7Now, on the story! Plot, basically: Our Liverpool Lads are out looking for food and birds and gigs and birds and food. And birds. Chapter One: The evil hamburger of death.
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John, Paul, George, and (guess who!) Ringo, are jaunting around Liverpool on an absolutely perfect (meaning less rainy then usual) English day.
George: What a lovely day, mates!
Paul: Och aye, George, right you are. It's dandy.
Ringo: It'd be even more dandy if I could get me some fish and chips. I'm awful hungry, fellows.
John: Oh, Rings, yer always stuffin' yer bloody gob. I'd be chuffed if you weren't.
Ringo: (With dignity) Me gob likes to stuff. Can I help that?
John: (sighing) I suppose not. All right, chums, let's find a place for Ringo to eat.
Paul: Come on, John! We've got places to see, people to do -
John: That's all you can think about at a time like this?! Birds?! When poor, poor, helpless, defenseless, wee little Ringo's bellies grumblin' to high heavens? I should leave you, I should.
Paul: Ah, John, don't do that. I'm sorry, Ringo.
Ringo: Right you should be.
(The boys stop in front of a dubious looking diner)
George: (Sarcastic) Ah, just the place to get some eats! I bet they catch the rats themselves and cook 'em right there for ye, with a side o' cockroaches.
John: Oh, off with it, George. Maybe the grub's decent.
George: Maybe it ain't.
John: Maybe it is.
George: Maybe it ain't.
John: Maybe I shove one o' yer rats and cockroach specials down yer bloody gob, Mr. George.
George: To the diner.
Ringo: Tally ho!
(Our hunky heroes enter the diner)
John: See, not bad at all, is it.
(A rat scurries across the floor in front of them.)
Paul: Oh dear.
Ringo: I don't know if I be this hungry, lads. Perhaps -
John: (Irritated) Are ye bloody hungry or not, Ringo?!
Ringo: I am.
John: Do you want to eat yer fish and chips?!
Ringo: I do.
John: You what?!
Ringo: I do.
John: With feeling!
Ringo: I DO!
George: I now pronounce you man and wife, now let's get us some grub.
John: Right on. That's the spirit, George.
(The fellows saunter over to the counter, where a butch waitress is smoking dully)
Waitress: Hello.
Paul: Hello, luv! Be a dear and get us some fish and chips, then!
Waitress: We don't have fish and chips.
Ringo: (Alarmed) No fish and chips? WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO, I ASK YOU? I NEED ME LUNCH, JOHN!
John: No, all ye need is love. Lunch is just a perky little benefit, chum.
George: What do ye have?
Waitress: Hamburgers.
George: Hamburgers? Ham? As in wee little piggies? That you kill?
John: (Humming) See how they run like pigs from a gun see how they fly.
Waitress: Here are some menus. (She forks 'em over)
Ringo: (Reading them) Ooo! I'd like the number three!
Waitress: With cheese?
Ringo: Please, cheese three, oh yeah, my darlin'.
John: I need me bloody harmonica, I do.
Paul: Get it after we eat.
(The waitress goes back to the kitchen, returning with four evil looking little burgers)
Waitress: Eat up.
Paul: It doesn't look edible.
John: Ringo?
Ringo: George, pass me the salt. It'll get down with a little help from my salt.
(Rim shot!)
(The others watch while Ringo salts his burger, and prepares to take a bite)
George: (Tearfully) He's such a brave little soldier.
John: I'll give him that, the little bugger's got guts.
(Ringo bites, swished the mouthful around, and tries to swallow. Emphasis on 'tires'.)
Ringo: Hack hack hack! COUGH! COUGH! GAG!
Paul: Oh no! Ringo's choking! Oh, why did we make him eat that burger?! I feel like a fool by the grill!
(I really need to get a new hobby)
John: We have to save him! Imagine a world with no Ringo!
Paul: With a little luck, perhaps we can save him!
George: (Sighing in disgust at the author's campiness) My sweet lord.
(George grabs Ringo around the middle and gives a mighty jolt. The offending meat pops out of Ringo's mouth and onto the floor.)
Ringo: Heave off, George! I love ye too, but there are things I can not do.
Paul: Hooray! Ringo lives!
Ringo: Thank ye, George, fer savin' me from that evil hamburger. I'll stick to me fish and chips from now on, they're far more digestable.
John: Good thing ye don't depend on yer pipes for a livin' mate. Let's abandon these burgers and find us some real food.
(The fellows head off)
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THANKS FOR READING, HOMESLICES! Heh, heh. please review! You'll make my day. And then I'll come and read all of YOUR stories. Thanks oodles, you foxy people.