I know it.

I know it just from the way she answers the phone.

Like fucking Rakmanimov, dude. it's all in the silence between notes.

She hesitates, so I say "She. she really did it."

And on the other end of the phone the floodgates open.

She says some things.

She says my name, so I know that she knows who she's talking to.

I can at least recognise that much right now, even though I have all this shit just swirling through my brain.

But fucking. some of the things I just don't get.



And now I'm trying to ask her a question, but my mouth is a little dry.

My heart is beating and my head is heavy.

It's grey and it is raining.

I ask her.

She answers.

I puke everywhere.

I still have the note in my hand.

The words are smudging because I am gripping it so tight.

I didn't even know I was crying.

Now Kirsty is on the phone.

I can almost feel how hot her breath is.

My heart wants to fucking explode.

She explains.

"This isn't real?"

She is silent.

"Fuck, Kirsty, okay."

This can't be real.


This can't be real.

She told me to tell you.

"I got the note."


"Look. are you sure its her?"

Silence again.

"Kirsty, please, we need to be sure."

Of course we're sure. We. who else would be in her fucking bedroom, John? Of course we're sure. you think."

She loses it.

Whatever composure she had, she loses it.

It feels like someone is trying to pull my guts out through my ass.


My heart breaks.

I feel it split into two pieces.

One part stays in my worthless fucking chest.

The other jumps down after her.

I can give you the exact time my world fell away.


eleven fucking forty-two.

My hand shakes in the shape of the phone.

It feels like I just puked my soul out.

"Can I come over?"



Yeah, we'd appreciate it.

"I'm sorry."

I know.

"I love you."

I know. I need to go. we need to let other people know.

"I understand."

Of course I fucking understood - I understood perfectly. I could see the shadows of this shattered life falling down the walls like raindrops.

I think it again:


Then who had to.

I dry my eyes and clean up the sick.

Then I cry again.

I get dressed and I cry again.

Then I go.