Rated: K+, English, Humor & Fantasy, Words: 349, Published: 6/17/2004
If Death had a commercial, it would be shown really late at night. Probably on a channel that no one really cares about. He'd be holding his scythe, of course, but wearing a silvery bow tie tightly around his neck. The backdrop would be a green field with a clear blue sky and little children running about. He'd start off by just standing there admiring the surroundings and say, "Ah, to be young again." After that, he would look at the viewer and say, "Oh, hello. I am Death. I'm just here to remind of your mortality." After saying this he will begin to walk into a different frame that looks like an executive's office. Through the windows there is the field and children outside. "Though we've probably never met before," he continues, sitting on the corner of his desk and resting his scythe across his lap, "we are destine to someday. Now, you're probably thinking: 'Why do I have to die?' Well, the truth is you all do. And here's how." At this moment a list of ways people can die will speed very rapidly up the screen and stop at 'and much, much more!'. This line will flash repeatedly above Death's head and he will continue yet again, "So, if any of these events befall you, you are sure to see me. And I guarantee I'll be there at that moment or death or your life back!" In small print at the bottom of the screen it will say 'For 1-5 years only'. He will keep right on talking however, "If you have any questions or would like to see that list again, call 1-800-666-Dead." The number will replace the small print. He will then point a bony finger at the viewer and say, "Maybe I'll be seeing you real soon." A catchy little jiggle will play when this slogan is spoken. Fade to black for the next commercial.