When The Man Says Green I Walk - Damian Kelleher

There was myself and Twigs waiting at the side of the road that was but the red light was still red and not even the cars could move and then the man turned green so I myself walked and Twigs followed 'cause he does not like to walk in front 'cause that way some unfriendly people can might just see him and do Bad Things to Twigs which he does not like. Twigs said to me as we crossed the road with the man that was still green but soon would be flashing red and saying Stop that he was not very happy with the current arrangement that we had made the other day what with relation to his girlfriend and myself. Whatever could your problem be I said to Twigs all polite like and pretending not to know what he meant but really I did and then the man stopped flashing red and started being just red and that meant we had to get off the road but we were not yet finished crossing so we sped up. The other side of the road was our destination and there was a big yellow flashing neon sign that talked said something about lots of burgers and fries and drinks and toys and sundaes and pizzas and all sorts of delicious things that we wanted to eat and that was why we crossed the road and so we did. Inside the building it was dirty but looked clean and you could tell that it was really dirty because if you got your index finger and not the one with the ring on it and brushed it up against one of the oh- so-white tables or counters it would come away dirty and reveal the truth behind the uncleanness of the place and perhaps maybe just the truth about how dirty it was in secret things as well as cleanliness. Twigs and myself waited in line for a very long time when all we wanted was a burger each but the stupid fat lady in front of us had about a thousand kids that were all screaming and had runny noses and that I would not touch unless I was paid a million no two million whole dollars and even then all I would do would be to sit them down in front of the tv and tell them to shut up while I maybe just maybe drink some of her hidden alcohol that I am sure is buried in the cupboard somewhere just like it is at the house where my mum lives and so do I. But then finally after maybe twenty years of waiting the stupid fat lady was finished ordering and took her food away and did not even say sorry not even when one of the stupid kids stepped on Twigs' foot really hard and laughed and called Twigs an idiot even though Twigs is not an idiot at least that is my opinion and I am his friend so that counts right. The girl that was serving Twigs but not yet serving me was very pretty with blonde hair that I wanted to touch so I nearly did but then I remembered that it is not very nice to touch people without them letting you first but sometimes I forget but luckily not this time and then Twigs got his burger which looked delicious and I said to the girl could I have a delicious burger just like what Twigs has got and she looked at me and then smiled and I wanted to touch her hair and she got me the burger and I bowed politely.
Then Twigs sat down at one of the dirty white tables that actually look clean and chomped into his burger which looked delicious and there was some sort of clear sauce running down his elbows he was enjoying himself so much you must remember that Twigs is a bit of a messy eater but I do not think that that is a bad thing because Twigs is an OK guy no matter who asks me I will tell them that. I unwrapped my burger very slowly because I do not like mess and it looked delicious but I was a little bit afraid of sauce running down my elbows like what was happening to Twigs so I went back to the girl with hair that is blonde and nearly touched it and asked for a knife and fork and she looked at me like myself was some sort of a crazy man but I can assure I am not. And then she gave me a white knife and a white fork wrapped in clear plastic that means it is disposable which is good because I do not want to eat from a knife and fork that somebody else has eaten with even if they are the cleanest person in the world like maybe what that pope is. Twigs had nearly finished his delicious burger and was laughing at what one of the stupid fat ladys kids was doing he was get this banging his head against a metal pole wow that must hurt but he did not even cry I guess he is too stupid or something and then I ate at my burger with my utensils all polite and enjoyed it very much thank you.
Twigs finished his delicious burger and threw the wrapper into the bin because Twigs is very conscientious about nature and so am I because the world is here today and it might not be here tomorrow which would be very sad because then I would not have anywhere to live and nor would Twigs because he lives in my house which would be gone. I played with myself's burger for a long time with my knife because just like always I only ate half of it and one day maybe I will remember that I only ever eat just a little bit because I am not a growing boy any more just ask my mother I stopped that years ago and maybe just maybe next time I will buy a really small burger like a kids burger or something but I am not a kid so I will not. I do not want you to have your current arrangement with my girlfriend Twigs said again and this time I could not pretend that I did not know what he was talking about because I did. Well Twigs old boy I said because I believe that treating everyone with polite is the best way to be and then I said again Well Twigs old boy that is the way it has to be what with you but living in my house at the moment and it is a kind of sort of rent if you know what I mean. And Twigs knew what I meant even though sometimes he likes to disagree with myself which makes me very mad and makes me forget to be polite which is not nice of Twigs so I have to not let him into my house so he must sleep outside in I guess a dumpster or something like that which is funny in a way because dumpsters smell really bad. He had a funny look on his face like what sometimes little kids get when they are not quite sure if they should really be on the toilet or perhaps maybe playing outside still and he closed his eyes and his face was red like a tomato or maybe like a redder thing. Twigs I said rubbing his shoulder in a friendly gesture that was also polite. Twigs you must be strong we can work this out what would you like to instead of that sort of payment because I know you do not have anyway else to pay because you do not have a job what with your crazy temper and you like to punch people when they say nasty things about your girlfriend which they do a lot I do not know why perhaps because she is very friendly with lots of people. Twigs lets me say that sort of thing because he knows that we are best friends and that I am polite and would only ever say that sort of thing to him and maybe sometimes I whisper naughty sounding words into his girlfriends ears but that is part of the payment and surely can not be held against me. Of course Twigs agrees with me that he can not pay me in any other way than with his girlfriend but he says guess what and I say what and he says well I have a fantastic idea that could maybe double as payment instead of my girlfriend for maybe a week or two while I sort something out and I say spit it out man what is it and he says that he cannot tell me in here because walls have ears don't you know.
Then we leave that place and I left my burger for some hungry fellow to eat and just before we left I went back to the girl with blonde hair and touched it real quick like and then ran outside like my pants was on fire or something and ignored her yells because yells are not polite. Twigs said that I was demon funny which I guess means really really funny because maybe demons are funny or something, whatever Twigs has a lot of weird sayings like that and he uses them at all the wrong times. This time we did not even wait for the man to turn green so we could walk we just ran like both our pants were on fire and a car had to skid and stop and luckily it stopped in time otherwise we would have been dead Twigs and dead myself which would have maybe made my mum cry and probably not Twigs' girlfriend because she can find comfort easy. We ran and ran and ran until my chest hurt so much that I thought maybe I was an old man with a heart problem or something and I told Twigs so slow down crazy man I am puffed and he said that yeah he was too so we stopped in a little alley with a dumpster ha I bet that maybe Twigs has slept in this dumpster once or twice but I did not ask because it is not polite to talk about such things. I demanded that Twigs should tell me just what he meant before about some other sort of payment and he said that he knew this guy that had this package that we could deliver to this other guy and we would get a cool 1000 from it which is a lot of money even in my day. Twigs said that there was no catch easy money problems=none and it should be a cinch and I was sort of wary like I thought maybe it was a bad idea and asked him who the guys were and Twigs waved his hand in a way that I thought was effeminate and did not become him at all and Twigs said that they were just guys he knew and they were really good guys hey. I said alright sure why not maybe just this once see what will happen but if something goes bad it is your fault and she becomes my girlfriend for keeps and Twigs protested but finally gave in and said OK and then took a packet out of his pocket and wouldn't you know he had already accepted the job from the first guy the sly devil and now we had to deliver it to somewhere where I did not know where. It was in a seedy part of town that is very very dirty that some people call The Valley on account of it being in a valley which I think is not very clever but hey I do not name places so what do I know. In The Valley you can find all sorts of icky people like drug dealers and prostitutes and fifteen year olds and homeless people with rotten clothes and asians and lesbians with underarm hair and fags that hold hands right there out in the street and people with bad thoughts that aren't very polite but when all is said and told The Valley is not so bad a place after all. Twigs wanted to be there in a hurry which I found odd because he did not care about being speedy gonzales when we were eating food in the place before did he but now he wants to be faster than superman or something so we have to run again and I am tired but I cannot let Twigs know that because then he would think I am weak and maybe he would become the leader of our little group of two which is not ideal. Luckily for us The Valley is not very far away so we do not have to run far but it is still a couple of blocks away which is plenty if you ask me but we were there in record time and sure enough there were all those people what I said before and more even could you believe.
Twigs walked around for a bit while I watched because he was uncertain exactly where this second guy was going to be which made me think that maybe just maybe Twigs did not know the second guy and I hope the second guy is not some sort of a cop or something because then we would be in Trouble and I have been in Trouble only once before for stealing something don't worry it was only little but I still went into the jail for a whole night and it was not fun no sir and I do not want to go back in there not for Twigs and not for anybody. Twigs did not seem to have these sorts of thoughts and ideas in his head because he seemed very nonchalant about the whole process which I almost maybe admired considering that this was the first time he had done such a thing or was it I should ask him about that later on I think. Pretty soon a guy that looked just like the sort of guy we wanted came strolling along like it was some sort of a park with flowers and gardens and fountains and bumped into Twigs and as they bumped I think they switched packages or something because Twigs said alright lets go and so we did. That was almost too easy I thought and I said that to Twigs and he laughed and said that yeah this sort of thing is easy money and I knew he had done it before and I said why you dirty rat why did you never pay me or my mum money before when you obviously had some and I regretted saying dirty rat because that is very not polite but I felt that under the circumstances it was OK. Twigs looked very contrite then and said sorry about a hundred times and took a nice 100 note from what looked to be a big stack of 100s and gave me one and said that that was for being the best friend a guy could ever ask for and I felt a little bit better but then I felt even more better when he gave me a little white pill with a letter stamped on it. He said the E was for Excellent which sounded like a good thing to stand for to me so I put it in my mouth and so did he but of course he had a different pill but it had the same letter on it. Then nothing happened and I felt a bit sad because I expected something to happen and Twigs said it would not happen straight away and it was very funny just how much of a babe in the woods I was about this and I told him with a stern look that he should be respectful not insulting and he was sorry.
Then we went back to my place where my mum lives and on the way home I can admit that I was feeling just the littlest maybe good and I said so to Twigs a few times that I felt good and did he feel good too. Twigs laughed like some sort of a pro which did not make me as mad as I thought it might and I laughed with him and said he was a good sort even for all that. Inside my house it was very neat and tidy because that is the way I like it and my mum was not home because she just loves the flashing machines with pull down handles too much to almost never come home which suits me great. Twigs' girlfriend was asleep on a lounge and I kicked her awake with my foot and laughed and smiled and said she looked radiant which she did and she was groggy from sleeping even though it was like 7 at night and how could she be sleeping and I said for to get a chair or something and sit with us because. But Twigs' was not there it turns out he was in the kitchen getting lots of water because we will need it he said and then when Twigs came back into the room I felt like I loved him which is a bit faggy but I did not say it to his face except a little bit later when I did. His girlfriend thought it was the funniest thing in the whole wide world and asked me just what was wrong because I was not being normal and I said I can not help it I am glowing like a light bulb like some sort of crazy christmas tree when it is not even christmas. Twigs confided into his girlfriend that we had taken a sort of maybe pill that was white and it was myself's first time and that wasn't I such a riot. His girlfriend agreed and snuggled up real close to me while I was glowing and said hey do you want a blowjob or something since you are in such a good mood and I say no way josé I am glowing I do not need your mouth around me just right now but thanks and she sort of pouted but I was too happy to care and I said I loved her. And then oh boy all of a sudden I was so thirsty I just had to drink like maybe a whole bottle of water wow that is a lot in one sitting maybe I am suddenly like hercules or something because I feel great and am glowing did I mention Twigs I love you oh I did. Just then Twigs said the funniest thing I have ever heard ever and I laughed until my sides hurt and then I laughed some more it was so funny but I cannot really repeat it because it was one of those you had to be there jokes and might not be so funny now but then wow. His girlfriend was jumping up and down like a schoolgirl with brown hair and I touched her hair a few times which sometimes she likes and sometimes she does not like but this time she did. She collapsed into my lap all fragile like and I held her and glowed and she said I looked mighty handsome and I said why thank you my dear and I could feel the soft parts of her body pressed against me but I was not interested and passed her over to Twigs but neither was he. Poor his girlfriend whatever was she to do now I do not know because she got all huffety and left and wouldn't you know the door slammed on the way out. Never matter said Twigs and he said then that he loved me and I knew it wasn't in a faggy way and I returned the sentiments.
And then I looked over at the clock and it was like maybe five hours after we had first arrived home and I found this difficult to believe but there it was on the clock and Twigs said that it was real late and we should go to bed like good little indians and I sort of agreed but wanted to stay up even though I was not glowing so much any more and felt a little bit how do you say down in the dumps. Twigs said that that was normal and I told him to get lost and sleep in a dumpster tonight and he had a really hurt expression on his face which did not avail him to me at all. I closed the door in his face and said goodnight and watched him walk away sad through the window and thought that maybe I had treated him roughly after a good fun night but he deserved it because I felt too bad to by sympathetic and then I went into my room and his girlfriend was asleep in my bed in her pyjamas and I woked her up and said that she could give me that blowjob now and she did.