Flower in the rain: chapter one: Correlation is not the Causation
"So here I am again, willing to be opened up and broken like a flower in the rain, tell me what have I to do to die and then be raised up –to reach beyond the pain, like a flower in the rain"
The water flows against me. And I want to believe what they tell me. That everything will be ok -but what do they know. I keep looking in and looking back at myself. Watching my body as I lay there suffocating and rendered helpless beneath the sheets that protect me. Yes, maybe it's true..these tear will never end. Yes, maybe it's true I'll keep on falling until I feel the ground behind my back –cradling and supporting me in some way others cannot.
"..I take everything as a dream for I believe that everything one way or another can't stay rooted close to you. It must all fly away. Hence it's relation to dreams. These dreams –my dreams. They seem too real to be reality and I hold doubt within myself because I know in life things aren't that easily acquired. Everything must be worked for and one must truly deserve some sort of happiness if it seems like that one person truly deserves it.
Life can be confusing. But a teacher once told me that 'correlation is not the causation' which means that not all actions in life have one single effect –they have many outcomes that could shape the life and attitude of a person. That teacher used to be my father, a psychology teacher. But my father became a part of my dream and flew so far away from me.
As a child I never knew my mother that much. When my father died, it was as if my mother spiritually died along with him. I never had that certain bond all girls wanted with their mothers. While all girls hated their mothers for wanting to be a part of their lives, I secretly envied them. I wanted my mother to be a part of mine. To have been there when I went to my first dance. Or had my first boyfriend. Mainly all these things that had occurred in my life as a child and a teen, my life my mother had cut herself out of them and I experienced life as any other parentless child would.
I don't say I hated her. She was there for me in a way. She made sure there was food at home when she was working late. And when she had to go out of town, she made sure all my needs were assisted to. She handed me money when I needed new clothes. She had been the one to buy me my first car when I turned 16, although she sent me to a driving school and never taught me herself. All in all despite the downess of the situation, my mother was a pretty good mother and a father.
Up until recently, my mother got married again. I don't hone any grudges against my new father or his kids. I just want my mother to be happy again. I don't wish for her to be here for me now. She has created a new life for herself, but I still continue on as I have always done without her. I still continue on my father's last name. Even thought he has been gone now for 5 years, to me it feels like he's just stepped out for a long sleep. A rest or a vacation as I've always called it.
I love my mother. And I don't hate her.
And it I were to experience my whole childhood life all over again.
I wouldn't change a thing."
"Thank-you, Anna. You maybe seated now." Silence "Would anyone else like to go next?"
My name is Anna Perowisk. I am a freshman in collage and I am currently studying to become a psychologist.
I became involved in psychology because my father was a psychologist and he used to teach at this university when he was still living.
And he would always bring me to his afternoon classes right after he picks me up from middle school.
I've always enjoyed watching my father as he teached. He loved psychology and it was his life. He would say that psychology was a way to promote peace within an inner struggle with ones demons. I love psychology because people are more curious of what hell looks like rather than paradise…
"Ms. Perowisk, could you tell me the difference between a dispositional factor and a situational factor?"
"Dispositional factors are a person's attitude and heredity traits, while situational factor is within a person's life that causes this person to act and think a certain way"
"Thank you, Ms. Perowisk."
For as long as I can remember, I vowed that when I grew up I wouldn't become like my mother. I wouldn't shut myself away from my kids and from my duties as mother. Now that I am 19, I look back at all the times I could have wish I had somebody to share my feelings with. I regret not making any friends with any of the kids at school. I regret turning down dates because I felt like it was some joke to them or that it was some crazy bet to see if I was human or not.
"Ms. Perowisk, Are you listening?"
"hm?" Glance "yes?"
"I was just done explaining to the class about the final project. Could you please repeat them for me?"
"sorry sir. I wasn't paying attention."
"Tsk, tsk, tsk. Ms. Perowisk I expect that you don't daydream again in my class. If you do please take you daydreaming else where.." the room giggles "now as I was saying. For your final project in this class, I have in my hand the list of volunteered students from on campus, who would like to be used as subjects. Now each of your must decided now what type of method of psychological inquires you would like to test out on your subject. Now, as I call your name. You state the method and I will hand pick you your subject. This project is a 3 month process and I'd like to see some results." Pause "now, Ms. Perowisk. Since you are already aware of the project, what method will you be using?"
"I would like to do a naturalistic observation"
"ahh… just like your father"
"your subject would be ….a Matthew Hensworth."
Pause. "excuse me?"
"Matthew Hensworth. Age 20 .. medium build ..5"6.." the professor speaks "there is an uncertainty in your voice, Mrs. Perowisk. Do you know this fellow? If you do, you must say so ..so I can hand you another subject."
"Not at all, sir. I was merely thinking if a 20 year old man would be appropriate for my studies.."
"Nonsense, Ms. Perowisk. As a matter of fact a 20-year-old man would be a great study subject…now ..Trisha Valdez?"
I didn't like the idea of having Matthew Hensworth for a subject. I knew I had lied when my professor asked if I knew him. How could anyone forget Matthew Hensworth. In High school, Matthew Hensworth was your typical literary rake. The rake because in literary archetype the rake is considered to be a character that is in some sort of way a being with a hate against the world or you could say has this certain rebellious streak –but not one you could describe as being a rebel. Yes, Matthew Hensworth was a self absorbed, bigheaded, narcissist whose life fulfulling purpose was to destroy every once of innocence in you. He was what others would say 'the type of guy, your mother wouldn't allow' –not the heavy metal, Harley biker type. Were talking about the blunt, rude, boorish, vain, and arrogant boy that your father would wait up with a shotgun. But nevertheless…he was a good example for my studies.
And I hated the obvious.
A/n: New story! Please tell how it by R/r! If you don't understand any of the psychology and literature things. I'm actually getting these from my notes. I do have psychology and also A.P English..it wouldn't hurt to review anyway. So gooo on. Click the review box. I'll give you a cookie if you do!