Soulless

Something happened again. It was just like he knew he had hoped. As he had expected, he found her father walking around the school track that evening. The only difference this time was that her mother was walking with him. They knew who he was, and, as he was hoping, they would tell their daughter that they saw him there while they were walking around the track at their school. At the time, Jonathan thought it was great because now they would go home and tell their daughter, Kirsten, that they saw him there and she would be thinking about him. .She would be thinking about him. That is why he did it; so she would think about him.
But it hurt. Jonathan felt a tortuous agony from it the whole time. So why did he do it? Because it just meant that much to him for her to be thinking about him. Of course, it actually sounds kind of selfish when you look at it like that. The pain just kept throbbing and throbbing in his chest and that headache just made him woozier and woozier. What was his problem? Why did he have to do what he did? All it does is drive both him and Kirsten and her family crazy.
Walking back home, Jonathan started asking himself what was wrong with him. He knew all it was doing was driving everyone insane but in the heat of the moment it feels like a great idea. But, now that it was done, Jonathan was in regret. All he ever did was make things worse. He felt, however, like he was the one being effected most by it.
In the last few days, since the night of the first day of school this year, Jonathan had lost his soul, and it was never coming back. Jonathan had felt before that day that he was finally ready to move on and put his love for Kirsten behind when he saw her at school that seemed to him like she had actually gotten more beautiful. Her beauty always amazed him; she was the most beautiful thing he'd ever laid eyes on. Now that she had somehow managed to become more beautiful to him, he knew he would never be able to forget about his love for her.
Ever since Jonathan first saw Kirsten, her beauty had somehow engulfed him. It was as if she had inadvertently chained herself to his heart. But Jonathan had made a mistake. In his inability to socialize, he found himself stalking her. Of course, he had never meant for it to appear that way. He simply wanted her to know who he was and pay attention to him. Jonathan, however, always felt as if he'd been dropped on the earth by some alien spaceship and left to fend for himself. He had no idea how to talk to someone. And those he did come into contact with eventually realized that he was actually one of the shyest people they'd ever met. Indeed, he was shy; people terrified him.
As if that hadn't been enough to put Jonathan on the list of the most unpopular people in school, Jonathan wasn't at all the best looking prize in the machine. Perhaps the only good thing he felt he had, though, was he was smart enough to know this and try to live with it. If his self-esteem were any lower it wouldn't even exist technically speaking.
Despite his obviously low self-esteem, Jonathan had tried his best in the past to obtain a girlfriend. Jonathan's problem, though, was that he was so intent on finding one that he looked at every girl he came into contact with as a potential significant other. In the past, he'd had crushes on at least thirty girls. And, as he felt he should've expected, every one of them had turned him down. He'd even felt that he'd loved a few of them-that is, of course, until he discovered Kirsten and realized what real love was, for he hadn't hardly felt sad but for maybe a single minute after every one of those girls had let him down. And a lot of them weren't the nicest about it either. But after being let down by Kirsten, Michael found himself unable to forget about her. He found himself feeling the same way, if not stronger, for her afterward. No matter how many times he told himself that it was over and he would leave her alone, he couldn't. Instead, he continued following her, still addicted to having her attention.
Eventually, she'd ended up being forced to resort to threatening to kill him just to get him to stop following her. Doing it, wasn't easy for her either as he was able to tell from the way she had kept saying that she was getting mad at herself for doing it when she did it. But he had left her no choice. Jonathan knew all of it was his fault. He never blamed her in the least for anything. He hated himself so much for what he was doing to her that he wouldn't have blamed her if she finally stuck a gun to his head and pulled the trigger. He almost wished that she would.
Jonathan could still remember the morning he went to school and laid eyes on her for the first time. The moment he did, he knew he had to know who she was. At the time, he knew nothing about her. He didn't have her in any of his classes, and he hadn't even an idea as to what her first name was. He was a capable person, though, and he eventually found out. In fact, he had eventually found out quite a bit about her-too much, actually.

Now it was only the third night of the school year. The first night, Jonathan had lied in bed trying to sleep, listening as he did every night to his stereo. Usually it helped him to fall it brought tears to his eyes. It was the very moment in which he felt his soul leave him. He could see in his mind and feel his insides being engulfed in darkness and evaporating into an endless void of eternal darkness, a black abyss as big as the universe itself except without a single thing in it. Jonathan felt as if he finally realized that his place in the universe had no point- that his life was meaningless and everything he did was pointless. He'd never felt so empty before in his life. He felt like he had nothing to show for his life. Here he was, never had a girlfriend, never kissed a girl, been on a date, or even held a girl's hand. Not that he would blame them. He wasn't stupid, he knew why. He had never felt truly happy before in his life. Now, the universe that he had always looked at as a balance beam with an equal amount of good and bad had gone completely bad on him. Now he was left in the last few nights with a depression so emotionally painful that he felt as if he didn't care if he died then or one hundred years from then.
But he wouldn't kill himself. For one, he didn't have the guts to. Second, there was one thing left in his life that still meant something to him, and it was the one thing that kept him wanting to live. Ironically, though, that one thing wanted him dead. Jonathan had refused to believe it when Kirsten's friend, Lacey, would come up to him yelling that Kirsten hated him and wanted him to die and burn in hell. Now he believed she was telling the truth the whole time.
Now he would have to face the music again. Jonathan had to go to school the next morning and face whatever came to him. He was still dead inside, though. He could no longer feel a heart beating in his chest, or feel a lung breathing in his feel a brain functioning in his head. He literally felt empty. He felt like his outside was a single thin layer and the inside was hollow.
No one could help him now. Jonathan had already crossed the line a long time ago. He was just too far out of the box now for anyone to save. That is, of course, except for the one person strapped to his nonexistent heart. She could say three simple words and fill Jonathan with such light and happiness that nothing would ever be able to tare a smile from his face. But he'd already screwed that up, too. She would never feel that way about him-not now.
This night, Jonathan found himself again rolling around uncontrollably in his bed in a futile attempt to fall asleep. Eventually, he gave up. Finally he just exploded in tears and buried his face in his hands and curled up on his bed trying to contain the explosion. This was it, though. It had finally reached his top boiling point.
Jonathan disappeared from his house that night. His parents would wake up that morning, see him gone, and assume the worst. Jonathan was quickly found, though. His mind had run faster than light through everything with Kirsten over a billion times non-stop. Finally, it slammed him into a wall and every moment he could remember since he first saw Kirsten was sucked into his head and he became lost in the moment's eternity.
Kirsten's father found Jonathan that morning lying on their doorstep, curled up in a ball with an expressionless face and completely ignorant of the current flow of time. His life was made that morning. Over and over again, he relived the year that he'd spent knowing Kirsten. As we are all living our lives now, perhaps even we are stuck in an event at this moment, not knowing that we are reliving these moments over and over again. And just maybe, as Jonathan spends his eternity strapped together in an empty, white room, we too are spending our lives strapped in a white room.