4"Now Josie, I'm going to tell you a story of what Jesus' life was like before he started preaching to people about God. This is how it went:
When Jesus was born in London, England, the tooth fairy came riding in on a magical flying carpet. She came to praise the baby Jesus and give him gifts. She gave Him the gifts of gold, Frankenstein, and myrrh, which is a type of bomb that only explodes after it grants you three wishes. But you see, Jesus couldn't make those three wishes, because he was a boy made of wood. The tooth fairy told Jesus that the only way that he could turn into a real boy, was if he took this magical golden ring to the top of Mt. Gloom, and threw it into the fiery pit. So Jesus set out with Frankenstein to fulfill his dream of becoming a real boy.
On his way, Jesus heard of a man called the Muffin Man. The Muffin Man was the only person who could tell him where Mt. Gloom was. Jesus went around asking everyone he met, 'Do you know the Muffin Man?' and the people would ask back, 'The Muffin Man?'. Jesus reassured them by saying, 'THE MUFFIN MAN!' When he finally found the Muffin Man, he gladly told Jesus that it was just around the river bend. So Jesus followed the river and found Mt. Gloom right there!
So he climbed the side of the mountain, with Frankenstein behind him. But when they got to the top of the mountain, they found Jesus' grandma waiting for them. But it wasn't really his grandma, it was the big bad wolf in disguise! Jesus said, "Grandma, what big eyes you have,"
"All the better to see you with my dear," the wolf replied.
Then Jesus said, "Grandma, what big ears you have."
"All the better to hear you with my dear," the wolf answered simply.
"Grandma, what big muscles you have," Jesus proclaimed.
"All the better to throw the old bag into the fiery pit with my dear!"
And with that, the wolf grabbed Jesus' real grandma and held her over the magma of Mt. Gloom, threatening to throw her into it if Jesus didn't bring him a proper bowl of porridge for him to eat. Jesus didn't want to try any risky business, so he said he would do it.
Him and Frankenstein traveled for a while until they came upon a little cottage in the woods. They went inside and found that there were three bowls of porridge on the table in the kitchen. When Jesus tried the first two, he found the first too hot, and the second too cold. When he tried the third, he found it perfect to what the wolf would want. While he was trying these porridges, Frankenstein tried to sit in one of the wooden chairs in the living room, accidentally breaking it.
They were about to leave, when Jesus noticed some beds in the other room. He was dreadfully tired from walking all that way, so he went to go take a quick nap. The first one was a spring mattress, and very uncomfortable. The other one was made of pure foam, and Jesus sank right into it. When he tried the third, he found that it was made from Serta. It was wonderful. But the Serta sheep weren't very happy about it. They called the three bears that owned the cottage on their Verizon cell-phones. But of course, the connection is horrible out in the middle of the woods, so the sheep had to keep saying, 'Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now?'. When the bears got the message, they came and threw Jesus and Frankenstein out of the cottage. That night, the sheep and the bears had a party. But the sheep never called Little Bo Peep to tell her they were at the party. She was very stressed when she couldn't find them. But that's beside the point.
When Jesus and Frankenstein got back to Mt. Gloom, the wolf was outraged to find that the porridge had become stale and cold. He was about to throw Jesus' grandma into the fiery pit, when a boy around the age of seventeen came in and chopped off the wolf's head. Now he said his name was the woodsman, but we all know that he was Link from the Legend of Zelda game. So Jesus threw the ring into the pit and he became a real boy.
While he and Frankenstein were traveling home, they came upon a weird man who said that he wanted to put Jesus on a television show. Jesus was glad to. The man said that the name of the show was called 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?'. So Jesus went onto the show, won the fastest finger, and won the million dollars with the his knowledge of the trick question: Is the answer to this question A. c, B. b, C. d, or D. a? Jesus quickly answered, 'The answer is E. 47.'
So with some of his money, he bought himself and Frankenstein a ticket on American Airlines to go home. When they got home, Jesus finally made his three wishes. They were that his snowman would come to life, that reindeer could fly, and for his two front teeth back.
Then, one night as he lie in bed, Jesus got a visit from a little boy who flew in his window, threw pixie dust on Jesus and told him to fly off and see the world. So Jesus did. He even flew over to where the wolf's funeral was going on. The third little pig was grinning from ear to ear because the wolf that killed his brothers was finally dead. Jesus paid his respects and took off around the world.
Half way home, he saw that the pixie dust was starting to wear off, so he landed quickly. He asked if anyone could help him. A delightful woman said that Jesus could borrow her magical flying umbrella, but that he had to bring it to her house in London before she had tea with the Mad Hatter and the Hare. So Jesus flew home.
When he got back, he saw that there was a message on his answering machine. When he played it, it was scratchy and went something like this: ' ...Crrrrcrrrr.I am your father...Crrrrcrrrr. I am God. Call me sometime at 777-7777.' End of final message. And that is how Jesus began to preach to the people of the world.
The End