Samantha's Nose Problems
"Sarah, how about I give you a title and you write the story." whined Samantha, my eight, nine, or maybe seven year old sister (o well something like that. "I'm nine Sarah, nine!") "No, I like the title 'Samantha's Nose Problems.'"
"Well I don't."
"Well... I do. So there."
"But I'm bad at drawing noses."
"Too stinkin' bad." I replied childishly, and proceeded typing the following story:
Once upon a time, there was a girl. ["No, Sarah, don't write a story that begins with 'Once upon a time.'" "Fine."]
Long, long ago in a far away galaxy... there was a girl. ["SARAH! I'M NOT ILLUSTRATING A STAR WARS TAKE OFF! CHANGE IT OR I'LL, *pause* POKE YOU!"]
There was a girl. ["Boring! Think of something else!" "AAAARGH! DEATH SHALL COME TO THOU! FINE! HAVE IT YOUR WAY!"
One day, there was a girl and her name was Samantha, but unfortunately she was called 'Big Extremely Terrible Treacherous Yak-sniffer'. For short, they called her BETTY. ['Sarah, what kind of stupid nickname is that? Betty? BETTY?!" *notice that when Samantha talks to me, its usually shouting, anyway...] So one day BETTY went down to the local hotdog restaurant, The Golden Weenie. Everyone already there ran away because they didn't like yak-sniffers. ["What's up with yak-sniffing? There aren't any yaks where she lives... where does she live?"] Yak-sniffers were out of fashion, however, what was in fashion was really yak-yodelers. After all, this was Yakaconia, land of the yaks. ["Land of the yaks!?"] Yes, land of the yaks!
There was an old smelly distressed grandpa in lederhosen at The Golden Weenie, sitting all alone looking very old, smelly and distressed. ["So let me guess, she is kind and goes up to the old man and says, hey what seems to be the problem? Right?" "Wrong!"] So Betty goes up to the smelly old man and says, "Dude, what's your problem? You smell like yak feet. Wanna hotdog?"
"I don't have a problem, but these lederhosen smell. I don't like them. But a hotdog may just make them not smelly." So BETTY bought two hotdogs. One with extra un-lederhosen smell mustard and a Yak-sniffer's delight. To her amazement, when the old man was just finished eating, a yak with wings appeared out of nowhere, oooooh, aaaaah! ["A yak with wings? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! A yak with wings comes out of nowhere 'ooo, aaa' it sounds really cheesy Sarah!" "No, it sounds really yak-like."]
The old man says, "Howdy there yak fairy, I was just enjoying a nice hotdog with this yak-sniffer lady. She's nice. You should bless her." And the yak said, "Alright-y then. What do you want yak-sniffer girl?" ["Lemme guess, she wishes for a new nose so people won't run away from her?" "But people run away from her because she is a yak-sniffer. Not because of her nose." "That's just stupid." "I know, isn't it great?" "Great Sarah? Great? It's not great... blah blah blah... Sarah don't type in blah blah blah, I'm saying something 'important' here! Anyway... blah blah blah..."] "I want a better nose so people won't run away from me."
"But people run away from you because you're a yak sniffer, not because you have a big nose!"
"O really? I always thought yak sniffing was fashionable."
"It will be in two minutes. So have you decided on your wish?"
"Yes, I would like a pony."
"It shall be done!"
And in a whir of color and a flash of light, the blender exploded! "Er, sorry about that," said the man behind the counter. "Nice pony. Hey everyone, don't run away! Look at this cool pony!" So everyone came to see the pony. "Hey BETTY, er um, Samantha, this is an awesome pony. Anyone with this pony is cool. Yak-sniffers rock!"
And from that day on everyone was a yak-sniffer and they all lived happily ever after.
"Sarah, that's the story? That's the story?! You expect me to illustrate a story about a yak-sniffer who gets popular because she has a pony?!"
So ends our tale of misery, yak-sniffing and hotdogs. We hope you have enjoyed this wondrous tale as much as the old smelly man in lederhosen liked his hotdog.