1I sit here on my ass,
thinking of ways to escape.
I discover massive amounts
of hidden bases,
covered with blankets in shame.
Are these discarded scraps
of ideas,
forgotten?
Because of my search,
which proved utterly useless,
I actually took a few steps
in the opposite direction.
Once covered in light
now I'm shrouded in dark.
I'm sitting down,
afraid to stand up.
My heart,
it beats are sinking low.
i can feel its drums
slowly dieing down.
I'm painted with shadows
unable to crawl,
unable to move at all,
there are no steps now,
nothing for me
to walk forward on.
My legs feel like deflated balloons,
they too,
have lost their colors.
Not even that sign of blue,
which usually indicates
that I have a chance
to be saved.
Do I listen
to all of those voices
that have held me back
or let me forward?
Do I consume the bad
or I demolish it?
Burning it away,
visualizing it,
happening within my head;
the evil burns to ash,
but it doesn't die.
Where is the good
in all of this?
Has the train,
standing with arrogant pride,
before my feet,
left at all?
Is this room I created
just one big illusion?
Fabricated so I could just
fuck with myself
like this?
I've seen that I could,
even for one day,
be happy to live again.
And yet I have seen
myself go through this
dark depth,
millions of times,
all of them
the same as the last.
Yet I can't stop it,
whats wrong
with my mental projection?
Was it smashed to bits
a long time ago?
I laugh at the sight
of my hands scribbling,
because I know,
its something that will be.
Be turning into something,
something so beautiful,
maybe I am a blooming flower?
And I'm sleeping inside
a beautifully gorgeous garden,
then again,
maybe I'm covered in fires
all damn day.
I guess I'll just live in both,
like I usually do,
it'll be tough for sure,
but at least this will mean
I have an identity,
a gray area,
to hide inside.
Maybe I won't need to,
need to hide.
because if I keep hiding
and not talking
then there is no path for walking.
No path for me,
no gravel road
for my feet to cross.
So I must awaken,
all over again.
only this time,
I'll be more determined,
to use my voice
to be myself
and the man
I'm growing up to be.
Then,
and only then, will I be able,
to take another step.