" Oi! Miss Boy Bashing Babe!"
I whirled around. Elisha had rushed home the minute the bell rang, muttering something about a green haired guy and everyone else had gone AWOL leaving me exactly zero ways of getting home. Walking is not an option. Not only am I lazy but I have no sense of direction. I'll probably walk out of Miami into New York or something.
Plus those annoying voices haven't gone away. Still schizoid.
"Yo girl get your skinny white ass in the car," snapped Ching Ling.
Three seconds later, we were speeding down the road, 50 Cent blaring from the speakers, heading to the mall where Ching plans to fix up her wardrobe, but felt obliged to take me which, even though she insists it's because she wants to fix up mine as well, I suspect has something to do with the fact that Rochelle was planning to ditch her there for her boyfriend.
"You know," said Ching as looked through a rack of minis, "Mabel chucked Theo from her list of top 10 guys after you punched him…"
"Because he's a wuss?" I ask, considering ways of getting rid of the hundreds of girly clothes Ching had forced me to buy even though I made it very clear I would never wear them.
"No cos his nose was pissin blood. She's got this thang with noses. Why you punchin him anyway?"
"In case you didn't notice Ching he smacked a big one on my lips."
"So? Here take this one." She handed me a baby blue tee.
"What do you mean 'so'? I think what it's so is obvious. I don't want that one! It's ugly. And I bet it's at least 3 sizes too small."
"Girl the kid's got it bad. Give him a break. That ain't ugly. It's called graffiti. And that ain't 3 sizes too small either. What you wear is 3 sizes too big."
"But I don't have it bad! I don't have anything! I don't want it either… Fine I'll take the stupid shirt."
"Boys are a part of life. And if you pinin for some Aussie babe back down under I tell ya there ain't nothing left in that boy for you. Get over it. Besides your lil toyboy's loaded. I expect you to be wearin those things you know. Not livin in the bottom of your walk-in wardrobe."
"If he's so loaded why is he bumming off Mark all the time then? Do you seriously expect me to wear this shit? They're…short…and tight…"
"Family problems. Don't get along so well with daddy. Or mummy. This shit happens to be the shit and you look shit good in it. Ok enough of this shit. Let's pay."
"He seems fine to me… About time you finished too. I just bought more clothes than I've ever had in my life."
"If he's so fine then why don't you go out with him? How's your underwear situation?"
"Stop twisting my words. You know what I mean. I don't need new underwear Ching. I mean it."
"I twisted nothin of yours girl. I refuse to believe you don't need new underwear. Whatcha got?"
"You so did twist. Don't deny it. I have nice normal white undies. I don't want new ones."
"I repeated what you said. There's a difference. You only have briefs? C'mon girl Victoria's Secret is this way…"
"Shut up Ching I don't like Theo. And really I don't want to go underwear shopping!"
"Denial much? You need real underwear sets. Matchin ones."
"I am not in denial either. Besides if Theo's so hot then why's he single? Maybe because he's not all he's made out to be? My underwear is real! How could they be fake when I'm wearing them now? And there's no point me getting bras since I have nothing to put them in!"
"FYI he's had constant bitches till you came along. Only now is he doin the whole bachelor thang. Real underwear as in non-brief stuff? And if you a girl you have somethin to put in a bra. And since we're here you're gonna buy somethin."
"FINE! I'll buy stupid underwear! But no way am I saying I like Theo. I so do not."
"Whatever," said Ching, engrossed with a rack of thongs (the underwear not the footwear).
"Eww I am not wearing thongs."
"I'm not going to floss my butt!"
"Ain't that a shame? You gonna anyways."
"Personally I think this is more you," rudely interrupted a voice.
A male voice I might add.
One who I have no doubt is attached to a hand holding out a red lace thong and matching bra.
"Totally agreein wit ya," agreed Ching, adding it to her growing pile.
I glared up at the guy, expecting it to be Theo. Who else would be so perverted? But no it was not him destined to see me shopping at Victoria's secret, dragged along by my nationality confused friend Ching Ling.
"Umm…who are you and why are you recommending underwear to me?" I ask.
He looked shocked. And I will admit he is hot. "You don't know me?" he asked in a voice that I will admit was sexy. Woah, woah! Bimbotic moment!
"Yo Raiden wassup?" piped up Ching, snapping out of her underwear induced reverie.
Raiden. The face and name clicked. Kyle Raiden, no other than supposed most popular guy in school and life hellmaker for anyone in his way.
"Oh nothing much, just chilling and when I saw you fine ladies I thought I'll help you out."
"Cut the suckin up," snapped Ching inspecting what appeared to be a wonderbra. No doubt for me. Ching is relatively well endowed.
"Oh come on do you really believe I have ulterior motives?" asked Raiden innocently.
Ching's glare told all.
"Ok ok. I was wondering if you want to go out with me some time Jackie?" he asked me.
I looked pointedly at Ching Ling. She stared back at me.
"Well?" I asked her.
Ching rolled her eyes. "This," she said pointing to herself, "Ching Ling. That," she pointed at me, "Jackie."
"Ok who did he ask?"
"And which one is Jackie?"
I pointed at…myself…
Oh my fucking god…
Did he just ask me out?
Well judging by the way he's staring…
"Ok stay calm," the voice that Theo unleashed told me. "Coolly and calmly reject him, then run to Theo, tell him all about it and give him a big pash."
"No!" I told my head.
"No?" asked Kyle.
"NO! Not no!"
"No! Not that either! Umm… can I get back to you about that?"
"Yeah sure, here's my number," he said slipping me a piece of paper before slipping away himself.
Still snickering, Ching handed me a huge pile of lingerie, while having a noticeably tiny pile herself (comprising of one bra/underwear set). "You pay for this shit and I'll pay for mine," she told me.
"Why am I buying so much?"
"Cos you loaded and I ain't." End of conversation.
I suppose it was too much to ask for that Greenboy be awake by the end of school…
He sleeps heavier than a log. Heavier than a sumo wrestler. Heavier than a log and a sumo wrestler stacked on top of a rhino. In other words, a very heavy sleeper.
While I was wasting my time in what humans think is the highly beneficial activity called school, Solana had taken it into her stride to boss me around even though she is currently theoretically on the missing persons list and most of the living world thinks I am dead, despite being a current world-famous reporter. They seem to think that I am really a genie called Sutana Cashula who had a lot of plastic surgery done.
Now back to Solana's bossing. Since she could not get hold of me she had simply left me a message.
"Nuke him," it said.
I guess that would be a good solution. Quick, easy, clean.
However, since I am meant to be Sutana Cashula pretending to be Elisha Cleone, the person who sent Greenboy would be either very stupid and un-up-to-date with current things or think Sutana Cashula really is Solana Cleone (the truth) since Greenboy thought I was she.
If it is the former, I will get over there and nuke him/her/it and if it is the latter I will get over there and nuke him/her/it anyway. And the only way to get to him/her/it is through Greenboy who is currently snoring away on the sofa.
Also after noticing that sending new people would not work, no doubt whoever sent Greenboy over here would send somebody much more experienced and thus I would have to work so much harder to kill the new person. Who would, no doubt, be followed by some other idiot. More experienced probably but idiot nonetheless.
Besides this is obviously Greenboy's first mission. I would never be so mean as to nuke him before letting him think he is almost getting somewhere. That's just mean. I am absolutely 100 percent certain that Greenboy is so very proud to have landed such an important job on his first mission. Wouldn't want to ruin it for him now would we?
So therefore final conclusion: No kill Greenboy.
I've always been the thinker in the family while Solana was the rash one. Which is why she is theoretically on the missing persons list while I am believed dead.
So much easier to be dead these days… whenever people see you they just presume it's somebody with plastic surgery.
"Urgh," came a voice on the sofa.
Greenboy who else? Maybe he has finally decided to join the conscious…
When mum and dad fight (like they are now) I get thinking. My gears turn when a fight is going on. But since thinking isn't high on my list of priorities, I usually stay clear of home when the fights are on. Which is always.
See mum and dad are both hypocrites. Mum's always screaming at dad about his gaggle of skanky hos. Which would be understandable if she didn't have a toyboy collection. Their words not mine.
So anyway right now my parents are screaming themselves hoarse before they go and meet with the gaggle of skanky hos and toyboy collection. And I am thinking. Just so that you will get the full idea of exactly what I'm thinking I'll do a quick flashdance.
"Hey man what's up," greets cousin Kyle Raiden.
"Nothing, just chilling," answers I after performance of complicated but manly handshake.
"So word on the street is you dig the Aussie chick," says cousin Kyle Raiden. "And she doesn't dig you back."
"OO HARSH!" says all the bystanders.
I mumble in such a mumbly way that even I don't know what I'm mumbling about.
"So its true?" Cousin's eyes larger than dinner plates.
"Bet she won't diss me."
"Remember Raiden every chick who likes you loves me."
"OO HARSH!" says all the bystanders.
Cousin sulks. "If I can get her to go out with me will you admit you suck?"
"NO! You can't have her!" I snap.
"OO JEALOUS!" says all the bystanders.
"Ok," I say to bystanders. "Tell me why I'm jealous as opposed to say over possessive or something like that."
Bystanders shut up.
"Ok how about this. I try to get the chick. If I don't get the chick I will admit she is impossible. If I get the chick I will introduce you to her and you can do whatever and try to get her ass," suggests Raiden.
"You sound like an asshole," I respond. "But I admit you're a smart asshole. Ok you're on."
Ok I admit that wasn't the clearest thing in the world. Raiden is bad when it comes to communication and he and I have had reached practically telepathic levels.
The general idea is that he will try and seduce Jackie and if he succeeds he will convince her how much of a wonderful person I am and she will move on from him to me and all will end well. Genius.
"And she dragged me shopping! SHOPPING!"
As soon as Jackie got home she started reciting her woes to me, but not before questioning me thoroughly on Greenboy still asleep on the sofa. I had to assure her there was no monkey business going on.
Also I was insulted at the clothes that she bought, stuff which she flat out refused to buy when I went shopping with her.
Honestly between Jackie and Greenboy even Mother Teresa would have throw a fit. I am completely unsympathetic towards any problems Jackie might have. They are nothing compared to mine.
"Elisha? ELISHA? ARE YOU LISTENING?"
"But I need your ADVICE!" Whiny whiny… since when did this girl become so whiny? I bet she's picking this up from school.
She gave me a look.
"Jackie," I tell her, "I thought I made it clear that I was in fact not listening to what you were saying."
"Some guy asked me out. What do I do?"
I gave her a look. That's all she was worthy of with that question. What a stupid question!
"You either say yes…or say no… It's quite a simple concept you know."
"Yeah but if I say yes I'll look like a ho and if I say no I'll look like a bitch. It's a lose-lose situation!"
"You're stupid you know that?"
"No need to be so up front about it…"
"Ok Jackie do you like this guy? Think he's extraordinarily sexy?"
"Don't lie to me!"
"I'm not – "
I shot her a death glare. If she wants to waste my time with stupid questions she may as well do it in a way that would make it so that less time is wasted. ie. No lying.
"Ok FINE I had a bimbotic moment when I heard his voice ok?"
"Just the voice?"
"Were you stalking me?"
I shot her a disdainful look.
"So…" said Jackie nervously. "Do I accept?"
"Jack I have always thought you were a smart girl…"
"Well you thought wrong."
"Ok. If you want to jump his bones, go for it. If you think he's one of those nicey nicey boys go for it if you're a cold-hearted bitch who wouldn't mind breaking some nice boys heart. And be honest with that cold-hearted bitch question. I personally have no qualms about stuffing around with some boy's delicate little heart. If he's a jerk then don't bother. Unless you want to jump his bones. Then that's acceptable as long as you don't let him take over the relationship."
"And what if you don't know the answer to any of those questions?"
"You should know if you want to jump his bones…"
"Don't deny it you want him."
"But – "
"Now get lost!"
She glared at me. I glared at her.
She gave Greenboy a significant look.
She smirked and left.
She thinks I want to jump his bones…
She thinks I want to jump his bones…
She thinks I want to jump his bones…
She thinks I want to jump his bones…
She thinks I want to jump his bones!
A/N Oh look I updated! Yes I know its been a few months already… oo…just checked that thingie that tells you. Haven't updated since March…shocking even for me.
ANYWAY. Yes I know Kyle's presence might not be good…but they MADE me do it! I swear for like a week the characters took over. Maybe I'm turning into a schizo too…like Jackie… oh god… ok ok I shut up now… well about this whole schizo thing anyway.
Ok I considered making a poll and all. But then I actually used my brain and it was like 'dude like you're gonna follow what the poll says…' and I totally agreed. Especially now that I'm semi-schizo. And also making a poll would involve usage of brain cells that could be reserved for other things because thinking up a questions a pain in the ass. I'm bad with that kinda stuff.
So yeah thank you to EVERYONE who reviewed! And if you are reading this and not planning to review… -glare- be very intimidated by The Glare.
And if you did review feel free to take a cookie that is currently cooking in my mind. It is whatever you want it to be. So very versatile.
And my last message is:
Or face The Glare…..