3,200Chapter 03—
An Indecent Proposal
Jude latched onto Lira's hesitation like a vampire latches onto a victim's neck… to suck all her blood and drain her life's vitality.
Lira resisted the urge to slap that disgusting smile off his horrible, smarmy face.
Jude quirked an eyebrow. "Is this hesitation I sense?"
"It isn't hesitation," Lira quickly denied. "No… it's just… I'm not rich like you, Jude. I can't just pick up and fly to Mexico on a whim."
"Not even Vegas?"
"No money," she repeated.
"And the other half has to be there, right?" Jude thoughtfully said. "I mean, I can't just go obtain the divorce myself, can I?"
"Not as far as I know," Lira sullenly replied. Then she perked up a little as an idea occurred to her. "Unless… well…"
"Oh, I think not," Jude interrupted with a (rather rude) snort. "I'm not paying for your way."
"So I gather that you enjoy being married to me then?" Lira sarcastically spat. "Why can't we just… I don't know… work out a payment plan or something? I can pay you back in installments?"
"Could I charge interest?"
"Jude!"
"Look, it's out of the question." He shook his head.
Recognition suddenly swept over Lira's features. Her brown eyes were suddenly alight with… well, enlightenment. She knew exactly what this was. Jude didn't want to be married to her anymore than she wanted to be married to him. And if it meant he had to pay for her way to Vegas or Mexico, he'd do so.
Unless…
"Your parents took away your allowance!" Lira exclaimed with a large smile on her face.
"They didn't take it away," he angrily answered. "They just… suspended it."
"Why? What did you do? You aren't failing any classes are you? I bet you're failing Ancient Civilizations. Last week you actually fell asleep in there. You know, college isn't a repeat of high school. You're actually required to pay attention and get good grades. I realize that's a somewhat foreign concept to you and…"
"Contrary to your warped way of thinking," Jude interrupted, "school is not the most important aspect of a person's life."
"School prepares you for life," she countered.
"Why the hell are we talking about school?" Jude asked her—a little confused over that fact.
"Why did your parents take away your allowance?"
"They suspended it and it's none of your business."
"Well, I don't have enough money to buy a plane ticket. I'm short as it is and I'm probably going to end up having to choose between paying my rent or eating."
"As much as that tugs at my heart strings," Jude splayed a hand over the organ in question (pft… as though he actually had a heart, Lira scoffed to herself), "I really couldn't care less about your money problems."
"Well it does put a bit of a dent in the plan now doesn't it?" Lira bristled at him. "I want out of this thing… NOW!"
"In case you've failed to notice, raising ones voice doesn't get anything accomplished."
"Maybe not, but it makes me feel much better," she pouted at him.
Jude rolled his eyes.
"It's not as though I like this arrangement," he told her. "In fact, it makes me quite nauseous to be truthful. However, what's it really going to hurt to get a divorce the old fashioned way?"
"But a divorce takes a year to be finalized," she protested.
"I'm well aware of that, Lira," he sighed. "But that's really our only option."
This entire morning was turning into the biggest nightmare of her life.
You know, on television this problem would be solved within the half hour. Well, unless the writers were really trying to get the couple in question to fall in love and the only way they could think of achieving that means was by having them get married in a drunken state.
Lira glared suspiciously at Jude.
… nah.
"What about your parents?" she asked him.
"What about them? I thought we already went over this… they've cut off the money supply. Don't you listen?" He looked at her in exasperation.
"I meant," she glared, "why can't you just tell them what happened? They've got money and a decent amount of power, right? You tell them and they pull a few strings and make it disappear."
"Maybe…" Jude nodded his head. "Oh, but I don't know."
"What? Why not?" Lira looked up at him.
Now who was the one hesitating?
Jude leaned against the wall with an annoyed expression tugging at his features. Then, all of a sudden and seemingly out of nowhere, his entire face lit up—as though something had just occurred to him.
"Alright, this is probably a really bad idea," he began, "but just hear me out."
Lira resisted the urge to groan. What kind of ridiculous plan was he going to come up with now? Jude had always been known for his Zack Morris-esque scheming… although he didn't have a screw-up friend named Screech and most of his plans didn't involve him getting caught by the middle-aged Principal.
He began, "I have this trust fund…"
"Okay, let me get this straight," Lira's best friend looked at her with incredulity, "—you got drunk, suddenly became aware of Jude Keenan's charms, got his name tattooed on your hip, married him, woke up next to him in bed and can't remember a single thing…"
"I remember most of it now," Lira protested. It was true; she'd finally figured out what that number 64 crap was about. That was their number in the line to get married at The Love Shack.
The Love Shack. Yup. She felt like a moron.
"—and you're not even going to get a divorce, instead opting to stay married? That must have been some mind-blowing sex."
"Blair!" Lira exclaimed. "It wasn't mind-blowing!"
"Oh yeah?" She gave her friend a challenging look. "Then enlighten me as to why you're staying married to a man who you bitch and complain about and pretty much seem to abhor with every fiber of your being? If the sex wasn't any good then… just color me confused."
"You weren't listening at all, Blair!" Lira exclaimed.
"So what did I get wrong, then?"
"First of all this entire situation has nothing to do with me becoming susceptible to Jude's charms…" she gave Blair the evil eye, "nor does it have anything to do with the sex."
"But yet you're opting to remain married to him," Blair pointed out.
"I haven't agreed to it yet." Lira sunk down into the couch. "The thing is… I know it's morally wrong and everything, but come on… tell me you wouldn't at least consider it."
"Just… just start from the beginning," Blair implored her friend. "What exactly is it that Jude's proposing?"
Lira took a deep breath.
"Jude's parents have cut off his allowance because he… I don't know, something about him behaving immaturely and recklessly. They got tired of having to clean up his messes and so they cut off his money supply until he could prove his maturity."
"Alright…?" Blair was utterly confused as to what this had to do with anything.
"I'm getting there," Lira irritably told her. "He lost his parents money… not that it really matters all that much as far as I can tell. He's still got a place to live and food to eat, but apparently he isn't satisfied with that. So, that's when this trust fund enters the mess; his grandmother set up for him but he isn't due to get it until he's thirty, unless…"
"Ah-ha, here we go," Blair mumbled under her breath.
"He can get the fund before he's thirty if he gets married."
"Oh, so he's just trying to take advantage of the situation?" Blair surmised.
"Exactly."
"And you're willing to help him out all of a sudden… why?"
"He'll give me a hundred thousand dollars if I stay married to him."
Blair's eyes widened about three sizes. Okay, so now she could understand where all this was coming from. It still didn't seem like a Lira type of thing… but who was she to judge?
"A hundred thousand dollars?" Blair repeated in wide-eyed wonder.
"It's chump change compared to what he's getting."
"Still…"
"The only thing is," Lira began, "that I'll have to move into the Keenan house…"
"That beautiful place just outside of town?" Blair dreamily sighed. "Lira, that house is gorgeous. I hear it's got two elevators, three kitchens, a swimming pool in the living room, and a sauna."
"It doesn't have three kitchens," Lira off-handedly told her. "It's got one big one and then a smaller one out in the guest house."
"How do you…? Have you been inside that house before?" Blair excitedly prodded her best friend for details.
"Would you relax, already? Yes, I've been inside the house before. In high school I had to do a school project with Jude."
"Really? So you saw the house?"
"Yes, I saw the house… they don't have any elevators—as far as I could see anyway."
"What about the in-door swimming pool?"
"Yes, it's there. But it isn't very large. Anyway Blair! Can we please focus on the important issue here."
"Sorry," the other girl mumbled.
"So, I'll have to move into the house with him, share a room with him, and pretend to be all lovey-dovey with him. I'll have to convince his parents, grandmother, and her lawyer that I'm not a gold-digging hussy who's only after him for his money."
"Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but you are only after his money."
"You make it sound so cheap and tawdry," Lira pouted.
"Well… it is kind of cheap and tawdry."
Lira threw Blair an enraged look before burying her head in her hands. She wasn't even sure why she was considering this… let alone seriously considering it. She should be outraged and insulted at Jude's audacity to even suggest such a situation.
But she couldn't stop her brain from pointing out that she needed money. She wasn't in dire straights, sure… but she wasn't in a situation where she could refuse it either.
Besides, they were already married. It was just making the best out of a bad situation. Wasn't it? Ugh, and what if it didn't work? What if they weren't able to convince his family that the marriage was legitimate and that they (…ew) loved one another?
As it was, Jude's mother already hated her with a passion and the grandmother was supposedly a crusty old thing who rivaled Jude's biting tongue. Lira wasn't so sure that she wanted to put herself into such a situation… not even for a hundred thousand dollars.
"Do they really have a sauna?" Blair interrupted Lira's inner war.
"Yes, they have a sauna!" she snapped.
"Touchy, touchy," Blair rolled her eyes. "Does their fridge actually talk?"
"Talk?" Lira looked at Blair as though she'd just sprouted horns and a tail. "Where did you hear they had a talking fridge?"
"I don't remember. Well… do they?"
"I don't know!" Lira rubbed her head, feeling her headache come back in full force.
"Well, you said that you were in the kitchen. You didn't notice a talking fridge?"
"Unfortunately I was too busy blowing up said kitchen," she muttered under her breath.
"You what?" Blair screeched. "You blew up the Keenan's kitchen?"
"Uh… kinda. But it was an accident."
A/N: So, now the plot begins. Let me point out a few things:
1. Jude loosing his "allowance" isn't as desperate as he makes it out to be. It doesn't mean that he's destitute in the least. It's just the catalyst that gives him the idea to try and obtain his trust fund early.
2. Before anyone asks, he did NOT plan it beforehand. It was one of those "Wow, I can take advantage of this" things.
3. I know that the situation is clichéd… teaming up and pretending to be married, but I thought it would fun despite the fact that it's been done (and sometimes overdone) before.
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