Forty-eight days and counting.

Some people just don't understand me, or the things I go through. No one wants to make the effort to get to know the real me. Some people are too self absorbed with themselves to see how depressed I am. No one wants to go the extra mile and make me feel better when all feels hopeless. Some people are too good to be a friend of mine.

Forty-eight days. From today, it's the day I've grown to regret and wish it'd never come. It's a day I wish I could go back and change. Four years haven't made a difference at all. At night all I want to do is cry, but sometimes I just won't give in. I think I've ruined my life. I'm not the same person anymore.

I guess some don't realize that you don't know how much you miss someone until they're gone. Some may even know what I'm talking about. It isn't exactly easy to spit out the words and tell you what I'm feeling. You'd never understand. No, I'm not trying to be insensitive, but no one knows what its like. I try explaining, but no one seems to get the extent of it.

Well, I'll tell you what the day is. It's the four-year anniversary of my father's death, which is extremely devastating for me. I loved him unlike anyone in the world. No one could ever get the same love from me that I gave to him. He was my everything. He was my rock when I was weak. He was there for me when I had no one else.

Some days, I just sulk in my room, and wonder why it had to happen to me. Some say it's supposed to make you stronger, but it's made me weak. It's so hard to pretend to be happy for everyone. Seriously, if there was ever one thing I could change in my life, I wish I could have him back. If I never had a guitar or if I didn't have a boyfriend or if I was broke on the streets, I wouldn't care. His love would be enough to survive.

But, I don't have that anymore…

He taught me every single thing I know today. I'm a better person because of him. My father had his business partially named after me. On Sunday mornings, I'd wake up early and we'd go out for breakfast, just the two of us. I'd smile, knowing my life was perfect. And I'm not using that term loosely. So what if I didn't have a lot of money or I didn't get what I wanted. Love always seemed to be enough and that was what was so special about our bond.

If there were some things I wish I could change, I'd wish I had more time with him. At twelve years old, I felt robbed of my life. And for the rest of my life, I'm never going to be complete. There is always going to be this tear in my heart that I can't repair. And there is always going to be a special part of my love for him tucked away in my heart.

I want him back. I need him back. I want my fucking life back. I need my fucking life back.

Why did this happen to me? Why wasn't I warned? Why didn't I get over it? Why am I so lonely all the time? Where do I go from here? I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. God, I fucking miss him with every breath in my body. Not many will understand how much of a good person he was. He helped everyone. Everyone loved him. But he was mine and I was proud of that. No one could knock me off that pedestal until that night… that night that I'd never be the same.

"I'm sorry," the doctor says, "we lost him."

I cried and cried and cried. No, this wasn't supposed to happen to me. It was all a dream I'd tell myself. I buried my head into the chair. Did God really hate me? My bottom lip quivered as I walked over to him… and just looked… I was expecting something. Why wasn't he moving? It just didn't sink in? I touched him. He was still warm. He's just sleeping I convinced myself…

But that's not how it was… It finally sunk in at the funeral. Seeing him in that casket broke my heart. Then, I broke down and cried. It was real. He really died. And the thing I think about everyday: I just wish I got to say 'I love you' one last time.

Based on personal experience. I hold this piece close to my heart so if you review, please be kind to me. I'd really appreciate if I didn't get flames on this. It was a spur of the moment thing that I'd like to really, really cherish.