1It a way I never imagined possible, my only comfort being Linkin' Park music and my bed. You know letting go of pain isn't as easy as it sounds. You can't just let it all go just because on day you woke up and went 'Well by golly I think today I will be happy.' No that's not how it works at all. It's a painful chore.
One we have to try and forget whenever we do something that reminds us of it.
One that haunts us every time we close our eyes.
One that you can still hear, see, feel, breath, and even taste sometimes.
It is hard to put a mask on and smile and pretend everything is okay when it really feels like you are losing control of you very existence. As if everyone is talking about fun of you for who you are. Even when you try to change yourself it just seems like more people turn their backs on you.
I know these feelings because I go through it every day of every hour. I know what it feels like to try and please someone and have it thrown back in my face only to be happy one second later like nothing ever happened. To put my mask on even though I know I just want to break down and scream.
Even my friends warn me that I shouldn't care so much what people think of me. I can't change it matter how hard I try it always comes back to haunt me. I shouldn't care what people think.I shouldn't try to make someone I barely know smile because it pains me to see someone not smiling. Maybe because it reminds me of myself?
I don't want to see my mirror image.
Never.
So then.
Maybe that's why I try to accomplish so much even though I know eventually it'll break me in the end.
Helping isn't always a good thing I guess.
So I'll tell you my story.
As stupid and silly as it is sometimes I don't always understand my reactions to life.
As the sobs remain lodged in my throat never to be let go. Maybe this story will release my pain for me. Using my last resort.