2Today I saw you. You made me smile so wide, my face almost cracked in half and my heart did a tiny leap when your hands closed upon mine. Why do I feel this way? I am in love with someone else. But every second spent with you, your image clouds my thoughts and I feel that there is this thick silvery mist that enters my brain and your very scent clogs my nose.
Why do I still love you so much?
I thought that last year was more than enough to get over you and be gone with those crazy thoughts of you. At one point, I used to fantasize about pulling you into bed and turning all the lights out so I could do things that would make you moan. Now, things are different. I have a lover. You are not that lover. But the oddest thing is that, when I look at you, I feel my eyes water, even when I think of you now, seeing your beautiful face from up close. my heart grows so delicate when I visualize your face, your delicate bone structure, those long fingers and your long, lovely lashes.
Oh God, to be by your side and to know that I can never have you because you will never see me anything more than a friend. Why does this hurt so much? The agony is like a darkened swordsmen wrenching my soul out from my body and slashing me, with a blunt knife, hacking away at my skin for the longest time till it tears away my flesh and reaches my bones. You are in my very bones and only God can tear you away from my mind. Even death cannot reach you. You are inside me, inside my heart, within my soul and only. only you can say that you have no love for me.
And I shall retire.
But now, I hold on to the hope. The hope that you might know that I love you. I will wait for you. Having you beside me is the hardest thing that I could ever experience. It is almost impossible to refrain myself from flinging my arms around you and splatter kisses all over your face. You never said who you love, you have never told me of your secrets and I will not tell you mine. I secretly still love you. So much. Too much. I cannot even reveal your name, in case nature decides to steal you away.
One word from you, may kill all my dreams and you may shatter all desires. but I will go on loving you till there is no breath in my body. You are a perfect being, I have never been able to put you on a pedestal because there is nothing wrong with you. You do no wrong, not in my eyes, not in the eyes of the world because you are an angel. Why can't everything be alright? I wish I could tear my heart away from your face, but I keep on holding on to the hope, as tightly as I hold on to your hand.
Your face is still in my head. That face of yours is burned in my irises. the touch of your hands are still on mine and I am still stinging from your embrace, the burning sensation in my limbs reaches my heart when the painful realization hits me like a thousand ice-cold buckets of water. Right now, I feel like I'm trapped within a smoky little box filled with sharp glasses and razors pressing in my sides as I watch blood trickle down my arms. You will never be mine. Why do they put me so close to you but you are so out of reach? I must not look at you. Or else, I would weep in pain and anguish.
The untold story of my boundless love for you would remain behind my teeth. Only these fingers speak of emotion. My tears weep for your lovely form, I wish to gaze upon that angel face for all eternity. These hands long for your body to rest and find solace here, where I will comfort you and you may lay your head on my shoulders forever. If you ever bow your head down, to cry. I will kiss your curly hair and bury all your pain within me and you will never have to frown again.
You will never find sorrow within you again. Never, will you cut yourself, I promise you that. I don't want to see your arms filled with carvings. Promises that your pain will vanish. Vain promises. All your wounds, bring them to me, because I will heal them with all the power in the world I could ever give to you. I would kiss every scar on your body, every opening of blood because they belong to you and they have brought you to me. I will worship the ground you walk on and thank the gods for putting a saint on this earth. When you sleep, lay your head on my chest, where you listen to my heartbeat and understand that it beats only for you. If you dream, dream of happiness and watch how life is supposed to go by behind those beautiful eyelids of yours. I have contentment watching your lashes flutter.
I cherish your masterpieces, every single one of them and I will frame them up. I weep for you now, and I have the most unearthly desire to wrap my hands around your waist and cry into your black shiny sheet of hair and kiss your neck and cheeks. Don't think me of warped or insane, I just crave to be loved by a saint. You are that saint. I will wait for you.
My saint. My salvation. I will wait for you.