As each day passes,

I sit here on my ass,

thinking of ways to escape.

I discover massive amounts

of hidden bases,

covered with blankets in shame.

Are these discarded scraps

of ideas,

forgotten?

Because of my search,

which proved utterly useless,

I actually took a few steps

in the opposite direction.

Once covered in light

now I'm shrouded in dark.

I'm sitting down,

afraid to stand up.

My heart,

it beats are sinking low.

i can feel its drums

slowly dieing down.

I'm painted with shadows

unable to crawl,

unable to move at all,

there are no steps now,

nothing for me

to walk forward on.

My legs feel like deflated balloons,

they too,

have lost their colors.

Not even that sign of blue,

which usually indicates

that I have a chance

to be saved.

Do I listen

to all of those voices

that have held me back

or let me forward?

Do I consume the bad

or I demolish it?

Burning it away,

visualizing it,

happening within my head;

the evil burns to ash,

but it doesn't die.

Where is the good

in all of this?

Has the train,

standing with arrogant pride,

before my feet,

left at all?

Is this room I created

just one big illusion?

Fabricated so I could just

fuck with myself

like this?

I've seen that I could,

even for one day,

be happy to live again.

And yet I have seen

myself go through this

dark depth,

millions of times,

all of them

the same as the last.

Yet I can't stop it,

whats wrong

with my mental projection?

Was it smashed to bits

a long time ago?

I laugh at the sight

of my hands scribbling,

because I know,

its something that will be.

Be turning into something,

something so beautiful,

maybe I am a blooming flower?

And I'm sleeping inside

a beautifully gorgeous garden,

then again,

maybe I'm covered in fires

all damn day.

I guess I'll just live in both,

like I usually do,

it'll be tough for sure,

but at least this will mean

I have an identity,

a gray area,

to hide inside.

Maybe I won't need to,

need to hide.

because if I keep hiding

and not talking

then there is no path for walking.

No path for me,

no gravel road

for my feet to cross.

So I must awaken,

all over again.

only this time,

I'll be more determined,

to use my voice

to be myself

and the man

I'm growing up to be.

Then,

and only then, will I be able,

to take another step.