289AN: something I meant to do months and months ago...changed the ending. It's finally...right(?). I think this is the best ending...some of you will hardly notice the difference, but it's there.
For those reading Portrait of Broken Hearts, sorry I have not updated for a good 6-9 months. It's a very slow writing process. I think I've changed as a person and a writer so I'm trying to decide and figure out what is happening. Thank you to all reviewers, for always being there. This one is for all of you. You know who you are.
.Prelude to Last Act—X&Y.
/Trying hard to speak and
Fighting with my weak hand\
This moment has been seventeen years in the making. There's no backing down. I'm scared shitless…but this moment can't be avoided.
/ Driven to distraction
It's all part of the plan\
Deep Breath. Here it comes.
/ When something is broken
And you try to fix it\
"Jon…why did you choose me?" It comes out as a question and not a statement. I'm surprised. But I guess—I really do want an answer and not a fucking lie.
Jon sighs. It's a sigh that tells me he's frustrated with constant questions/statements. Jon wants it to be silent.
You'll never get that silence, Jon. Secretly, there will always be somebody screaming at you.
Hands run through his hair and I'm staring at his beautiful green eyes. His eyes are staring at the sky—he's avoiding me.
/ Trying to repair it
Any way you can\
"I already…Kaye…I chose you okay. Why does it matter? Fuck. I chose you over Matte and that's all there is to that. Let it go. Seriously." He sighs again. It's a sigh that says I should stop pushing the issue. It's a sigh that tells me I'm bordering on being a bitch.
But I can't. Don't cop out Jon. Give me an answer.
/ I dive in at the deep end
You become my best friend\
"I know Jon. But I still want to know….why me and not Matte?"
I grab his hands in mine. He's forced to look at me now. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
Jon has unfailing tears in his eyes. But there's something else—I can't quite place it. This is something I've never seen Jon experience before. It's etched in his face and embedded in his eyes. And then I get it. How could I not…it's fear. Jon has fear written on his face. Jon is afraid. Invincible Jon is afraid of the question, but why?
The answer is so simple Jon.
/ I want to love you but I don't know if I can
I know something is broken and i'm trying to fix it\
Tell me you picked me because you love me. Tell me you picked me because you can't throw seventeen years of best friends away on somebody that you'll never love as much as you love me.
That's the answer Jon. Do you want me to fucking scream it for you? That's the answer.
"…I want to know Jon. Why me and not Matte? Why us and not YouandMatte?"
Jon laughs awkwardly. He swipes at his eyes and stares at me. Everything about this moment seems fake and deluded. Jon and I are trapped in our own reality. He swipes at his eyes again. He gets rid of those unfailing tears. And there's no trace of that fear on his face anymore.
Oh Jon. Don't you know this is killing me. I just want an answer.
Jon laughs again. It's a laugh that clearly states 'you're-such-a-girl-about-these-things.'
/ Trying to repair it any way I can \
"Because I love you, Kaye. Because I love you more than I could ever love Matte. Because I can't throw away seventeen of Best Friends. Don't you realize that Kaye. You and I are meant to be."
He gives me the answer I want. But there's something I still can't place.
I stare at his beautiful green eyes. He's avoiding me—still. And I know Jon's half lying. Half lying because he really does love me—but he's holding the entire truth away from me
/ You and me are floating on a tidal wave\
"…Jon that's not it. Just tell me...I know you love me. I know you love me more than Matte, otherwise- no matter how drunk or how stoned you were—you wouldn't have slept with me the first time. It's because you love me. Just…why did you pick me over Matte….Please, Jon. Please."
And then it comes. The sentence that stops the world
/ You and me are drifting into outer space\
"Because I couldn't lose you to Chris. Because after all we've gone through, I couldn't lose you to Chris. I couldn't, and I can't, lose you to Chris. Because I love you too much to lose you to him, or to anybody… we're best friends remember. You and I Kaye, are meant to be together—not you and Chris."
And there it is. The Truth. And it hurts. It's this huge slap in my face.
/ I dive in at the deep end\
I turn away from Jon. I've got huge unfailing tears in my eyes but I'm not ready to cry
Deep breathe Kaye. Pull yourself together Kaye. Come on Kaye—just pull yourself together, just for the net seven seconds or so.
I turn back towards Jon.
/ You become my best friend\
"I thought so…it's so fucking typical Jon. If you can't have me, nobody else can. Is that what it is Jon."
And before I can stop myself, I'm kissing him.
/ I want to love you but I don't know if I can\
But it's not a kiss that you want to have. It's a kiss that says 'goodbye.' It's a kiss that says 'thanks for playing with me Jon, but we're done.' It's the end. It's the Kiss of The End.
I move away first. Jon's a little bit confused; I can see it in his eyes. I am too. This whole situation is fucking …unavoidable.
/ I know something is broken and i'm trying to fix it\
"Fuck, Jon. I can't believe you picked me because you didn't want to lose me to Chris….it wasn't enough to just love me unfailingly was it. You picked me cause you didn't want Chris to have me…how fucking low can you get."
Jon and I are so much alike. We want what we can't have…and when we have it, it's not what we need.
Or not for me anyways.
Jon looks at me and blinks.
"What the hell are you talking about, Kaye. Why does it matter why I picked you? I picked you! YOU, KAYE. I picked you because I loved you too much to lose you to Chris. That should be enough!" he screams.
But it's not.
My heart is breaking and I can't stop it. I'm breaking my own heart.
/ Trying to repair it any way I can \
"…Jon…I'm sorry….."
He looks at me panicked.
"What do you mean? What do you mean, Kaye?"
I shake my head. How do I do this…how do you ask your Best Friend to let you go so you can jump.
Jump Kaye, Jump.
"…This is my low, Jon…..I love you."
/ You and me are floating on a tidal wave \
And then I'm gone. I'm walking away. I can't handle this yet. I can't handle this.
I can hear Jon's voice calling after me. I look back. He's looking at me and he's got huge unfailing tears in his eyes and he's calling for me to come back.
/ You and me are drifting into outer space \
Oh Jon. Don't you know I can't come back? I want too…but I can't.
I walk home in a state of confusion. I'm miserable and drowning in my sorrow. Whatever just happened…was unavoidable. I know whatever happens tomorrow will be completely unavoidable. I've hit my low—and once you've reached it…there's no place to go. There are no disillusions or false facades to protect me from the horrors of my own making. Oh no. it's just me.
I walk home, eyes blinded by unfailing tears—but this is the first time I can see.
Look at your life Kaye. What do you see.
/ I dive in at the deep end\
I see Me, World. I see me…just Me and at that moment, I was aware of everything. Every sound, every smell, every feeling…everything. I was aware of Me.
It's been a long time.
Oh World. It's been a long time.
"What do you need Kaye?" The World asks me a question that I finally have an answer to.
…look at the stars, look how they shine for you
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