Chapter 8


No reaction.

"Lynn!" My mum shouted from downstairs again.


"It's Nicky on the phone for you!"

"I don't wanna talk to him!"

"Lynn, you have to talk to him sometime."

"I'm still asleep! It's New Year's Morning, for Christ's sake!"

"Shall I tell him to call you later?"

"Do whatever you want!" I replied and turned around to lie on my back. I wanted to go to sleep again, but I couldn't. Instead I tried to open my eyes, but that I couldn't either. They were closed with sleep. The kind of sleep that appears in the night and sticks your eyes together when you've been crying a lot.

But had I been crying? I didn't remember… Oh yes, after a few seconds I did. Then it all came back to me, and I started crying all over again. My whole world was in ruins. I'd never get through the heart-ache, and I'd never find someone like him again. Within only one second all my dreams about a happy life had been crushed. And I was only sixteen! I was sure I'd never be able to love someone that way again. I could only love Nicky, and now he had left me for some other girl. Who had she been, by the way? Oh, yeah… That blonde beauty from his class. What was her name? Joy? She was such a… No, I had no right to think that way about her. I would've done the same thing to get Nicky, if I were her.

But what was it with these blondes? Did they just go around attracting everybody including each other? I suddenly blamed it all on my colour of hair. Nicky couldn't love me because my hair was brown. Yes, that was it. Maybe I should just dye it. And satisfy Nicky? No way! Not after the way he had treated me. If he couldn't love me with brown hair, then I didn't care. Actually, I couldn't care less about him than I did right now. How could I, as he was the least person in the whole world I wanted to see? No, I was over him. Definitely. I had probably never really loved him. I couldn't have. No, not when I wished that I was a thousand miles away from him…

"Knock, knock!" Someone said and entered my room.

"Go away!" I said and hid my face underneath my sleeping quilt.

The person, who had come into my room sat down beside me on the bed.

"Do you realise what time it is?" Nicky said and I felt him laying a hand on the quilt on the spot that covered my shoulder.

"I don't care!" I said childishly and kept beneath the quilt.

"Lynn, come on! I just wanna talk to you."

"Then talk." I mumbled.

"Lynn, will you please look at me?"

Slowly I removed the quilt from my face and looked at a Nicky, who seemed almost as miserable as me.

"So, I'm looking at you. What did you wanna say?" I decided to be cold and fierce. I knew I'd break down and cry if I wasn't.

"That I…" Nicky looked away as if he was ashamed.

"No, wait a minute! Before you continue, can you please do me a favour?"

"Sure." He said and awaited my request.

"Hand me the remote control, will you?"

He looked questioningly at me, but did as I said. I know I was mean, but I couldn't help turning on my stereo, 'cause I knew 'Last Christmas' was in the CD player.

"Lynn, honestly…!"

Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away…

Nicky took the remote control from me and turned it off.

"Stop it, Lynn!" He sounded rather hysterical, and I regretted at once. Seeing him hurt as much as he obviously did, didn't make me feel any better. Only worse. A lot worse. I didn't say anything, though.

"I'm…I'm really sorry!" He began.

I remained silent.

"I'm not good at apologising. - Not that an apology would ever be enough, but…"

"Nicky," I interrupted, "just tell me one thing… Did you…" I almost couldn't say the words. "…did you sleep with her?"

He looked away, but I reached to see the pain in his eyes. He was unable to speak.

"I…" I tried, but the tears found their way to my eyes and then down my cheeks again, and I didn't finish my sentence.

"Lynn, I'm…" Nicky now tried. He looked at me again. He, too, was crying. "I'm so, so sorry! I don't know what to say, except you're still the one that I want!"

"Will you…" I said through my tears. "…please leave? I'd like you to leave me now."

"No, Lynn, I won't leave you! And I don't want you to leave me! Please let me stay! I'll do anything you ask me to! Even listen to 'Last Christmas' 24/7 if I have to. Just please, PLEASE don't make me leave you!"

"I'm not saying it's forever. I just… I just wanna be alone right now. I can… I can call you when I feel like talking to you again. Right now you're not exactly my most favourite person in the world!"

"I guess I understand that. Will you promise to call me? I really need you to listen. To hear my reasons, though no reason would be good enough. Please?!"

"I'll…I'll think about it."

He sighed a kind of relieved sigh.

"Thanks. I'll leave you then… But only for now!"

He bend down to kiss my forehead, and I turned away.

"Not now, Nicky. Don't make it harder."

"Sorry." He said and got up. "I… I hope I'll see you soon!"

I just turned to lie on the side so I wouldn't have to see him leave.

A few days went by, and Nicky called me at least twice. I refused to answer the phone, though my mum kept telling me how ridiculous I was, 'cause they could all see that I wanted to talk to him and to be with him again. I screamed at her and told her that she didn't know what it was like, 'cause she just lived her boring life with dad and us kids. I think I nearly got grounded again for speaking that way to her, but she must have felt pity for me, 'cause she persuaded my dad not to ground me after all.

It took me several days to find out what to do. I didn't even know if I did the right thing, but after almost having ignored Nicky for three days at school, I decided to go see him.

"Is Nicky in?" I asked as his sister opened the door.

"Yes, do come in. He'll be happy to see you."

I tried to smile, but I think I failed. She looked as if she felt pity for me too, and I couldn't really stand it anymore. It wasn't her, of course, it was the fact that everywhere I went people had heard what had happened, and they all looked at me like I was going to die from some sort of serious disease. I wasn't, though I sometimes felt like it.

Nicky was in his room when I got in. He had been lying on his back listening to some music (sad love songs, I noticed) and jumped up when I entered his room. He immediately switched from the CD to the radio, which played happier music than the CD player.

"Hi." He said and didn't know what to do.

"Hi." I replied and stayed in the doorway. None of us said anything for a while. We just looked at each other. God, how I wanted to run to him and hold him and make him hold me too. But I didn't. I stayed where I was.

"Would you… Would you like to come in?" He asked and offered me to sit on his bed.

"Yeah… I suppose so." I said and walked over to his bed and sat down. "Don't you wanna sit down, too?"

"Oh, yes. Of course." He said and sat down. He seemed nervous and didn't come too close.

"I think we need to talk." I began.

"We do." He agreed and went on. "I've been thinking a lot these past days, and I still don't know how to convince you that I regret what I did, and that I still want you. And only you."

"Nicky, wait!" I said and shook my head in despair. Maybe I didn't know what to say after all. "I want you to know that I'm not mad at you. I know why you did it, and I think I understand."

"What?! No, you don't. I don't even understand it myself. I just know it hurts so damned much to know that I hurt you, and I'd never ever do anything like that again. I promise you. I wouldn't do it again."

"It's alright. You don't have to promise anything you can't keep."


"Nicky, you want something I can't give you yet, and I accept that. I…I still…" I had tried so hard not to cry, but I couldn't hold back the tears anymore.

"Lynn, don't say that!" Nicky said and leaned out to take me in his arms. I let go and let him hold me for a while. It felt so nice. So comforting. How could I ever live without that?

"I don't need anything you can't give me." He whispered. "And if you're talking about… sex, then I swear I can live without it. It'd be much worse to have to live without you!"

"I'm not talking about sex. I could…kinda give you that…but… I'm still so young and inexperienced… with everything, not only sex. And you're older and you know about everything, and…"

"I don't know about everything. I didn't know how bad it'd feel to hurt the one I love, did I? I know now, though."

"But you know much more than I do."

"Like what? School stuff, maybe, but apart from that…"

"About life. About love. Boys and girls. Just stuff… Important stuff. Stuff that I still have to learn about."

"But I can teach you!"

"Yeah…maybe you could, but it wouldn't be fair to make you do that."

"What? I wouldn't mind. Not at all. I'd be happy to be there for you."

"It wouldn't be fair to any of us. I'm not what you need. You shouldn't be with me. You should be with someone like… Joy!"

"What? NO! She's nothing for me. Lynn, I was only drunk. Way too drunk! I know it's not an excuse, but that's the reason why. You were mad at me, and I felt terrible, and she was there, and…"

"…She was there and she could give you what I couldn't! And I'm still not talking about sex. She's grown up - I'm not. And you're grown-up…kind of! I'd wish I'd met you when we were both older. Then maybe…"

"What are you saying? That I'm too old for you?"

"No, I'm saying that I'm too young for you."

"But I don't think you are!"

"I do. I know I am. If we had only met in five years' time or so…"

"No, Lynn, please don't do this to me…!"

He was still holding me close, and now he tugged me even more in. I, on the other hand, tried to move a little away.

"I'm… I'm sorry, Nicky. I really am. I'd just wish…"

"I promise you I'll never do it to you again. I'll never even think of another woman. And I'll never drink again! I despise alcohol! If it hadn't been for alcohol, you wouldn't have wanted to leave me…"

"Nicky! Please! This has got nothing to do with alcohol! And I don't want to leave you. I have to."

I got up, and Nicky followed me. His face was red from crying, and my own probably wasn't any better. Right now, though, I was the most controlled of us.

"Are you… Are you saying that it's over?" Nicky cried while standing up, looking as if he was ready to go catch me if I decided to run off.

"I… I think I am, yes."

"NO!" He cried and I was afraid he'd fall down on his knees to beg me to stay. He didn't.

"I'm sorry, Nicky, but that's the way it is. We weren't meant to be."

"What if…"

"If what?"

"…If we waited, like, a year or so… Would it be better then?"

"Don't do that to yourself…"

"I'm serious!"

I turned around ready to leave his room. Forever. To leave this house. To leave him.

"Lynn!" He almost screamed my name. I stopped, but I didn't turn around again. "Let me at least follow you to the door."

I let him, and our goodbye was the hardest part. It would've been a lot easier, if he had stayed in his room, so I would've had to leave without anyone to say goodbye to, but I don't think he wanted to make it easy for me.

"Lynn?" He asked as I was about to leave.


"Can I have just one last kiss?"

"No, I don't think that would be wise."

"But look up."

I looked up and saw some mistletoe that hadn't been taken down after Christmas yet.

"I guess… I guess then I have to let you." I said and feared the moment he'd kiss me more than anything.

"Yeah… You have to."

He laid his arms around my neck and leaned forward to kiss me. As our lips touched, I felt this thing in my stomach turning up and down. I didn't know whether I was feeling pain or pleasure, but I did feel something. The kiss was so… perfect… if it hadn't been for the fact that it never should've taken place at all.

"Nicky! It's enough now!" I said afraid of what I might do if he kept kissing me like that. I'd probably just give in to him, and I couldn't do that. Not now. Not at any time.

"So is this goodbye?" He asked not wanting to let me go.

"Yeah… Take care of yourself."

"But I'll see you at school?"

"I guess so."

"You take care too, promise?"

"Ya." I said and turned away from him. I couldn't bear to see him like that. I couldn't bear to see him at all. So I started walking.

I knew he was still standing there on the doorstep waiting for me to turn around. Those steps I took were probably the hardest I had ever taken, and all the time I wanted to turn around and come running back to him. I wanted to throw myself in his arms and let him know how sorry I was. That I'd never leave him again. But I didn't.

Inside of me this struggle was going on and on, but I kept on walking. I had had my first love experience.

A/N: Yeah, I know. Shame on me for making Nicky behave like that. And shame on me for letting Lynn dump him. I just think that's what I would've done if my boyfriend had cheated on me. Anyway, if you want to read the sequel you'll have to write and ask me nicely about it, as it takes place after Nicky got famous and, therefore, can't be rewritten as a non-fanfiction, and so I can't post it here.

Review, please!

- The Definition