Goddammit, that stupid Prince Charming is so STUPID! I am so pissed off. Words simply fail me how pissed off I am. Hell, I'm a princess! Princesses aren't even meant to know words like pissed off. But who cares.
Do you know what that idiot Charming managed to do? Go on, guess. Can't? Ok I'll tell you.
HE GOT KIDNAPPED BY A MAGICIAN.
Bloody hell what is wrong with men these days? I mean I cut off my hair, which by the way took me like 16 years to grow, Snow White left those poor dwarves and now they're like STARVING without her to cook (see? Even dwarf males are retards), sleeping beauty got like pulled out of the most wonderful dream, Cinderella's even missing her housework, etc etc etc.
I mean see what we princesses have to put up with? And those peasants are always complaining, their cows caught this, their broccoli died in that. Who cares about cows and broccoli? At least their husbands have like 1 wife and don't get kidnapped by anyone! I bet they're even better looking than my stupid husband.
Yep I know what you're thinking. Charming's meant to be all handsome blah blah blah. Well I have news for you. He is far from it. I mean he slops on like litres of makeup. There is like inches of it lathered on his face. Even I limit myself to ¼ inch. And he wears heels. Yep Prince Charming, everybody's favourite prince is a midget. He wears 8 inch heels so that he hits the 6foot mark. And he's bald. You heard right. Prince Charming wears a wig.
Can you believe I fell for it? I really thought I found the guy of my dreams. I mean he doesn't even have those triceps and 6pack anymore since there weren't any princesses to rescue. How embarrassing. I married a turd. A turd who managed to trick half the princess population. And now he's disappeared. I mean what am I going to do now huh? Twiddle my thumbs until he manages to rescue himself? It's karma I tell you. He tricked all those princesses in peril and now he's kidnapped himself.
Now me and the other chicks would have to do public appearances assuring everyone that their handsome prince if perfectly fine. How annoying. I should have stayed in that tower with those birds. At least they were really cute. Remind me again why I married him? O yeah. Temporary insanity.
Wow I haven't written in you for ages! Anyway I'm not as happy as I should be. Why? Because my mother is a psycho. There. I've said it.
And why do I say it I hear you ask? Because she expects me to rescue that git Charming. I mean yeah I learn karate, ju-jitsu, kickboxing and tae kwon do but that don't mean I have to go rescue people. I do it so that I won't end up like those other stupid princesses getting rescued by Prince Charming and having to marry him. Yeah he's hot but there are limits. I mean how many wives does he have? Think about it.
No way am I going to rescue him.
No no no no.
And that's final.
Oh dear, I do believe I'm in trouble. I got into a bit of a fix with Merlin and now he's kidnapped me and holding me for ransom. I only accidentally stepped on his rare chiffon monkey and turned it into an orange chiffon monkey pancake. What's so bad about that? It looked like a bright orange rat!
It's such a shame he isn't homosexual. If he is I'm sure I can charm my way out of this little mess. I am named Charming for a reason you know.
And that Merlin is so mean to me! He won't even let me have any foundation because he claims to not wear any and the highest heels he has are only 1 inch. And he told me he doesn't magic wigs out of thin air.
So now nobody would even recognize let alone rescue me. I am in such deep mud. And still sinking deeper. I can only think of one solution. Appeal to Princess Dolly. I know her mother is completely and utterly in love with me.
Well of course I am only the male Venus. Everyone knows that. So her mother would make her come and all my troubles would be over.
Makeup-less but still beautiful,
That Charming has the nerve to ask my mother whether he can "borrow" me for a few weeks to rescue him. And my mother, who loves anyone who weighs less than my dad (not all that many people don't fit into this category) now won't hear no for an answer. Now if I do actually rescue him, he would wish that I hadn't because I'd give him a death so painful using my hundreds of blackbelts he would wish he had never been born. OOOOH I'm all pumped up now! Just like when I was going to dump my ex Justin! And yes I am going to go, just to shut my mother up.
That Prince Charming is really annoying me. Foundation and heels! Bah he calls himself a man? Lucky I'm here to kidnap him and toughen him up. He needs it!
Anyway, he's sent a letter to Princess Dolly, I suspect to rescue him. Yes I know Dolly does all sorts of rough and tumble things, but honestly getting a princess to rescue him? He really must be going to seed!
Well I don't really mind. Dolly is quite cute. I know I keep up an old man image, but it really is only because it's good when you're meant to be wise and all. I'm really only 22. Well I suppose she might not be interested, but it's worth a try right?
Merlin continues to be exceptionally cruel to me. However, I do believe I've become a little chubby since the last princess I rescued (who was it again? I really cannot for the life of me remember!).
I think I shall go on a diet. Banana and water. It works miracles I hear. The bananas provide so much nutrients and the water is completely everything-free except for liquid, which is extremely important for your well-being. Yes I shall make it clear to Merlin this very minute that I will eat and drink nothing more than bananas and water.
Betecheval (my horse) and I are having a wonderful time! I can't believe I didn't do this sooner. Oh wait, yes I can. I'm rescuing an idiot prince. Ok I feel my spirits come crashing down. But really, apart from the whole rescuing prince Charming thing, this little trip ain't bad at all! In fact it's really fun! I mean toasted marshmallows and stuff like that every day. No more mothers nagging me about stuff I don't really give a damn about! I'm freeeeeee! Till I rescue the stupid prince anyway. FREEEEEEEEE! IT'S A BIRD! IT'S A PLANE! NOOOOOO IT'S DOLLY!
O gosh I think I'm high…
I am finding that idiot Charming even more annoying. Get this he is on a "banana and water" diet. What the hell is that? And how the hell would I provide him with bananas for so long? I mean he can go rot in his banana and water for all I care, but I have to feed him you know or one of his wives might sue me for killing their husband.
Or give me a medal, I don't know which but I really don't want to mess with women who can handle Prince Charming. And now I finally understand how he gets away with having so many wives. If he only had one, she would divorce him in a second, he's so annoying so he married a whole lot so they can share the weight of his driving them mad.
See one has him for a day, then the next, then the next and after it's gone around the whole cycle the first would be sufficiently recovered from the trauma and ready to begin again.
Well I don't have a hundred of me to go around! Not fair! I have to handle him all on my own. Oh what did I do to deserve this?
Why was it him who had to kill Jubjub, my beautiful chiffon monkey?
Why why why?
But back to the banana situation. How will I get bananas in this far north? It's like impossible! I'll have to resort to trickery. Go put some of the food Gretel makes into the shape of bananas. They'll look like bananas, they'll taste like bananas, hell they can even BE bananas! But they aren't bananas! That's the beauty of this! THEY'RE BANANAS THAT REALLY AREN'T BANANAS! Damn I'm good!
I just p-mailed Merlin! I decided that sneaking around is not cool and I'm just going to waltz in for a few weeks and sort out this Prince Charming mess.
I don't see why I can't rescue a prince in comfort. I mean sitting out in the cold? Does anyone have any idea how freezing it is up there?
So I'll crash at Merlin's, rescue Charming and all my problems will be over. Except that whole marry princes/princesses that you rescue thing.
But who said I'll marry Charming? I will flat out refuse. Isn't it enough that I saved him? I have to marry him too? Well no thank you I'll pass. I will rescue but I REFUSE to marry.
Anyway off that. What would happen if word leaks out that I'm staying at Merlin's? I mean he's so old! Like at least 800. Nobody had better tell anybody or heads will roll. I mean it. They will rolllllll very, very far.
A note from the hand of Gretel:
Merlin I demand to know why you have been changing the shape and taste of my cooking, which I simply slave over, into bananas. I do not cook all day delicious foods which I actually think about just so that you can turn them into bananas do you hear? You had better give me a decent explanation for this scandal or Hansel and I are gone.
My life is a mess. Gretel is threatening to leave because I've been turning her cooking into bananas, to satisfy yours truly. And she refuses to believe that he's on a banana and water diet, it of course being completely ridiculous, and seems to think that I'm doing this to spite her.
And if that's not enough, that my cook is threatening to leave along with my butler, do you know what was in the letter Princess Dolly sent me via her pigeon? Well it said that she was coming for a few weeks, which isn't all that bad, BUT then it goes on to say, and I quote:
"P.S. Merlin can you please keep this thing about me visiting quiet? It would really ruin my image if word goes out that I'm staying with you for a few weeks. I'm sure my friends would think it's something romantic. I mean imagine that! Me and you! It totally doesn't work. I mean you should go for someone old like yourself right? I mean you're like about 800 years old right? How embarrassing would it be? So please don't breathe even a word of this to anyone!"
OH MY GOD! 800 years old! She thinks I'm 800! I'm only 22! Can't those stupid people tell that the flowing white beard is fake and the flowing white hair is also fake? Man! I think I'll go take it out on Charming, who's still annoying.
I'm simply amazed at how good the bananas here are! I thought this far north I would be living on rotting or frozen ones, but they are actually so fresh! Now a single black spot on any of them! I must say I'm impressed! Maybe this banana and water diet isn't so bad. I should stick to it a bit longer!
Crap she's arriving tomorrow. Kill me now…
A/N Yes it's true after a break of about a year I am completely revamping this story. actually the content's still the same…I just made some small stuff like making the chapters longer and putting in actual paragraphs and stuff like that… Well ANYWAY. Is this diary thing too confusing? Love it? Hate it? Whatever. Just REVIEW!