Heads or tails? There's two sides to this coin

There was nothing unusual about Sarah Detox, she wasn't ugly, she wasn't fat, she didn't wear braces, she didn't have ginger hair, or posses any of the other qualities that typically attract so much unjust discrimination at schools. She did however work hard at life, she told her self every day in desperation that she could work her way out of her poverty, out of this town she so longed to be free of, and out of her existence she had come to despise with such vengeance. Through no obvious fault of her own Sarah Detox was the target of Tammy Jenkins' anger. Tammy Jenkins was outstandingly beautiful, she was respected, she was feared. Sarah recognised it was not everyone in school who hated her, it was the mere fact everyone in school were sheep, and Tammy Jenkins was the Shepard. If Tammy didn't like her, no one could like her, and unfortunately for Sarah Detox Tammy didn't like her.

It was the usual soul crushing stuff. Usual bullying. Legs sticking out tripping her up as she walked down classrooms. Spit in her dinner. Throw and catch with her bag. Chewing gum in her hair. No one to sit next to in classes. Not being chosen for teams in sports. Trivial? Not quite. It caused the sort of pain that stabs at your heart every second and no medicine could ever cure it. The sort of rain that never stops and you can never dry yourself of. The sort of cold that chills you to the bone and even burning your self alive could not warm you up.

Sarah and Tammy were two very different people, who lead two very different lives. But they did have one thing in common there talent for dance. Sarah loved her dance lessons, it was the only time she could be her self and not be judged, even Tammy left her alone. Perhaps it was the respect each had for their mutual talent, Sarah didn't ask why, but she appreciated the way dance classes were her only sanctuary. This sanctuary was invaded and burned to the ground as soon as the lesson was over: Sarah went into the changing room and acknowledged her clothes were no longer where she had put them. Desperately she searched for them in the midst of sniggers throughout the changing room.

"Why don't you have a shower? They'll probably turn up later."

Came Tammy's unusually helpful voice. It wasn't sincere. Suspiciously Sarah made her way to the showers which only now she noticed to be turned on. There, now considerably soaked, were Sarah's clothes and there, now considerable devastated, was Sarah. She took in a deep breath and along with air swallowed the lump in her throat, the scream she desperately wanted to let free and a great deal of pride. She had a feeling in her stomach which can only be described as a painful dose of butterflies. A butterfly flying through air of pain. Sarah was unsure if perhaps she had over filled her stomach from every thing she had just swallowed or if this obscure feeling was merely her bodies reaction to what Tammy cruelness. Calmly she turned off the shower and picked up her clothes, she walked back through the changing rooms her held high, and not even a glimpse of a tear in her eye. Laughter followed her,

"Your clothes are like you now… totally wet!"

Tammy didn't laugh at her own joke but as Sarah turned around to shoot her a deadly look she had a cynical grin on her face, and pure pleasure in her dark brown eyes. Sarah questioned what sort of human being could get kicks out of other's misery. She also questioned that insult, what does it mean any way to be wet? In her head she reassured herself of Tammy's inferiority and the fact her blatantly miniscule brain was incapable of thinking up a better one.

With the changing room far behind her, but the ringing of laughter still in her ears and the look on Tammy's face still before her eyes, Sarah made her way to the toilets. In which she spent the next hour sat under the small hand dryer attempting to dry her clothes. Thinking of nothing, only that one day all this would be a memory and she would be far away from this place.

That night Sarah sat at home staring into her red rimmed eyes, she banged her fist on the mirror and then turned away from it, no longer wanting to see the monster staring back at her. No longer wanting to witness the pitiful wreck she had become. Life was hard for her and it always had been. Her family was large and had little money, which is an unfortunate and difficult combination. Sarah was the eldest of 6 children and her father had left, they didn't know why, they didn't talk about it either. The Detox family was not one to talk about things. Emotions were put up in neat boxes on shelves where they belonged. Sarah longed for her mother to come up stairs and hold her. Smooth her fringe out of her eyes like she did when she was younger and tell her everything was going to be alright. Tell her she was proud, and that she loved her regardless of what she had become. This didn't happen, Sarah knew her mother loved her. She just didn't show it in the conventional way. Any way she was busy, that's all. Sarah heard her brother Aaron down stairs crying that he didn't want to got o bed yet. Her sisters Lilly and Jane playing in the next room. A clang of pots which apparently her mother had drooped, predictably through tiredness. Sarah flung herself onto her bed face down in her pillow and sobbed the sounds of her home away. Her body couldn't escape this place but her mind could. Her mind did every night as she lay down to sleep.

Tammy hung out of her bedroom window of her large and tidy terrace house to allow the smoke from her cigarette to drift away and not be smelt throughout the house. She had Eminem playing loudly from her top of the range CD player to drown out her parents shouts from down stairs as they argued yet again. She stared around her perfect room, her T.V. her wardrobe full of designer clothes, if money and possessions were love she'd be the happiest girl alive. If fancy presents could make what he did to her alright she wouldn't cry herself to sleep every night. Even over the music she could hear glass breaking and her mother screaming. She wonder what alibi she'd come up with for the bruise tomorrow. She wondered how many doors her mother had to walk into before people released and came to her aid. She turn of her music and lay on her bed. In despair she squeezed her eyes closed tight her father walked into her run. She knew what he'd come for. Tammy's whole body was shaking as she felt his on hers.

Sarah's hand shook as she held the blade to her veins. Silent tears ran like rivers down her face and she was drowning in them. She'd taken enough it was too much. This life, what's the point? All this work all this strife. She was going to die at the end of it anyway why not now? What's to live for? Who would miss her? Know one has even noticed she's depressed so why would they notice she had gone? Her eyes felt weighed down by the bags they were forced to carry, her knees felt ready to buckle because she couldn't carry her own body weight any more. She allowed her legs to collapse and she feel to the floor. She allowed her eyes to shut and breathe to stop, she was letting her self drown. Her self hate only increased as she lost the nerve to slice. Her lent back hard against the tiled bathroom wall allowing her head to bang against it, cursing herself and her cowardliness. She dropped the knife on to the cold floor and suddenly realised how cold she herself was feeling, sat on the tiles in her pants and a small T-shirt. Sarah wrapped her arms around herself to try and warm up. She squeezed her own body hard as a last attempt to hold the pain inside. Though it was debatable how much longer her arms could do this, until they admitted defeat. She rocked backwards and forwards slowly shaking her head, likewise she didn't know how much longer she could keep her head. Or when like her dignity and self belief she would lose her sanity too.

Tammy sat at the top of her stairs in a heap, her hair sticking to her face with tears. As she watched her mother desperately trying to explain where and how she had found her husbands hung body. Tammy did not even try to fake grief of her fathers suicide, nor did she try and hide the anger and resentment she felt for him. And despite great effort she couldn't fake the fact she knew when the police men took her mother away she would never come back, nor the fact this was breaking her.

"I'm sorry love, I can't do this anymore" a peck on the fore head was all she was given for a life time of deprived love.

A female office came up the stairs and attempted to put her arm around this weak remains of a child. Tammy pulled away feeling incapable of human affection. Not now.

"She doesn't want me does she?"

"O love that's not it at all. She has had a hard time, she needs help."

"And what about me? Who will help me? Who has ever helped me?" Tammy refused to cry though desperation was becoming more present with every word.

"We're going to take you to a new home. Where you'll have parents who want you, will care for you and will love you."

"Yeah? Well good luck finding someone. I'm not easy to love you know."

"You're not alone any more Tammy. We've come to help you."

"I'm way beyond that." Tammy's dark brown eyes seemed darker and closer to black than ever. They were full of what appeared to be hate, but in truth it was cold and long built fear.

Sarah ran to class just as the bell was ringing. She really shouldn't be late again this is not going to look good on college applications. But her baby brother had been ill and she had taken care of him whilst her mother took the other children to school and nursery.

"Afternoon Sarah."

It wasn't afternoon she was barely five minutes late. Why do teachers have to try to be funny. Haven't they got the hint by the way pupils never laugh that they're not! Sarah thought bitterly to her self as she sat down muttering an apology.

"As I was saying" Miss Tanwell continued, she was one of those expressionless teachers who never smiled nor frowned and was never concerned by any thing or anyone. Only the matter of getting her lessons over so she could go home. Probably to a make for one and some sad talk show where people complain about perfectly fine lives and are usually obese, Sarah thought, as she began to picture Miss Tanwell's house. It was probably a flat actually… she was brought back to reality as Miss Tanwell said;

"Tammy Jenkins will no longer be attending our school as she has been displaced to Liverpool. It was Tammy's wish non of you were to know her new address but she did say she'd miss you all and goodbye. Right moving on with the lesson then covalent bonding…"

'So that's it, it's over no more Tammy Jenkins. Displaced what do they mean by that? Are things finally going to look up for me?' Sarah's head was a world pool of thoughts and questions. Her head; till full with water only now she wasn't drowning, she was learning to swim.

"How was your day at college honey?"

"Not bad, they're putting on a dance performance I was thinking about auditioning."

"You should, definitely."

Tammy smiled at her foster mother with gratitude. She was both flattered and unsure of encouragement she had just been given as she had never before experienced it.

"You coming for a kick about?" Sam asked coming into the kitchen draping mud on the floor.

"Sure" Tammy grinned back.

"Out my kitchen you mucky little scruff!" Sam's mother shouted though she wasn't angry. Both Sam and Tammy ran to the back garden laughing. Tammy stopped mid run and watched Sam, her brother running down he garden. Then turned to look through the kitchen window Pete had come in to help Sue make the tea, her parents. Her family. Then a thought came to her of a girl from her past. A girl she had treated appallingly just so others would fear her. Fear her as she'd feared her father. So they'd respect her do as she said. That poor girl. Tammy wondered if she's ever really up set that girl, Sarah was it? 'Nah she'll have been alright, sure she had friends and a family and stuff. Besides I was a different person back then.' Tammy shrugged the thoughts away but the guilt was still there underneath, she uttered a quick wish under her breathe that Sarah was happy and had friends. The blackness had gone from Tammy's eyes, now they sparkled, they looked upwards at the cloudless blue sky, she considered what infinity was and where the sky ended. She reflected on how small she was and how insignificant she was. 'Yeah maybe I'm insignificant,' Tammy thought blissfully, 'But at lest I'm home.'

"You coming or not sis?" Sam called to her.

Sarah got a scholarship at the best college in the region. She studied medicine and became a paediatrician. She sends money home to her mother and siblings and is the pride of the whole family. She is engaged to a man you loves her for all she is and promises her she will never be alone. Sarah lived her dream, she made something of her life, her learned to swim and swam the whole sea. She got out of her home town and small council house, from time to time she goes back there, to think, to reflect. To appreciate that every thing she had to got through in life made her who she is. No matter how bad it seemed at the time, we could not be who we are if it weren't for our past.