purely his fault; he obviously over estimated the capabilities of his ever so slightly retarded mind. No doubt the ad was again the makings of that prissy dietician whose life purpose is obviously to destroy the reputation of the pie with their shameless, malicious acts of tainting.

Tisk to the infinite tisk.

Another delectable quality of the pie would its air of privilege. I doubt whether you would ever see Jennifer Aniston strolling into a petrol station to buy the classic mince and cheese pie. Why? Because, due to her body not being used to fat, all lipids would indeed super glue themselves to her hips due to lack of directions from her unprepared digestive system. Where as the general, fat tolerable, population can pop a pie in without having such drastic consequences.

Why, you may be asking, are you so insane about the pie issue?
I'll tell you why.
As soon as I remember.

If you actually liked this particular recorded bout of insanity, then you can check up on me, maybe I'll put out another chapter. Because believe me, this isn't the only argument I have had brewing in my mind.

Goodnight, other worldly being bless, and remember…
Choose pies, not psychopathic hitchhikers.

Disclaimer: absolutely no research was done concerning this essay type thing. Anything I said probably shouldn't be taken at all seriously and no vegetarian person, I do not regret implying that you are a complete and utter con. I don't know anything about the golf ball thing, I heard it and presumed it was some evil and prissy dietician, but didn't we all? Oh yeah, and if you're a trucker, no matter what you may think, I was not trying to imply that you have other intentions with pies other than to eat them…that's between you and the pie ;)