A/N: I wrote this based off my friend Anoney Mouse's global homework. Beware, historical innaccuracy ahoy! Complete and utter insanity!

Sing, ye three Greek philosophers! Sing Socrates, soft music and rap! Sing Plato, rock and rap! Sing Aristotle, buttons and rap! They, like Homer (who did something to be known in Greece), do tell a tale of tales to be told!

In A Place With Stuff And More Places Of Buttons (which was surrounded by water), Alexander the Great was sitting in a theatre, watching the latest play of Aristophanes, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Buttons. Alexander wondered what he was doing at a play, him being a war hero of the Hellenistic civilization (which was composed of cultures and buttons and Benny Gammerman). A eunuch tripped and fell onstage as Alexander left.

As Alexander the Great (in bed) left, a hot pink toad became roadkill on the Circus Maximus. However, that was in Rome, and this was A Place With Stuff And More Places Of Buttons.

"Alexander!" called a voice. Alexander turned to see Julius Caesar waving at him.

"Hello Julie dahling!" Alexander smiled, giving Julius a manly handshake and a peck on the cheek.

"What's shakin?"

"I'm going to the Senate."

The Senate was a restaurant named after the owner, Sen, who ate.

"Would you like to join me?"


Alexander and Julius went on their way. In The Senate, they sat down. Julius, who was also a general, and a flaming homosexual, ordered a salad.

He always ordered salads, and when they would be brought to him, the waiter would say "Here's your salad, Caesar."

However, today, the waiter made a mistake.

"Here's your Caesar Salad."

And thusly, the Caesar Salad was born.

"Who's that?" Alexander pointed at a man in the marketplace.

"Jesus Christ!"

"What's wrong?"

"No, that man. His name is Jesus Christ. Damn hippie. He has a freaky deaky fan club of girls and he calls himself God. He says… oh no, he's coming over. Don't make eye contact, or he won't shut up! …too late."

Jesus maneuvered his way over to the table and grabbed a chair.

"OH MY GOD!" screamed a blonde woman when he entered.

"Yes?" Jesus smiled.

The blonde woman washed Jesus's feet with her hair.

Jesus ignored her and turned to Julius. "Hey Julius, who's your friend?"

"I'm Alexander."

"Alexander What?"

"Just Alexander."

"No last name?"

"Umm… The Great?"

"Never heard of ya."


"Anyway, Julius, I think I'm making real progress with my religion."

"Why are you even starting a religion in the first place?" Julius looked up from his salad.

"Well duh, I heard that if you start your own religion, you don't have to pay taxes!"

Alexander looked up. "Why don't you just conquer the country and rape their men? …I mean, women… yes, women… I like the girls… I promise… I'LL BE A MAN, DADDY, I PROMISE!" Alexander burst into tears.

Julius blinked.

"There, there, Brother Alexander." Jesus patted Alexander's shoulder. "Jesus loves you."

"But we only just met!"

"Not THAT way. I mean, Jesus will take care of you, no matter who or what you are."

"Why are you speaking in the third person?"

"It sounds so much cooler." With that, Jesus waved and disappeared in a flash of holy blessed light.

"Drama queen…" muttered Julius. "He's SO faking it. Just like last night."

Alexander decided it was safer not to ask.

Miles and miles away, Augustus Caesar, Julius's evil twin, launched his reform efforts that helped enhance the Empire's health. He gave it cough drops. His two evil henchmen, Princess Olga, the German Manlady from Russia, and Vladimir, who wore a furry hat, hurried up to him.

"Heh-ello, Augustus." Said Princess Olga.

"Hello, you freaky deaky German Manlady from Russia. Come closer, Vladimir, let me pet your hat."

The two Russians crowded around Augustus.

"Vhat is your vill, my master?"

"First, that you shave that unibrow, Olga. Second, that Vladimir tries using shampoo."

"Yes master. Anything elsssse?"

"Yes…" Evil Augustus smiled. "I have a plot. It is a good plot. Good in the sense that it will be bad. As in it will be a good plot to do bad things, not a bad plot to do good things, or a good plot to do things badly, or a bad plot that works out badly or a plot that…"


"Okay then. So go, do my bidding!"

"You hah-ven't told oos yet vhat to do, master."

"…I was just…testing you… yeeeees… My plot is to take over A Place With Stuff And More Places Of Buttons! MWOAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- *cough* *hack* *wheeze* -HAHAHA!"

"But master!" Vladimir exclaimed, "A Place Vith Stuff And More Places Ooof Buttons is currently

occupied by Alexander zee Great (in bed)! And…"

"Julius Caesar. I know. He is my twin. My good twin. But now, he shall fall…"

Julius smiled at Alexander. "So, what now?"

"I don't really know. Wanna go back to your place?"

"Can't, I've got to go see the Emperor." He waved a piece of parchment.

"Might I join you? I've nothing better to do, and feel terribly unsafe alone after meeting that Jesus guy."

"Speak of the devil!"

There was a puff of smoke, and a man dressed all in black with red skin and little pointy horns appeared.

He cackled. "Hello."

"Umm… hi?"

"Sorry to disturb you lads, just had to watch me handywork, alright?"


Jesus ran into the marketplace. He was dressed in a large coat with a rainbow and blue sequins stitched on. He twirled around for a bit. There was the sound of hurried footsteps, and a man appeared.


"NEVER!" screamed Jesus, hugging the coat tightly.




The man, called Joseph, lunged at Jesus. Jesus tackled the man to the ground and began punching him. Joseph kneed Jesus in a rather sensitive spot, and Jesus rolled off him. Joseph then grabbed the coat and began tugging.


"MINE!" Jesus screamed, grabbing a chair and slamming it on Joseph's head.

Julius and Alexander blinked.

"So, shall we go see what the Emperor wants?" Julius asked.

"Right." Alexander and Julius hurried off, while Jesus Christ continued to deliver smackdown on Joseph's ass.

Julius and Alexander opened the doors to the Great Palace of Buttons, and were shown by a guard to the Emperor's chambers.

"Hail, Emperor Justin…ina…n." Julius raised his hand in greeting.

Emperor Justinan was gender-confused.

"Um, Hail." Alexander raised his hand as well.

"Oh, hello boys! I baked some cookies!" The Emperor was clad in black fishnet stockings, a black leather mini-skirt, a pink tube top, thigh-high boots, and a large golden Peace Medallion. On his head, he wore a pink tiara. He held in one hand a plate of cookies, and in the other, a pair of handcuffs.

"Would you like some cookies, my sweet, sweet things?" Justinian purred.

"Umm, maybe later." Julius said. "You see, I received this summon…"

"Oh yes! Of course, hold on." Justinian pranced over to his desk and put down the handcuffs and cookies, taking up a sheet of paper. "You see, my babydoll, I'm afraid we have some rather bad news. You know your evil twin, Augustus? He's apparently going to try and take over our lovely empire! Now, we can't have that, can we? So I summoned you and Alex here to help me."

"Umm… Sir? Ma'am? Umm… Justinian?" Alexander raised his hand. "I never received a summon. I just followed Julius here."

"You didn't? I'm so sure I wrote you one…" He suddenly reached into his pink tube top and pulled out a piece of lavender paper. "Ah! Here you are, cutie!"

Alexander took a step back. "Well, since I'm already here I don't need it…"

"All right then… So I summoned you three…"

"There's only two of us, Justinian."

"Ah, where could your partner be? Hmm…"

The door suddenly slammed open, and a beast with long, brown, shaggy hair all over his body, horns, claws, and three heads appeared. He stalked down the hall, up to Emperor Justinian, and gave a nod.

"Alex, Julie, this is your partner, Fluffy."

Fluffy cleared his three throats.

"Ah yes, Fluffy. And his ferocious balls of steel."

Fluffy nodded his three heads.

Julius and Alexander stared.

"Now, Fluffy here is the commander of the Grand Button Army, as I'm sure you all know."

"Well, I know that the Grand Button Army is entirely composed of bulimic transvestites." Alexander muttered.

Fluffy turned his three heads and glared at Alexander. He growled deep in his throats and cracked his knuckles. Alexander gulped.

"They may be a Grand Bulimic Transvestite Button Army, but they're the best in the empire." Julius explained.

"Well, it explains our population decrease. People are getting grossed out and are leaving."

"Enough squabbling you two, or I shall have to whip you!" Justinian pouted. "Now, I don't want to give up my tiara! It's so pink and sparkly… So you macho-men better get your cute butts into gear and go kick some Augustus fanny!"

Augustus smiled evilly at his handywork. He had stolen the Pope's army of squirrels, and was ready to invade A Place With Stuff And More Places Of Buttons.

"Princess Olga! Vladimir! Come, my evil minions!"

Princess Olga and Vladimir hurried up.

"Ah, I see you shaved your unibrow, Olga. Very nice. As for you, Vladimir, I recommend Herbal Essences next time."

"Master, about zee invasion…"

"Now is not the time, Princess Olga. I must make my speech." He turned to the Pope's army of squirrels.

"Friends! Squirrels! Rodents! Lend me your ears!"

Miles away, Marc Antony frowned. "YOU STOLE MY LINE, YOU BASTARD!"

"Now is the day that we shall conquer A Place With Stuff And More Places Of Buttons! We shall live in a New World, where squirrels and humans might live in harmony!" Augustus didn't add that his idea of 'harmony' was skinning the squirrels and roasting them on a spit. "Now, to WAR! CHARGE!"

The squirrel army began to march.

Alexander and Julius were decked out in full battle armor. Fluffy and his ferocious balls of steel were pacing up and down before the Grand Bulimic Transvestite Button Army.

"Umm, Fluffy? Might I give a pre-battle speech?" Alexander asked.

"Me too!" Julius added.

Fluffy nodded his three heads.

"Right, me first." Alexander said. "Listen my friends, I have done as I said, I have been to their lines, I have slept with each man. I will tell what I can. Better be warned, they have armies to spare, and the danger is real. We will need all our cunning to bring them to heel."

"Have faith!" Exclaimed Julius. "If you know what their movements are we'll spoil their game, there are ways that Bulimic Transvestite Buttons can fight, we shall overcome their power!"

The Grand Bulimic Transvestite Button Army cheered, not realizing that Alexander and Julius's "pre-battle speech" was really a bunch of lines stolen from the hit musical Les Misérables.

"Your turn, Fluffy." Alexander said, smiling.

"And your ferocious balls of steel." Added Julius.

Fluffy paced up and down in front of the Grand Bulimic Transvestite Button Army. He cracked his knuckles, and his three necks. He then bared his fangs and glared. He glared with such ferocity that even his ferocious balls of steel got a little nervous. He glared like none had ever glared before. He glared until Julius swooned, and even Alexander felt a little weak in the knees. Then, with a grunt, he turned, unsheathed his sword, and charged.

"TO WAR!" shouted Alexander and Julius, and the cry was echoed by the army.

The armies clashed and swarmed together in an intricate dance of gore, a ballet of dismemberment, if you will. The squirrels were fierce, the bulimic transvestite buttons were frightening. It seemed as if none would win, that the two opposing forces would be locked against each other for all eternity, or destroy each other in a matter of minutes, leaving no survivors.

Suddenly, Fluffy (and his ferocious balls of steel) jumped into the fray and began battling both Vladimir and Princess Olga.

"You cannot vin, silly doggie man!" sneered Vladimir.

Fluffy opened his mouth.

"Boo." He said.

"It… it speaks! RUN AVAY! RUN AVAY!"

Fluffy glared his terrible glare.


Instantly, the squirrel army began their retreat, as the Grand Bulimic Transvestite Button Army began shouting victoriously "HUZZAH! HUZZAH! HUZZAH! HUZZAH!"

Fluffy looked triumphant. His ferocious balls of steel were itchy.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO! He can't win! NOOOOOOOOOO!" Augustus, enraged, pulled out his sword and attacked his twin.

They did great battle for many minutes, in a sequence remarkably similar to that of Pirates of the Caribbean, until Julius finally managed to trap Augustus between himself and a rather large, bulky, conveniently-placed bookshelf in the middle of the battlefield.

"Do you surrender, Augustus?"

He pouted. "I suppose so."

The buttons once more took up their cheering. "HUZZAH! HUZZAH! HUZZAH! HUZZAH!"

And that is the tale of Julius Caesar, Alexander the Great, Jesus Christ, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, Satan, Emperor Justinan, Princess Olga, Vladimir, Augustus Caesar, the Pope's squirrel army, the Grand Bulimic Transvestite Button Army, Fluffy, and his ferocious balls of steel.

May their names be never forgotten, their deeds be never unsung, nor their chests be never unwaxed.