5P - Paul Holmes (from the "60 minutes" TV show) O - Odysseus (king of Ithaca)
P - We have a very special guest joining us tonight all the way from the beautiful land of Ithaca, the man who maimed the Cyclops - welcome Odysseus! (The audience applauses).
O - (Strolls on, head high, authoritative look, smiles because he's pleased with the praise and the welcome). Good evening, sir! (Turns to audience, cunningly winning their support by noticing them). And good evening to you ladies and gentlemen of the good land of Auckland! What a fine welcome to receive, may the gods grant you all many blessings! (Sits down - straight back, chest out - proudly, showing strength of character).
P - (Smiling) Well, Odysseus, in recent times you have become very popular with our people in New Zealand - voted 'best hero' in the Times, and 'most sexy married celebrity'. How do you cope with this newfound fame?
O - Newfound? Newfound? I, the great Odysseus, good king of Ithaca, have always been famous! People talked of my brave and cunning deeds in far-off lands even before I came home to my wife! Was it not I who thought of the brilliant plan, that each of us suitors of Helen would pledge allegiance to her marriage?
P - ah, yes; yes, of course. but your recent events in coming home to your wife and killing off the suitors have scored you, er, extra fame - you've become quite a hero down in Auckland, haven't you? Just outside this front door people were scrambling for your autograph! So tell us about your journey home. What took you so long?
O - Numerous, numerous things, foolish Paul, though you should know this well - The triumph over the Cyclops is a personal favourite of mine - The Cyclops lived in appalling conditions, and had no respect for the gods! The great, hideous, uncivilised beast loomed above my crew in his gloomy cave and savagely ate some of my men, yet with my wit and wisdom I soon had his eye out with the wooden stake that we had sharpened and heated in the fire, then the rest of us escaped clinging to the fur of his sheep as they carried us out of the cave when he couldn't see us. And, king Paul, that is just one of my many ingenious, crafty plans that got me home to my wife! (Looks round at audience, making sure they are listening to his heroic feats).
P - And so all was well then, Odysseus. But what of your gloats to the Cyclopes? What possessed you to go so far, to tell the Cyclops the name of his defeater - your name - at the great risk of your precious life?
O - Is it not obvious? I couldn't overcome a great beast like that without letting the world and the gods know! What would be the point, if I received no fame? I took a bit out of powerful Poseidon though - when he found out it was I who blinded his son he never let me forget it. It was he who wrecked my ship as I sailed away from Calypso's island Ogygia.
P - To give the Cyclops your name, so he can bring curses down on it - that sounds very foolish and dangerous, Odysseus. Challenging the gods, is there no end to your pursuit of glory?
O - Are you calling me a fool? Big word, coming from you, you ignorant man! And talking about dangerous - I could slit your throat in a second! Think twice before insulting the great and powerful king of Ithaca!
P - Okay, okay! (Voice higher and more panicky - sinks lower in his seat and Odysseus sits taller and glares him down) But what about your escape from Calypso? That was hardly your own doing, with a mere woman doing everything for you!
O - (stands up and raises sword, tall and threatening, face furious and voice shouting) You have insulted me three times too many! You are a great fool, king Paul, and unworthy with your stinging tongue to be ruler of this studio! If it weren't for your grand welcome I would have your tongue out in a second! But what of the presents, under the laws of Xenia, that you have not yet given me? I am starting to think again about your people being civilised!
P - p-presents? What.? (Odysseus point's sword closer to Paul's throat.) Oh, presents! , have this piece of paper. with respects. (Tears paper off his refill, and gives it to Odysseus).
O - Interesting, but by no means a great present - I shall have poor things to say about you birds when I get back to Ithaca.
P- Kiwis! Not birds, Kiwis!
O - (still examining paper, curious) But I like the lines - they are all perfectly straight - and the paper, so smooth, so thin! How is this made?
P - Um. I don't... Lets get back to the questions - sit down please. So, Athene, a mere women, how did she help you get off Ogygia?
O - Athene is not a mere woman, she is the great and beautiful goddess of the flashing eyes, do not disgrace her! She made Calypso let me go, as it was my destiny to get home to Ithaca. But, let me tell you, deities don't help just anybody! I impressed Pallas Athene with my great skill in lying and my cunning abilities and strength, also with my superior intelligence and quick wit.
P - But tell me, Calypso is extremely attractive; she has a goddess' beauty, which must far outweigh your wife's looks. Why did you not stay with Calypso, as she desired?
O - Paul, Paul, Paul. (Shakes his head, and looks down on Paul with a superior, smug and pitying look). You obviously know nothing about love. I, on the other hand, get women craving over me all the time. Just take Nauasicaa, for example. The young, pretty girl naively proposed marriage to me! But she was much more civilised and hospitable then you people, and she'd be a delight for her future husband, although I wouldn't marry her. Calypso, too, was incredibly beautiful, but I couldn't live with her either - everyday I was on Ogygia I mourned for my wife, my wise and lovely Penelope, whom I love. I couldn't live a full life without her. Neither could I live a full life with the immortality that Calypso offered me - I needed to live with risk, with danger, with trials to overcome - I needed my life to be on the line, and to accomplish great things for my name to be widely known and made famous. For me, an immortal life is no life at all.
P - Okay Odysseus, I don't agree with you there - isn't immortality what everyone desires most?
O - (Pauses, thinks slowly) .what is the point of immortality - if it is to be a dull life, no risk, and no fulfilment of ones deepest desires and loves, no recognition of ones great deeds? One may as well not have lived at all.
P - So, it seems Odysseus that you have endured and come above many, many problems in your journey home. And you did this, all to see your wife again?
O - (Again thinks carefully) .I love my wife with all my heart; I couldn't live content without her. Yet I also had to endure these many trials to have my name made famous - if I had come home quickly with the others, I would have accomplished nothing great to be remembered by, and that I couldn't live with either. That was why, instead of coming home as quickly as I could, I stayed to receive the wonderful gifts that my fellow Phaeacians gave me - then I could come home with wealth - not empty-handed, which would have been degrading to my status as a great hero and a good, civilised man and king.
P - And its things like this that make you - different - from other men?
O - Yes - I'm much braver and more witty and cunning than other men, and that's why I succeeded in my journey home and became known as a hero.
P - You've told us some of your physical obstacles, but what have been the emotional trials you have had to endure?
O - Every single day of my time at Troy and the journey home was like torture to me as my heart ached with longing for my beloved Penelope (He pauses as he finds his voice, trying not to cry.) Seven years with Calypso and many months with Circe never dimmed my love for her, or drove the lovely shores of Ithaca from my heart - I missed my home, my palace, I missed my good servants and my great dog, and I dearly missed my parents. (Bursts into loud sobs as he continues) . And my dearest son, my first and only son Telemachus, the pride and joy of my life I saw for only one day before I had to leave for Troy, and never again did I set eyes on him until just last month - twenty years later!
P - Twenty years is a very long time Paul - a fair bit longer than it took for the others who fought at Troy to get home. You surely took your time - leaving your poor wife thinking you were dead and mourning daily. Gallant Nestor and many of your other friends arrived home long before you did!
O - (Jumps up and draws sword, holding it to Paul's throat). That's a bold statement to make, Paul! If you had heard half of what I had been through you would not have said that! I, Odysseus, the sacker of cities, the mighty and rightful king of Ithaca defeated numerous obstacles during my journey home, the very first of which would have had you dead in a second, you insolent, foolish man!
P - Calm down, Mr. Odysseus! (Holds up hands for protection, then motions for Odysseus to sit down, voice panicky). I must tell you sir,
O - "Your Highness,"!
P - Y-your Highness, that the studio doesn't, actually, a-allow swords in here. you .hurt someone.
O - (Laughs loudly, throwing head back and mocking Paul) Hurt someone? Me, the gallant hero Odysseus accidentally hurt someone? Of all the. (Cracks up laughing again).
P - (laughs nervously) well, ha, nevertheless. its just a precaution, the sword is a little bit of a. a hazard, my good man. just h-hand it over will you? Nice and easy. (Slowly, quivering hand, reaches for the sword).
O - (Instantly stops smiling, and glares at Paul, sword still raised, voice dark, strong and full of warning). I will keep my sword.
P - (Withdraws hand quickly, and sits shaking, sinking lower in his seat. Audience applauses. Paul smiles feebly in their direction). Ah - haha - okay, 'g-good king' - j-just sit down please - and put the sword away!
O - (Pauses, thinking, then slowly sits down, suspicious, puts sword in sheath but keeps hand on it and sits tense and alert.) Proceed, you impudent coward.
P - Ah. o-okay, um, well, Odysseus, you say you, er, have met many unavoidable problems on your journey home. Tell us, how did you manage to defeat them?
O - My wit and bravery exceed all, Mr. Holmes. Even a fool like you should know this - my wisdom and my strength got me through.
P - But wasn't it the goddess Athene who got you out when things got sticky? You couldn't have made it home without her. (Odysseus stands up and draws sword in anger). No! I take that back, it was out of turn - sit down, sir!
O - I shall not tolerate any more of your insolence, fool! Do not suppose Athene was the reason I got home - she helped me only because I showed great wits - more than you will ever contain! (Sits down).
P - But despite your great wisdom and cunning, every single one of your crew died. Why was this?
O - (Smiling cheekily). Oh, they were just like you, Paul - foolish and cowardly, without the strength, cunning and endurance that I had.
P - Why didn't you trust that your wife had been faithful to you? Why did you have to see for yourself, disguised as a beggar, before you believed what everyone had told you?
O - I am not foolish and I am not gullible - twenty long years I had been away, who knows how someone can change in that time? And I didn't know how long Penelope would have been able to stand the suitors' pressure to marry again. What I did was a precaution - I had to be suspicious, otherwise I would have lived the rest of my days with Penelope wondering if she had really been faithful to me.
P - (Looks at watch and smiles, relieved.) Is that the time? Well, unfortunately we have almost come to the end of our show, but we have just enough time for one last question, Odysseus. Tell us about what you did to the suitors.
O - (Smiles) That was something, wasn't it?
P - (Looking slightly shocked - although not much about Odysseus would shock him anymore) But you slaughtered the lot of them - hundreds there was, and almost single-handedly! That's a huge extreme to go just for a bit of jealousy - and weren't you scared that their relatives would try to kill you to get revenge?
O - Just for a 'bit of' jealousy? What did the suitors have that I could be jealous of? (Odysseus looks uptight and protective of his honour). They were a bunch of rugged thieves, not a brave one among them - and they had absolutely no respect! Name one thing, anything that they could do and I'll prove my worth - I'll do it better! I could outsmart them, outrun them, outdo them - beat them at anything! You heard their attempts to string my bow? Pathetic weaklings! If only they were still alive I would challenge them at anything and thrash them - but no, they're dead - only because they couldn't stand up to me, and I butchered them in their hundreds! As for their family's revenge Athene sorted it out so there would be no further bloodshed, but peace between us all.
P - (Stands up quickly, smiling nervously, goes to shake Odysseus' hand but thinks better of it and lowers his hand. Paul makes his voice sound falsely bright). Well, Odysseus, it has been a - something short of a pleasure - to have you on our show tonight - and it has been very, very - interesting.
O - (Speaking cheerfully/brightly) And the same to you, Paul! You're a funny, funny creature. what you lack in brains you make up for in your amusing tongue - but be careful; your next guest may not be as lenient as I was with your snide remarks! (Odysseus reaches for sword, Paul shakes with fear, and Odysseus leaves sword, and slaps Paul on the back, laughing loudly, then turns to audience.) Well, I can't say you people are very civilised and by the looks of you, you are anything except strong - but you are certainly very fascinating, and any people who support and honour me are my friends - so, so long, my little funny birdy friends! (Odysseus chuckles happily as he waves then walks off stage, and after a shocked pause the audience breaks out into a huge applause. Paul wipes his forehead with his handkerchief and sinks into his chair in relief).