I was happy. Here we were, just me and my boyfriend, and maybe a few extra people, seeing as how it -was- an amusement park, and we were having -fun-. He got me all sorts of things. Currently I was tucked under his arm, tearing off chunks of the cotton candy he had surprised me with and placing them in my mouth to let them melt. It had been such a long time since I'd had cotton candy - not since I lived with my folks, and that had been a while. I knew he was smiling at me as we sat on the train that ran around the park nonstop, resting our poor legs. He had actually let me drag him around from place to place, allowing my usually suppressed energy to run rampant for just this once. The thought depressed me for a moment, but I forced myself to be happy again. After all, today I had a reason to.

I offered him a piece, but he declined. He never liked sweet things, but he claimed I was sweet enough to replace anything the world could throw at him.

Well, he said that in the beginning.

I looked up at him, puzzled. I had no idea why he was in such a good mood today - but I was in no position to protest against it, since I had wished it ever since it all began. Three years, and finally, it was happening. He noticed me looking at him and he smiled, asking me if I was happy. I told him it was the best day of my life. He pat my middle and kissed me on the forehead. He said 'good' and looked out the window at the scenery.

I followed his gaze for a few moments, frowned, then went back to decimating my food before it became a sticky mess all over my hands, not like it wasn't already.

We went on all sorts of rides. I liked the roller coaster and the Ferris wheel the best. I could feel the wind through my hair as I sped along the track next to him, squeaking with every dip, turn, rise, and loop that came from nowhere. But then, I loved the slow ascent with his warmth pressed close to my side, my head on his shoulder and our fingers entwined. The bumper cars were fun - I liked them because they made him laugh, and that made me laugh. The spinning rides made us both sick, so we stayed away from them. The rides that took you up real high and then dropped you had long lines I didn't want to wait through.

We played games and he got me a T-shirt and two stuffed animals. As a joke, he won me a framed Brittany Spears picture and we took it out to a less populated area and smashed it. We shared a mutual hatred for girls, and loathed Spears like no other. I called her a bimbo and he called her a skank. It was funny and I felt good afterwards.

There was so much to do. I didn't think I would have enough time to do it all, but he was patient and followed along with every idea that went through my head. That was what made me the happiest. For once, he wasn't brooding or yelling at me. He wasn't hitting me or hurting me. I wished everyday could be like this. I loved him.

He looked at me with a funny expression on his face. He asked me what I was thinking. I smiled at him and said I was thinking about how much I loved him. He gave me a sad smile, but before I could turn his question on him, he said he was up for a game of laser tag. At a loss for words, I stared at him. He blinked and smiled, then took my hand, gently tugging me in the direction of the parking lot. I said nothing as we left the amusement park, but I wasn't sad to leave it behind - I had had fun, but what had made me happiest, beyond anything an amusement park could offer, was him.

We had fun playing laser tag. We met another couple there and teamed up against them. He never once glared at me when I giggled and exposed our positions more than once, getting us shot. He just smiled. Sweaty, and full of grins, we left, thanking the other couple for a good time. I looked over at my boyfriend.

He smiled that strange smile he'd had on all day, and for once it made me nervous. He made me forget it, though, when he asked me if I wanted some ice cream. He knows I love ice cream. Not more than him, of course. He treated me to a vanilla sundae with little M&M's and hot fudge all over it and got himself some french fries. Once again, I point out he didn't like sweet things.

I captured his leg under the table between my own as we sat across from each other in the booth and forced it to swing back and forth with me. He smiled as he ate his french fries and I grinned as I ate my ice cream. I remember, in the beginning, that he told me I must have eaten a lot of sweet things to have become so sweet myself. I frowned. That was in the beginning. Shaking my head mentally, I slapped a smile on my lips. Was it just my imagination or did he wince when I frowned?

We left the parlor and spent the rest of the evening wandering around town hand in hand. I talked most of the time, but even I fell silent once or twice, just absorbed in the pleasant feelings. Finally, though, when he noticed I had just begun to shiver, we went back to the car and he drove us to our apartment. As we rode the service elevator he pulled me into a hug so my back touched his chest. I was just short enough so he could rest his chin on the top of my head. I smiled and let my hands rest on his arms as they wrapped around me. He was so warm.

By the time we finally got to our door, he had begun kissing me. I didn't know it was possible, but I was even happier.

When we actually made it over the threshold, and I accidentally turned on the radio, girl whispering 'surfing on a rocket' into the room accompanied by a storm of calm sound, he pushed me against the wall softy and held me close for a moment as he kissed the living hell out of me. I don't think that's happened for years... I felt wetness on my cheeks, first one then the other, and wondered if I was so happy I had begun to cry.

Then... I can't believe it.

He said he was leaving. I thought he meant he was leaving for a moment. I thought he meant he was coming right back. But he disentangled himself from me, grabbed a duffel bag, already packed with clothes, I guess, and made for the door. He paused. I was still shocked. He meant he was leaving... me.

He told me.. to find someone better.

No... He was out the door by the time I sank to my knees, limp all of a sudden. I noticed the radio was on. Did I turn it on? I remembered that I did.

"I'm on my way... surfing on a rocket..."

I had brought out my artillery automatically, my weapons against myself before he came along to save me. I was on my knees in front of the speaker, the razors laying innocently before me. I raised my hand to trace the path that wetness from before had taken. Tears. But not mine.

"5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0..."

It hurt. It hurt more than his abuse. At least when he kicked or hit me I knew he was mine. I knew he was still there and I wasn't alone.

"No one can stop me to go..."

Was this why everything had been wonderful today? Why he had been so sweet, caring, just like when I first met him? Was he setting me up just to make it feel I was dying? Didn't he know I already knew what that felt like? I had to get my stomach pumped too many times on account of drug overdoses. I'd been under suicide watch most of my life, bandages on my wrists, neck, and thighs. My mother had walked into the bathroom and screamed when she found her son submerged under water, not breathing.

But this was so much worse.

"You'll never see me again."

It was so much worse, so much worse.

"You'll never see me again..."

I started in on my wrists. This time there would be no one to stop me. He wasn't coming back.

I wasn't letting go.

"5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0, No one can stop me to go... You'll never see me again."