116not quite good enough
You know it's sad.
You must've never known. You never do.
All the nights I stay up listening to the rain falling outside and wondering if tonight will be the same as all the other nights. Just dreams. That's what they all say about it when I tell them. They're just dreams that shouldn't mean anything, because reality and dreams are two completely separate things. Your subconscience is not trying to tell you anything. Freud would beg to differ.
I hate that you're so oblivious to all the suffering I go through because of you. All of the things I did because of you and all the dreams I had about you. They were my worst fears that came to life in the middle of the night with the rain outside as their soundtrack. A soundtrack towards destruction.
You never saw the scars did you? I remember looking at you everyday and wondering if maybe one of those days you'd get up the goddamn nerve to talk to me instead of talking to her perfectly every single day. Not a word to me though. Was I another one of those fools who fell for it every time you did it? That stupidity of thinking that I was better than the others you talked to, that I was more interesting, that I was more important. Ironic that maybe they were the ones thinking that as well. Ironic that maybe it was actually true for them.
You never talked to me long enough to notice that my smile never fully reached my eyes, and my arms were always covered. You never cared enough to ask why or inquire if I was okay every once in a while. You just went upon the assumption that I was, taking in the lie even when you knew it wasn't true. Too much to deal with perhaps.
You never stayed around long enough to see the scars I tried so hard to cover up. The only ones that ask me are the ones I don't care about. I make up a couple excuses, and they buy them, and that's all for that. You've never noticed the red stars I drew on my new drawing board. I'd just discovered it you see. Red stars against blue veins.
But don't you know?
Stars always fade away.
New stars come aboard must too soon.
And you finally got your wish. You've got your name in red beside the stars.
If only you knew.
-julia
6 february 2005