goodbyes

you came in the autumn
a scarlet leaf brushing against me
opening my eyes, my hands, my heart
i felt love and knew i'd never be the same again

in the winter i chose to open my mouth
and words tumbled out
spilling like paper stars
falling out of a broken glass onto the floor

in the spring i learned how to cry
i accepted it with unexpected ease
it fell with the rain
soft, unhurried, solitary.

and in the summer i vanished
closed my eyes to truth and dismissed your presence
i found other realities
without realizing they'd never equal you

the seasons disappeared for the autumn
gone, sacrificed to a need to be whole
buried under locked walls and winter-frozen rock
they fought to be free

but in the spring a small daisy flowered
watered by that long-ago rain
sheltered from that sacrifice
it found a crack and out it came

in the heat of the summer it grew
fierce and wild and free
not knowing that by fracturing the walls
it would fracture the heart attached once more

but what does a flower know of heartache?
it could not choose silence
and in doing so
proved that neither could i.

this is my autumn now
i see you ahead, a distant light
once more am i content to sit and dream
and as the walls shatter, so do i

when the winter fades i will say my goodbyes
because of you, i am not the same
and never will be again
but, i think—neither will you.

8.13.04.