N/A: Happy birthday to you! This is special for Billie Joe Armstrong's lover, today is her birthday! So as a present (beside the real presents of course) you should read her stories and poems, she's a great great writer and I wish her the best.
Now to the serious stuff... there's no serious stuff. Thanks for reading, enjoy.
You said boy make girl feel good
But still deep inside still
I've never felt alone
Till I met you
I'm alright on my own
Till I met you
And I'd know what to do if I just knew what's coming
-Deep inside of you- Third Ey BlindLouise
I woke up and Priam was nowhere to be seen. What had happened to me last night? I really thought I would care less, but I was proved wrong. So I turned, giving my back to the window, and stayed in my bed ( Mary J's bed ) thinking about what the fuck had I done.
When I turned I saw something on the floor, a piece of paper. It's not that I'm all order-psyched, but this specific paper was carefully folded and too neat to be part of Mary J's living trashcan.
I went for it and opened it. Oh, holly shit...
Make me promise that I will never run away from you...'cause when that
happens you will know I am mad about you...
This couldn't be other than Priam's hand writing. What does this meant? I was very slow in the reading, repeating every line at least five times before going to the next one.
so many years knowing each other and I found myself paralyzed again
just by the sight of you (have I told you how beautiful you look with this
Which moon? It was all coming back to me... that night... the night of his father's wake, it couldn't be other night. I had gone early, I needed some air, and I needed to write everything that had been going on (there wouldn't be other way to stop the tears from falling).
, I think you'll never cease surprising me right? and I say "never"
because we'll have all that time for you to keep surprising me.
God, now it was true. First, it had just been a vague wish, a mare fantasy. Forever... Yes, nothing more than a fantasy. Now that he was saying it out loud I was not all-together ready to believe him.
I confess, yes, our fall was all my fault and every day I lived the lie.
Was it all his fault? Come on, I was the one with crush on him. I was the one who wrote all those stupid things in the stupid diary. I was the one sleeping with Emi (well, that's forgivable. I never thought Priam would care about me sleeping with Emi). I was the one who made a big deal of everything... And what lie did he live? Goosh, so many fucking questions. And I wasn't going to be the one answering them.
How I missed you, you will never know...
Then he was a great actor , because he always looked as if he didn't give a shit anymore.
... but here is where your optimism tells me
"Fall seven times, and stand up eight".
And if God was a woman (and if I believed in God in the first place), she
would be just like you (and then I would of course be religious, and I
would be waiting for miracles all the time).
I really really really had no idea of his concept of Louise, but it's for sure higher than I thought.
Now everything is clear, I have no doubts: I am going to love you
without questions. You are going tolove me, without answers.
Oh. Ooooh. Holly...
I know, I sound so sure of everything,
Yes you do yes you do yes you do yes you do
That was supposed to be good , right?
but in reality I'm so scared, because a part of me is saying
"Expect nothing", while the other part is saying
"Expect more than others think is possible".
I used to believe in one of those, but which? I have no fucking idea...
You are all my wonder (even if that makes no sense). Please,
make me wonder again, because sometimes I feel wretched just for not
knowing what I am missing.
And now all I had was doubt. Ok and a little bit of fear . And regret. And doubt again. Would I be ready to make him wonder again?
And I woke up so many nights sweating,
thinking how it could be that I knew you had blacks eyes, but I couldn´t
feel your gaze on me.
Lucky him. At least he could close his eyes. I never had the chance of waking up at the middle of the night because I couldn't even sleep.
So , will you hold me now?
The real question was "Could I?".
You know, just to make up for all those days
in which you not only didn't hold me, but you didn't even touch me...
Hey dude, it's not like I didn't want to. I knew in that moment he would have thrown me out of the window if I touched him, though.
And I know I was responsable for that. I said I didn't care, I said I would
not listen, I said I didn't see, I said I didn't love.
He probably thought all that, because he certainly never said it. He just didn't care, listen , see... he didn't love.
But pay no attention, for I
have lied with the truth and told the truth with a lie.
I was not supposed to understand that poetic expression, right? I hoped it was something like "Everything I said above about not caring, seeing, listening and loving was pure bullshit".
My thanks to you, for being in on me sin (once again).
When was I before in his sin? God , I was officially blind. Oh wait. Was I now in his sin?
I woke up a few hourse later, and left without making a noise. I left a note on the kitchen table "Lou. I'm leaving (you've probably noticed that by now, I think) , but I'll come to see how you are doing, I thought we could talk later on. I'll call you. Priam"
I would have stayed, but I needed to buy clothes, because my suitcase was absolutely empty. I had worn the clothes for like , three consecutive days, it was disgusting. I was beginning to forget how cool ot was to shop in New York City. After having everything I was going to buy I went to pay, and took out my money. Something was strange here. Something was missing... but what?
No, it couldn't be. I had the letter on the other pocket. Oh no, not there. In the wallet. Oh fuck. OH FUCK. The poor lady in the cash desk was leftwith everything there and unpayed, but I was not going to be there wondering where the letter was. So much for my godamn inspiration.
In the Metro I started thinking where where where...? Where the fuck was the bloody letter? I was going back to Mary J's, there was a huge possibility of it being there, and there was a very small possibility of Lou being still asleep . I had to try it. No, I had to pray.
Damn. Emi is going through a harder time than I thought. I would be a total hypocrite if I said alcohol´s the road to perdition, but anyway, I said it. And I got my ass kind of kicked.
"Kind of? He kind of kicked your ass?"
"I mean moraly . Come on Sandy, I'm counting on you to understand me!"
"I do. It's just I think you were a little harsh on the way you said things to Emi. He's pretty fucked up"
"That's exactly what I told him!" In the moment I said it out loud I understood it had not been the best thing to say. Sandy just sighed. I'm an idiot, he probable already knew how fucked up he was. It was such a devastating event for him, he even started looking for a job... Actually it had nothing to do with it... God, I've been sober for way too long.
"I think..." Sandy interrupted my thoughts. Her finger was pointing at me, but she was watching a point out of the horizon. "I think... we should make something for Emi"
"Something like what? I won't get him a girl. I have enough trouble with my own girl" That was not even remotely close to the truth. Sandy and I had been together for a while now, and oh, how I loved her for being a simple type of girl.
"Yeah, I know" She smiled and kissed me slightly on the lips "I give you big shit" The, she kissed me harder, I could never think straight when I was with her. I only had mind for her so the Emi issue could be left a little aside.
Then she stopped kissing me "But..." I sighed, she could think straight when she was with me. "We really should do something to make Emi feel better, what about a party?" She was faking boredom, but I knew she was pretty excited with the idea. "Better yet!" Now she was showing the excitement.
"What would be better than a party?" I asked with a hint of sarcasm
She totally ingored this "Lets organize a gig!"
"We're not fucking musicians, Sandy. I barely recognize between a guitar and a fucking bass"
"Stop the fucking profanities, Aaron, and I know you idiot" How loving and tender she was with me "I mean we can get bands and can ask friends and all that-"
"All that shitty stuff no one ever wants to do, we would be doing it. I mean, I don't play for one reason and one alone..."
"'Cause you don't know how to play?" I love when she makes fun of me, that's too masochist
"Ok, if you count that, there would be two reasons"
"'Cause you don't play and you barely recognize between a guitar and a fucking bass?"
"Three reasons counting that. Ok, I don't play for many reasons... What I was going to say is that I don't play because I don't like having in my hands the organization of this type of... bohemian meetings"
"God, you're such a girl, Emi is your friend and you will do it for him"
"Ok" So much for my great argumets against... bohemian meetings. I was having one of those. I was not only having it, I was fucking organizing it.
I entered the apartment as quietly as I could, she had to be asleep, please, she had to be. When I got to the kitchen she was looking my way, like if she had been waiting for me all along. Fuck.
"Oh Lou, you scared the hell out of me"
Without preamble, without a question, or a statement she placed a folded paper on the table, with her eyes on me . The letter . "No Priam. You scared the hell out of me " She was sarcastically refering to the letter, was it that scary?
"Sorry, that was not the intention"
"Then what..." She stopped and sighed " Then what was the intention?"
Was there a right answer to that question? The intention was for you to freak out...No Lou, the intention was for you to hate me... It was... for you to love me...Those were not safe answers.
"It...you... were not supposed to read it" She was supposed to read it, make up your fucking mind Priam "Yet... you were not supposed to read it just yet"
"Why are you so defensive Lou? Really, it's not like I wrote a sadic plan for killing you, it's a-... it's just a love letter"
"So you just kind of realized what you feel for me like... two days ago?"
"It was not planned to be realized a life ago Lou, it's was not planned to be realized like... two days ago either" I was getting angry, she liked nothing of what I wrote?
"I...I'm sorry Lee. I'm just confused, but it's the best thing anyone has ever given me"
"Emi gave you a lot more" I thought she was going to be out of her mind when I said that, but she was silent. She wore a half-hearted smile, a tired smile... a sad smile almost, if that's possible. I thought about the irony in a sad smile. It's like being hypocritically happy, happily sad.
Enough thinking. Just silence. And sad smiles.
Days went by and I was thinking too much, too much... what could have been of us, of the days that never came. And I was more resigned and less drunk. That was a step forward , right? I started looking for a job, now that everything seemed a waste of time, at least I could get payed for it.
Talking about unpleasent stuff, soon I would have to speak with my father about university acceptance and shit like that. Not nice.
I made a fast tour through the city looking for a job and found one with someone I had thought I would never see again: the Seven-Eleven guy. The one that had been playing in the disreputable bar the night...the well spent night with Louise. Now Louise was in New York I could take over her job, I knew there was a great possibility of her never coming back to Auckland.
"So you're... Lou's boyfriend?"
I was waiting for real boss to take me in for an interview. The guy was trying to be nice, I had to stop calling him Seven-Eleven guy because now I was surrounded by Seven-Eleven guys. God, I was one of them now. "No, she's not my girlfriend"
"So you play the bass?" It was a stupid question, I've seen him playing it.
"Yeah, and the drums. But I'm better with the bass"
"Cool" I couldn't care less. Yet he seemed to be a good guy.
"By the way, I'm Arthur" I reached without energy for his hand
"That's your name? I mean, the real one?"
"The fucking real one, but you can call me... Max, if you want a fake one"
In that moment the boss walked out of the office with the placard Gerency and smiled at me with a Yay-We-Have-New-Seven-Eleven-Guy grin. Arthur, who couldn't stop smiling either (I thought it was physically impossible for him to be serious) waved at me " Bye Max! Good luck!" Thanks. I needed that.
After a long parade of silence and sad smiles, Priam left.
"Hey Lou" Sad smile
Sad smile "Yes?"
"Can we talk about this when I'm ready to?"
"Take your time" I would need that time myself. Silence. A door closing. Silence again.
I was ok, I was ok, I just needed to say it enough times and I'd believe it. I was fine.
I took the diary out of the trunk and wished for something I never thought I would be wishing so soon, I wished to be in New Zealand.
September 2, 2004
I fucked up
He fucked up
This looks just like a
Someday maybe... maybe someday we'll be smarter, oh I love that song, and there's no other way to explain our current situation . We're fucked up and stupid, such a great combination, and it's all like a cycle: We're fucked up because we're stupid, and we became stupid after being fucked up for too long for our own health. It's fucking true.
"Dude, so tell me...sober and everything... and with all the possible sicerity-" Emi was smiling stupidly while I spoke.
"Yes, I'm fucked up" he said
"Yes, that's where I was going, way too fucked up"
"No , but I mean really, obviously and truly fucked up... and you have this idiotic Seven-Eleven smile, already, and you've been working for what two days?"
"By the way, are you going to buy something or just came to have a good laugh at me?"
I laughed " I came for moral support, with you shitty job" he sighed. I was annoying him.
"Like I didn't have enough hypocritical third grade experiences on a regular basis already"
"Emi, you know I came rith good intentions, prick"
"I know..." He knew. I knew he knew and that was enough for me. He would start a stupid conversation just to let me see that he liked my company. Any moment now...
"Did you know...this guy, Arthur... he has a band" There. My eyes widened remembering my promise to Sandy
"Really? Arthur you said?"
He frowned "Yeah?"
"Not that I'm interested, I mean good for him, right?"
Emi frowned again " Yeah" Emi. Always so communicative.
So there it was my first band (that was if Arthur dude accepted the invitantion of course), maybe this bohemian meeting planning was not going to be so difficult. God, fucking bohemian meeting, I was starting to like it.